Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi swung by WrestleMania XXVII last night to show off some surprisingly kick-ass moves, including a double-flip back-attack that totally leveled WWE star Michelle McCool. You can see the end result in the image above: Snooki successfully pinned her opponent, even though McCool is roughly four feet taller than L’il Shnookums. (Maybe McCool should consider changing her name to “Lois McLame.”) All hail Snooki triumphant! Check out some grainy amateur video of Snooki’s acrobatic feats of strength after the jump… READ FULL STORY
Tag: This Would Never Fly In Sweden (81-90 of 97)
'Jersey Shore' reunion: Every important thing you need to know about the most pointless night of the year
Jersey Shore‘s third season concluded last night with an utterly useless reunion show. The Situation wore an emo-hoodie that made him look like an evil supervillain lurking in his evil smush-cave. Snooki said that she didn’t love Vinny anymore. Awwwww. But only because he’s transformed from a lovable everyguy into a girl-crazy douche-rocket. You tell ‘em, Shnookums! Deena actually said ”Poop comes out of your butt.” (Science!) Good news: Sammi and Ronnie are still split up! Bad news: They still love each other! Ronnie explained that he felt betrayed when Sammi tried to hook up with other guys when they were broken up. The Julissa 3000 Interview-Bot (patent pending) pointed out that Ronnie actually had hooked up with other girls when they weren’t broken up. Isn’t that even worse? Ronnie looked confused. Paradox Hurt Ronnie’s Ape-Brain! (Ronnie only pawn in game of life.) Also, The Situation’s new name is “The Instigation,” which is coincidentally the subtitle for the next TRON and Bourne sequels. In conclusion, the girls burp like guys, the guys tan like girls, humanity has evolved beyond gender, and we are all robots. Thus, life is chaos. Thus, season 3 is over. We’ll see you in Italy, gang!
Snooki paid $32,000 to speak at Rutgers. That’s $2,000 more than Toni Morrison is scoring for commencement.
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Female Force: Angelina Jolie is a biographical comic book about the famous actress — but you wouldn’t know that from the cover (see left). No, based on the cover (and not on reality), this is a brave piece of muckraking journalism which offers the looniest conspiracy theory this side of everything Oliver Stone has said in the last decade: Apparently, the being we know as “Angelina Jolie” is actually three extraordinarily attractive triplets. On the far left is Teasingly Charming Angelina, star of Pushing Tin and The Good Shepherd. In the middle is Gorgeously Brutal Angelina, star of action-stravaganzas like Salt and Wanted. On the right is Thoughtful Charity Angelina, crusader for truth and and global justice. (You can tell she’s thoughtful, because she’s staring at something in the distance. Also: cufflinks!) Coming soon from the same people: Female Force: Ayn Rand, in which (based on the cover) we learn that the author of Atlas Shrugged has ascended to a higher plane and is now a giant floating head staring at the earth, and also the sun has been replaced by a giant glowing Communist flag. Topical!
Jersey Shore just wrapped up its third season with an aimless batch of nonsensical episodes featuring depressingly repetitive trips to nightclubs mixed in with depressingly repetitive relationship drama and depressingly copious alcohol consumption, which is coincidentally the exact plot description of the Italian film classic La Dolce Vita. So you would imagine that the Shore cast would fit right in over in Italy, where the fourth season is set to be shot. But you’d be wrong, dead wrong! As noted by Hollywood Reporter, the Italian media is beginning to sound off negatively about the impending invasion of the Shore tandroids. (Jersey Shore also just started airing over in Italy, which may explain the added ire.) READ FULL STORY
Given all the big-name celebrity meltdowns lately, you’d be forgiven if you’ve already forgotten the strange saga of Randy and Evi Quaid, who dodged various criminal accusations before escaping to Canada, where they claimed in a strange interview with Good Morning America that they were fleeing from a conspiracy of “star whackers” who killed celebrities or maybe just embarrassed celebrities or something something the Mafia! Since the married couple seemed legitimately unhinged, it was difficult to find any humor in the situation. But now Randy Quaid has debuted his new song, “Star Whackers,” with his band Randy Quaid and the Fugitives. Based on his performance at Vancouver’s Commodore Ballroom, “Star Whackers” sounds a little bit like the prose-poetry of Jim Morrison crossed with the lounge singing of Tony Clifton: Quaid makes repeated reference to “Those sleazy Star Whackers … they’ll sell your vital organs on eBay.” Start the theories now: Is that non-sequitur towel serving the same purpose as Linus’ security blanket? Also, is this funny or sad? Check out the video after the jump and decide for yourself… READ FULL STORY
Vince McMahon’s World Wrestling Federation was an immensely popular reality TV enterprise before people knew what “reality TV” was. Now, reality television is everywhere. Ergo, Vince McMahon invented the 21st century. So there is something poetic in the news that Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, reality star of the waking national nightmare that is Jersey Shore, will take part in a six-way duel at WrestleMania XXVII on April 3. I believe this will make Snooki the first best-selling novelist to step into the ring. (Yes, Mankind was a bestselling author, but he was a memoirist. Totes diff.) Snooki’s journey to WrestleMania began at this week’s WWE Monday Night Raw. She was only slated to guest-host, but that naturally led to some guest-taunting, and finally a good old-fashioned guest-scuffle. Check out video of the fight after the jump... READ FULL STORY
I hate myself for MANY reasons; feeling sorry for a mean bully because of his eyes just happens to be today’s greatest. Here’s Survivor villain and ex-con Richard Hatch, who shoved David Cassidy literally off the show on last night’s premiere of The Celebrity Apprentice. The CW’s Katie Cassidy (David’s daughter — who knew?!), showed up at the pizzeria and everything. How awful. This would never fly at Melrose Place, on Gossip Girl, or in Sweden.
The sad eye phenomenon has always bugged me about Richard. He is so vile and yet his eyes are so sad and so light blue that they almost seem… considerate? Like if you just gave his eyes a hug, maybe — maybe! — he would stop being awful. But I don’t want to hug him either. I hate this. I just wish he didn’t have these eyes.
Does Richard Hatch practice his sad eyes in the mirror? If you had no idea who this man was, would you consider smiling at him? Maybe just a smirk? I don’t know. This will definitely be my most insane post of the week.
Annie on Twitter: @EWAnnieBarrett
I am senselessly fascinated by Charlie Sheen’s Twitter account. I know it’s bad — bad for me, bad for society, bad for the human race. And I pride myself on having somewhat good taste. In my spare time, I enjoy reading the first 100 pages of presidential biographies, and listening to classical music while falling asleep, and adding foreign films to my Netflix queue with every intention to watch them eventually. Also, not to make any moral judgements, but Sheen himself seems like a magnificent douche rocket. And yet I cannot turn away. I’m not the only one: On the heels of Sheen’s mega-rated 20/20 interview, the actor has already accumulated just over 1,001,000 followers as of the writing of this sentence. What are we reading, exactly, my brothers and sisters in the Sheen Twitter cult? READ FULL STORY
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