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This week in Sound Bites: Suggestive lines from 'The Bachelor,' 'Celebrity Apprentice' & more

Every week in Sound Bites, EW compiles the best lines uttered in film, television, and pop culture. This week’s quotes include the inevitable “plowing fields” metaphor on The Bachelor, Brandi Glanville’s tendency to overshare on The Celebrity Apprentice, and astute winter-wear observations from Mindy Kaling. Here are this week’s Sound Bites culled from television and social media.

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Well, here's a cake in the shape of 'Downton Abbey's Dowager Countess

Someone has created the sweetest likeness out of Downton Abbey‘s tartest dame. For the show’s fifth season premiere at Fox Theater in Atlanta, local baker and chocolate-artist Karen Portaleo created an eerily human-like cake of the Dowager Countess (Maggie Smith).

According to People, the somewhat creepy confection is made of vanilla cake—soaked in Earl Grey tea, fittingly—and buttercream frosting. It took lifelong baker Portaleo, 50, 18 hours to bake, assemble, and “paint” her immaculately detailed tribute to the character. Portaleo told Today.com that Downton Abbey consultant Alastair Bruce said her cake was “so very American.” Portaleo agreed, laughing, “It is very American to create a human out of cake.”

Judging from Portaleo’s Instagram, it was a hit among guests at the premiere.

Watch the ladies of 'Downton Abbey' play Cards Against Humanity

Sunday night’s Downton Abbey season-five premiere featured a secret love child, an indecent proposal, and a shocking admission.

What it didn’t include was Lady Edith, Mrs. Patmore, and Mrs. Hughes playing Cards Against Humanity. We present that footage, complete with Mrs. Patmore’s inimitable reading of the “Farting and walking away” card, for you here.

Here's what would happen if Iron Man's dad visited Downton Abbey

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What would happen if a member of Tony Stark’s family showed up for dinner at Downton Abbey? Well, according to a bit of fan fiction from writer Gary Whitta, Howard Stark would insult Lord Grantham, offend the dowager countess, and flirt with Lady Mary. (Poor Lady Edith, who, by this account, coins the term “super soldier.” Even in fan fiction, it doesn’t get much better for Edith.) READ FULL STORY

Watch DirecTV's 'Downton Abbey' parody, starring 'the charming Mr. Hitler'

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Downton Abbey doesn’t return to American televisions until January, but CollegeHumor and DirecTV paired up to give us something to satisfy our British-period-drama thirst with The Britishes, a series of Downton Abbey parodies.

Adolf Hitler visits the Britishes’ (yes, that’s the family’s last name) estate in the first episode, titled “The Charming Mr. Hitler.” In the sketch, Hitler woos the ladies with his Germandrawing skills, and desire to traveland somehow escapes accusations of his evil. READ FULL STORY

'Homeland' and more shows that killed off major characters: We weigh the aftermath

Killing off a major character is one of the biggest risks a show can take. Some of these deaths end up paying off nicely; others go down in history as the death that killed a series. And then you have the deaths that, ultimately, don’t make much of a difference either way.

In honor of Homeland‘s return—which comes back to Showtime after killing off Brody in season 3—we went back to see how a handful of other beloved series fared after offing major characters:

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Hey TV: Stop Raping Women

They’re scenes all too familiar to any TV viewer: A woman is shoved down, she screams or sobs, her eyes grow wide and then blank as she wills herself anywhere else in the world. Lately the small screen has felt particularly thick with such moments of sexual horror, as writers have been churning out story lines in which our saints, our heroines, and our hard and cruel women too, are raped or forced to relive their nightmare of it. Try to imagine a singular abuse endured by an equivalent number of male characters. And yet it seems whenever a female character needs a juicy arc or humanizing touch, writers fall back on the easy, awful crime of rape. READ FULL STORY

'Downton Abbey' finale poll: Charles Blake or Tony Gillingham?

[Spoiler alert for Sunday’s Downton Abbey!]

On the season finale of Downton Abbey, one important question is left up in the air — who will be Lady Mary’s new love.

Both of her main suitors — Charles Blake and Tony Gillingham — reiterated their intentions toward Mary. And plot-wise, viewers learned Charles is going to inherit a baronetcy, something that would seem to suggest that Charles is in the lead. (We all know how Mary can be.) But Mary wound up depriving viewers of a romantic moment when she told both men she still wasn’t ready. (Fair enough: Nothing is going to top the romance of this season finale anyway.)

But just because Mary didn’t make a decision doesn’t mean you can’t. Below, vote for who you’d like to see Lady Mary choose next season on Downton. READ FULL STORY

'Downton Abbey': Will the lords and ladies become movie stars?

Tonight, as the plush velvet curtain draws to a close on the latest season of Downton Abbey, it’s worth taking a look ahead to what comes next for the Crawley clan. I’m not talking about whether Lady Mary will finally give the green light to one of her tweedy, stammering suitors. Or if Edith will be able to keep her secret, scarlet-letter shame under wraps in Switzerland amongst all the chocolate shops and cuckoo clocks. Or if the increasingly dim and blowhard-y Earl of Grantham will gamble away his wife’s fortune at the card table. I mean what comes next career-wise for the stars of the show.

It’s a question that’s particularly timely since we’re all currently being pummeled by trailers for Non-Stop showing Lady Mary herself (Michelle Dockery) dressed as a flight attendant watching Liam Neeson crack skulls at 30,000 feet.

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'Downton Abbey': Meet Julian Ovenden, the man playing Mary's newest suitor (and Wink Murder) -- VIDEO

The Feb. 2 episode of Downton Abbey introduced a new man to Lady Mary’s circle, Charles Blake (Julian Ovenden). Mary thought he’d be staying at Downton as he completes a report on how family estates can be saved, while he’s actually there to determine what effect their demise would have on the food source. Neither one seems to think much of the other now, but that could change. “I immediately take a very strong dislike to Lady Mary partly, I think, because we’re very similar — quite alpha personalities,” Ovenden says of Blake. “I see her as someone living in the past, not living in the present. I’m a modern thinker: I believe in equality, not downstairs and upstairs. I think the aristocracy should take much more of a responsibility with their privilege, and that doesn’t sit so well with Mary, which is great to play because Michelle [Dockery] has created such a great, strong character. I wanted to push the character as much as I could, so it would take her into a different realm. Often men fall at her feet pretty easily, proposing after two minutes. I wanted to work against that.”

Whether Mary and Charles make nice is something Ovenden had to keep a secret, first from his sister, who pressed him for spoilers, and then from someone he met at Showtime late last year. “She said, ‘Look, I’m desperate. You can tell me. We’re in the same industry.’ I was like, ‘This is what we’ll do: You tell me about Homeland, and I’ll tell you about Downton Abbey.’ No deal,” he reports, laughing. He will, however, tell you how the Downton cast entertain themselves: “Those dinner scenes are interminable, because there’s so many people to shoot. So you’re siting there for hours eating the same bit of mackerel or whatever. You have to devise games to play, so we’d be playing Wink Murder: Someone’s got to be the murderer, and the way you kill somebody is you wink. Someone dies, and someone has to guess who the murderer is. A lot of times that’s quite funny,” he says. “Sometimes during takes.”

To get to know Ovenden better, we gave him an EW Pop Culture Personality Test. Watch it below. READ FULL STORY

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