WARNING: The opinions printed below do not necessarily reflect those of the EW staff — or anyone else on Planet Earth. Instead, this piece of work comes courtesy of a professional Twilight hater. So prepare yourselves, spider monkeys.
You can see why the folks at Summit Entertainment recruited David Slade to oversee this third movie in the stupefyingly successful vampires-and-werewolves-and-Kristen-Stewart-looking-like-someone-just-shot-her-kitten-in-the-face franchise. The director has crafted a genuinely frightening movie from a beloved work of vampire fiction that makes the most of its snowy northern setting. Unfortunately, the film he did all that crafting on was 2007’s 30 Days of Night. The Twilight Saga: Eclipse stinks worse than Taylor Lautner’s werewolf Jacob apparently does. (Note to Taylor Lautner: It’s probably best from now on to avoid films that make a plot point out of your character’s b.o.). And the fact that those of the lycanthropic persuasion have a stench problem is pretty much the only thing I learned from this interminable snoozefest. Needless to say, I don’t speak for EW — you can read Owen Gleiberman’s B+ review here — but speak I must. (And you can read my previous Twilight hater’s guides here and here.)
Those who saw last year’s New Moon and weren’t lucky enough to slip into a coma before the end, may recall that the film’s third act featured both Robert Pattinson’s bloodsucker Edward Cullen asking Stewart’s Bella to marry him and the introduction of Michael Sheen’s vampire head honcho. Thus, the movie strongly suggested that its successor would feature (a) some sort of the resolution to the Edward-Bella-Jacob love triangle, and (b) someone who can actually act. READ FULL STORY