After last week's (sad? surprising? inevitable?) announcement that ex-Bachelorette Deanna Pappas broke off her engagement with Jesse Csincsak, it seemed that all couples who meet on the reality show are doomed (with the exception of Trista and Ryan, obvs).
Well, ladies and gents, looks like we can all believe in showmances true love again: word is Charlie O'Connell (as in Jerry's little brother and Bachelor No. 7) and Sarah Brice, whom he offered the token final rose to back in 2005, are back together after they'd broken up last year. “I don’t want to jinx it,” Charlie said in an interview. “But it’s going great. We are taking it slow and not taking each other for granted this time. The future looks good!”
[Insert ABC's mad rush to coax Charlie and Sarah into the slot Deanna and Jesse were so going to use to televise their vows here.]
So, PopWatchers, what say you about this Bachelor news? Does this make you happy? Do you think Jerry O'Connell holds any influence over Charlie (he's going to be a daddy soon!)? Or are you over it already?
Looks like last season's Bachelorette DeAnna Pappas hasn't given out her "final rose" just yet: Her bachelor of choice, snowboarder Jesse Csincsak, announced on the couple's website today that Deanna broke off their engagement.
No really—he literally announced it via YouTube, where he explained that Deanna gave him the ol' "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" spiel. It looked like he was about to start crying in the video, too. Ouch. Jesse will also be speaking to Extra tonight about the split, and according to a press release from the entertainment news show, "[Jesse] now wonders whether Deanna was in it for the publicity, telling Extra that in recent times, 'the only time she was touchy-feely with me was around the cameras.'"
The reality stars were planning to walk down the aisle next May, so there goes yet another televised wedding opportunity in which Chris Harrison can offer a live play-by-play (darn!). Guess this means we're going to see even more of Trista! Ryan! and baby Max! during Jason Mesnick's upcoming Bachelor season. Unless, of course he's reconsidering now that Deanna's single again...
File this under things we didn't see coming a mile away: ABC just announced that Jason Mesnick, who you might recall got down on bended knee during the last season's Bachelorette finale, but didn't get the girl, is the new Bachelor!
His season won't air until January 2009, so we're all going to have to wait till then to see which lucky woman will win his — and his son Ty's (remember him?) — heart. God knows there have been plenty out there trying since Deanna passed on him for Jesse.
Personally, I think it might have been fun to see how Jeremy would've handled a slew of women coming at him from every which way — maybe he'd learn to stop being so robotic with his emotions. Still, I'm OK with Jason as the elected bachelor. At least he has some personality!
What are your thoughts? Comments? Arguments? Share with us below!
British Bachelor Matt Grant and his fiancée/"Monkey," Shayne Lamas, have finally acknowledged their split. We'd like to help them remember the "good" times. After the jump, a trip down memory lane, courtesy of our Mini TV Watches.
Everything's over except the inevitable post-show break-up May 2009 nuptials between Bachelorette DeAnna and snowboarder Jesse, who won the Georgia peach's heart in last night's season finale of the long-running ABC dating series. (Click here to read Erin Stevenson's full TV Watch.) Yet for some Bachelorette fans, the season's unofficial end arrived with the ouster of fourth-place finisher Graham, the Southern guy who was either a total commitment-phobe or a misunderstood sweetheart still waiting for the right woman to understand and accept his chill vibe. I got Graham on the phone last week to get the 411, and discovered that while he and DeAnna may not have been destined for a trip down the aisle, there are still five good reasons to love the guy. Find out what they are, after the jump...
Well, I thought Bachelor Matt was going to pick Chelsea... right up until his parents, Tony and Trish, said they could see him more with Shayne. In my mind, his parents' blessing was all Matt needed to seal his happily ever after with his 22-year-old cuddle monkey. By the end of the finale, Shayne had won me over, too. And you know I hated that.
Let's just get right to the final rose ceremony, shall we? I realized, as I watched the first limo pull up, that I was taking deep, calming breaths like Chelsea. Such a proud moment. Matt attempted to put us Chelsea at ease with a compliment: "You've worn some amazing dresses, and this has to be the best." Actually, Matt, she's looked better, but you're a leg man, so I see why you said that. Mercifully, he didn't wait too long until he dropped the "I can't give you everything you need" bomb. But what hurt the most, I'm sure, was the shrapnel: "At times I thought you were the one, many times." How is hearing that, or how much you'll be missed, helpful? I loved that Chelsea stopped and fought with Matt as he walked her back to the limo, but I think her argument that Shayne was the fakest one in the house was a little desperate. She should have nailed him more for saying that his only "but" with her is that it took her a "long time" to open up to him. That's such crap. A) You haven't known each other a "long time" and B) The woman took off her panties on national television for you. She put herself out there, okay. Just tell her the truth: She's not warm and cuddly, and you want a woman who is. That's allowed. I think Chelsea's "guarded" nature is what ultimately did her in with Matt's parents as well. Though Trish was happy to see Matt being himself with Chelsea, she questioned whether she was seeing the true Chelsea. And to be fair, Chelsea spent all her time explaining why she was or wasn't guarded and didn't get to reveal anything about herself. (Well, other than that she's a good guesser: She had Matt's brother Simon on her side from the moment she correctly identified "wellies" as rain boots.)
Shayne's London date went surprisingly well. Though she started off spilling wine on herself, she pulled it together for the meal. When Matt's father asked her how old she was, she handled it with humor, which we know this family values: "I'm actually 12," she said. You have to admire how Shayne handled Simon. She asked him for his honest first impression of her, and then didn't jump in and get defensive when he admitted that initially, he had no idea what Matt saw in her other than the obvious blond beauty. But Simon had to admit that he'd underestimated her. She didn't shy away from difficult questions and was warm, open, and genuine. Those qualities impressed Matt's mother, who said she felt instantly at ease with Shayne. I think in an odd way, Shayne's laid-back vibe is a match for the British reserve, and could be why Matt's parents said they choose her over hyper Chelsea. (Though, I'd have paid to see one-on-one time with Shayne and Matt's dad.)
After the jump, is "Monkey, will you marry me?" the most romantic proposal in Bachelor history?
It's the Bachelor episode host Chris Harrison looks forward to all season, because he finally gets to do something. Only, this time, he didn't do enough.
After the women were introduced — and Amanda and Noelle received the loudest applause — Harrison focused his attention on Stacey, the Human Muppet who gave Bachelor Matt her panties on the first evening. Were Harrison Jeff Probst, she would've been forced to say why she did that — was it a premeditated attempt to secure screen time or a spontaneous decision fueled by alcohol (a substance that curiously, was never mentioned, even though Stacey passed out on a bed before the rose ceremony). All Stacey said is that she's actually a sweet person, who wanted to stand out from the other 25 women (actually, that's the other 24). Yes, she's embarrassed to watch the footage of pantygate and of her never-before-seen smiling threats against the other ladies and their loved ones: "They're all whores. I'll f---in' kill 'em all and their whole families." Does it make it laughable or more disturbing that she'd apparently repeated that sentiment throughout the night?
Stacey eventually issued a blanket apology to anyone she may have offended, which is something Marshana (pictured, with Harrison) would never do. I've always wondered what happens when a Mean Girl watches a teen movie that portrays her kind as evil — does she get it? The answer is no. I do think Marshana believes what's she saying: she's not intentionally setting out to hurt others, she's just being herself and they can choose to love her or leave her. But the bottom line is, if you respect other people, you do what you can to get along with them. Marshana's uncompromising nature is just as condescending as Robin saying "I'm not there to make friends." Just be decent no matter where you are.
Ever since I wrote a PopWatch post about the Three's Company episode that I still can't discuss without getting misty -- and 998 comments followed naming the TV moments that made others cry -- I've respected the power television has over my body. It's really a beautiful thing, the way good or "good" TV can move us physically.
Take Paulagate. Our Idol expert Michael Slezak said he immediately pressed pauseon his remote after Paula Abdul critiqued a song that Jason Castro hadn't actually sung yet. Time had to literally stop while he processed what he'd just seen. (I, myself, opted to hit mute, as I tend to do when anyone on a reality show says something mortifying and my instinct for self-preservation kicks in. As I've mentioned before, I practically wear out my remote during the first episode of any Bachelor season, when the ladies attempt to make "memorable" first impressions by singing or reciting an original poem.)
What visceral responses has TV provoked in you, and in what moments? In addition to the standard talking back to the television when a plot line doesn't go my way (oh, don't even pretend like you've never yelled a belligerent, "No!"), I've also been known to:
-- burst out inaspontaneous, two-second fit of rapid applause when a scene is so emotionally satisfying that it makes me
appreciate the television medium as a whole. (I did that yesterday, in fact, while watching the final moments of this Sunday's Brothers & Sisters. You won't want to miss it, that's all I'm saying.) -- forget to breathe when my mind apparently can't allow anything to distract it from watching how a scene plays out. (That's rare, but the best Buffy and Angel episodes still have their way with me.) -- force myself not to close my eyes or look away when a crucial moment of a sporting event is about to unfold live. Why? Because I'm making a deal with God that IF I experience this excruciating tension head-on, my suffering will help earn the team or individual I'm rooting for the win. (I believe this is in direct response to my mother, who gets so nervous that she has to leave the room.)
There was so much goodness (read: awesome badness) in this episode, that I don't know where to begin. So before we get into ousted Amanda calling Matt a "douchebag" (you go, girl!), I'm gonna pretend I'm a Bachelor cameraman and go where the skin is.
Can you believe Chelsea let them film her slipping into something more comfortable at the end of her overnight date with Matt in Barbados? You didn't see anything, other than her slipping off her panties with a bedazzled "pretty" on them, but still. Ewww. That said, that long black (mesh? crochet? lace?) dress worked its charm on Matt, who needed to see that Chelsea could, indeed, stomach romance after she kept her distance from him on their afternoon dive with sea turtles. "The turtle was closer to me physically than Chelsea," Matt said. "I had better eye contact with the turtle underwater, with goggles and a mask thing on, than I did with Chelsea. I was gutted." At dinner, Chelsea explained to Matt that she was distancing herself from him because the other women, and the fear of not knowing how she'd handle rejection, were overwhelming her. And I totally get that. But I think he's totally gonna choose her. As he noted, he's almost said too much to her in regards to his feelings: we know his parents will love her, that he considers her one of his best friends, that he loves her sense of humor and believes they'd make a great couple who have a lot of fun together. And he really did look upset in his confessional, when he was dissecting what started out as the most awkward overnight date in Bachelor history. ("Matt: I think about you a lot." Chelsea: "Good.") If she does get along with Matt's parents, the ring is hers.
After the jump, Shayne enjoys being blond (since she was 12 or 13) and Amanda needs Matt to say he's just not that into her.
Is it just me, or were the home visits surprisingly tame this season, even with Shayne's mother's lipliner and Amanda's faux parents' R-rated performance? That must have been why Chris Harrison's opening voice-over was already plugging "the most romantic season finale ever!" If you play it backwards, you hear, "We know this episode is boring, but you've stuck it out this long, so we also know that you'll be back." True. You got me. Let's break this snoozefest down date-by-date:
Shayne: First of all, every time Matt says something — like meeting Shayne's famous father, Lorenzo Lamas (pictured) — is "massive," I wish he had said "major." But moving on... Matt met Shayne and her father, whom he correctly identified as "a bit of a star," at a restaurant. Seriously disappointing. Was Lorenzo afraid we'd hunt him down if we saw his home? (Oh, you surprisingly handsome, delusional man.) Shayne was nervous because she had once introduced a guy to her father, and the dude admitted that he'd met Shayne at a bar in a club. Why would this be at all shocking to Lorenzo? (Unless, maybe Shayne was underage at the time, and producers edited that part of the story out?) Anyway, I thought Lorenzo was actually a thoughtful, decent dad. He told the camera that he'd been married at 21, and didn't want Shayne to rush in to anything. So, he set her up: He told Matt that he thought she was on the show for the exposure, that "She wants to be a good actress, but she wants to be a star more. This was her opportunity to be on television, right? I mean, come on." Lorenzo wanted to give Shayne an out, or, hear her say that she was on the show for Matt — which she did. Lorenzo's conversation with Matt — about wanting him to be careful with Shayne's emotions, which he himself had toyed with by not being in her life as much as he should've been — wasn't patronizing; it was sweet.
Next came the visit to Shayne's mother's house, which Matt also correctly identified as having leopard everywhere. "I was kinda digging it," he said. And shockingly, so was I. Yes, it'd be easy to take shots at Shayne's mom for being a walking L.A. stereotype, but the fact is, you could feel her warmth, and that of her home. Serving Matt English food, showing him a video of Shayne dancing when she was younger, asking him how he'd feel watching Shayne kiss a costar — she was real. By the end of the date, Matt admitted that he had no more doubts about the Cuddle Master's motives for being on the show. We'll see if he sticks to that story...
After the jump, Chelsea, Noelle, and Amanda get their equal time.
The road to the final four was supposed to be paved with "the most shocking confrontation in Bachelor history" and the "the most dramatic rose ceremony yet." Naturally, it wasn't. I'll admit that when I realized that either Amanda or Robin would get the boot along with Marshana, I found myself saying "Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God." (I may have been a little tipsy.) But that's because I expected Robin (pictured, with Matt) to get the rose, and I didn't want to see Amanda go. When Amanda's name was called instead, I thought for sure Robin would ask Matt to walk her outside so she could say, "What the hell?" But she didn’t. She gave him the evil eye and said, "Bon soir." What?! On the one hand, I respect her decision to not give a man who doesn't want her anymore of her time. But Matt all but told her that she was a lock for a rose, that's why he didn't need to have a one-on-one date with her and why he was asking her about Michigan, so it'd be nice to know what changed his mind. (Maybe he, too, thought it was weird the way that she just slipped into the spot where Shayne had been laying with him in the snow in Sun Valley? Or maybe it was her intensity?) I guess we'll just have to tune in to the tell all, won't we? Damn it.
As for the confrontation between Marshana and Chelsea — it was the loudest in Bachelor history. Maybe. Chelsea said Marshana acted like she didn't want to be there; Marshana said obviously, she did. Had she not played rugby for the man and taken an elbow to the face? Had she not let him toss her in the snow (after he chased her) and put skis on her for the first time? Had she not gotten into a swimming pool? Yes, you did, Marshana. But you're keeping score ("I have risen to every occasion, taken everything he's thrown at me. I've done really well..."), which doesn't sound like you're enjoying yourself. Just because you go on a show to meet a man, doesn't mean you have to dig him.
After the jump, Shayne's packin' and Chelsea needs to be mackin'.
What could possibly beat that human Muppet whose name I've already forgotten handing Matt a pair of her panties on Night 1? How about Kelly (pictured, right) opening up her dress and cupping her "very large breasts" during a conversation with Matt before last night's rose ceremony! Seriously, WHAT was that about? I guess when Matt told her that he wanted her to be as fun with him as she was around the other girls, that's all her tipsy mind could come up with. Classic.
So we know why Kelly didn't get a rose. I'm willing to bet that singer-songwriter-adequate tennis player Ashlee is gone because even though Matt found her voice "mesmerizing," the giggling after every sentence got to him. Also, judging from my own reaction, it was probably hard for him to sit through her rambling non-answer to his question about what she'd do in London if her music career didn't take off.
Holly also took the long limo ride home after her 2-on-1 date with Marshana. Like Shayne, I expected Holly to stay, but Matt made it clear that he and Holly didn't have the connection she thought they did — he told her that he'd just found their timed conversation difficult to fill. (Tip: When someone says they like "challenging questions," try to come up with at least one.) I appreciate Matt's honesty, but now I'm dying to know if their 1-on-1 date last week had been that awkward.
After the jump, we size up the remaining six ladies.
As usual, this episode managed to have at least one "dream date" that I'd never want to go on.
Holly, on the strength of her moonwalk in last week's runway show, no doubt, was granted the first solo outing— a private screening of Patrick Dempsey's upcoming romantic comedy Made of Honor. It's not that I don't want to see that movie, or that I'm against decadent private screenings (I remember my first one, Sylvester Stallone's Rhinestone. Yeah, the "private" was not planned.) It's that I would never want to walk a red carpet — let alone a fake one (pictured). What was the point of that? At least I understood why producers had them put their handprints and "Matt + Holly" in a slab of cement— so it could be delivered to the mansion and drive the other girls crazy. After Holly cried at the film, Matt took her to a rooftop suite at the Roosevelt Hotel for some confusing conversation: He finds her really attractive, but he worries that he's too comfortable around her. Obviously, this was a dilemma that could only be solved by jumping in the hot tub, where he discovered that he was still able to make out with her. Whew!
On to the rugby group date... I had a few favorite moments. Chelsea commenting on Ashlee getting chosen last for a team was one of them: "If you wear fake eyelashes to a f---in' rugby game, you deserve to get picked last... I didn't mean that." Chelsea body-checking Ashlee was another. Marshana sucking on an ice pack and mumbling "It's fine — I'm having fun" after she got a busted lip was a moment for the highlight reel. As was winning team captain Kelly's couples massage with Matt, during which she mounted him to give his back a working over. That woman, to borrow the term Noelle coined for herself, is just a matter-of-time girl. After Robin hit the hot tub with Matt for another makeout session — and he pretended to be interested in having a conversation with Amanda while Noelle and Kristine looked on like two shy girls sitting in the bleachers during a slow song at a high school dance — Robin was awarded a rose.
After the jump, Shayne gets her one-on-one... with Holly's spray tan machine!
Two observations:
A) These really ARE the craziest girls yet. :)
B) I no longer fancy the pants off Bachelor Matt Grant. :(
This episode was all about sharpening the claws on two group dates. The first outing called for Ashlee, Kristine, Marshana, Noelle, Michelle, Amanda, Erin H., and Holly to model in Matt's own personal fashion show. "Watching my eight dates strut down the catwalk is arguably one of the best dates I've ever been on," he said. "But I didn't really get to speak to them much..." (Strike one.) Erin H. captured the general feelings of the girls when she said she was both excited and mortified. Beauty queen Marshana did a walk so fierce that it was unintentionally funny, while Holly purposely went for laughs with her moonwalk. (Well done.) Kristine said she'd rather jump out of an airplane than walk a runway, but rallied. (I'm happy she's sticking around because I genuinely look forward to the moment that she and Matt, you know, speak.) It was Leelee Ashlee, however, who earned herself the rose up for grabs because Matt felt a "connection"... and her knee as they sat on a bed and she "hinted" that she wanted to be kissed with the subtle line "I have been staring at your lips all day". (Strike two.) Ashlee's Happy Dance and exclamation of "It's mine!" upon receiving said rose was, possibly, one of the most childish things I've ever seen on The Bachelor — which is saying something. (When Marshana tells you to be humble???) We found out that Matt digs the singer-songwriter vibe when it comes in a hot, little, 22-year-old Jewel-like package (Ashlee). But is frightened by it when it sounds vaguely like Sondheim (Michelle) or opera (Carri).
Yes, I can no longer wait to get into the singing. Why do women think this is a good idea? Michelle (pictured), who played her clarinet on the first night, treated him to a song she wrote for "the Bachelor" on Day 2. Note: It took me three tries to play this scene without hitting the mute button. That's how awkward it was. "I want to find you/ I want you to find me/ I want to touch you/ I want you to touch me/ And I want to feel you/ I want you to feel me/ I want to find you, in front of me." Just... no. Matt ultimately sent Michelle packing, and she said was eager to get home and see her cat, the love of her life at the moment, because, "It'll be great to have her purr again." As EW's Kristen Baldwin e-mailed me this morning — because yes, the four of us on staff who still watch this show e-mail after every episode — "[Bachelor creator] Mike Fleiss is an evil genius. I mean he somehow finds women who are like, 'What's that, off-camera producer? You need me to have a post-rose ceremony meltdown about Fluffy so I can fully embody the single-women-are-crazy-cat-ladies stereotype? Sure!" I think Michelle is actually sane (and talented) but believed that she was put on that show for a reason, and it was to meet a man who'd be wooed by her musical ability. Same goes for "Tin Cup" Carri, the church marketing exec from Oklahoma, who tried to enchant him by singing opera before the rose ceremony but only managed to entrance me with her batting eyes and wide-open mouth (which could not have looked that pretty up-close).
After the jump... What happens in Vegas is that spoiled Shayne gets jealous.
The first episode of any new Bachelor season is always the most stressful for me. Twenty-five women attempting to make memorable first impressions is a recipe for great TV — and for me to pick a pillow up off my couch, bury my face in it, and scream. Repeatedly. I'm surprised I'm not hoarse this morning.
Even though I'm sure he'll hurt me eventually, I am, for now, a big fan of our FIRST INTERNATIONAL BACHELOR, 27-year-old London banker Matt Grant. And not just for his 6'5" frame (a vision, courtesy of those years rowing and playing rugby, cricket, and football at university). Also for the way he humped that phone booth. The man said he an interesting sense of humor, I hope we get to see more of it.
Since I actually believed Matt when he said he's looking for love, and that he'd be "gutted" if his 71-year-old father didn't know his daughter-in-law and grandchildren, I wish producers wouldn't have set him up with "the craziest girls yet." There really was no need for Stacey (pictured, with Matt) — what I imagine a Muppet would look and sound like it were to come to life — to be there. Had he kept her, I would have had to turn this Mini TV Watch over to someone else. She's an insult to anyone who likes bad TV, because you couldn't even pretend that she was real. Rubbing his leg? Giving him a pair of her panties? Telling him that he's boring her by talking about where he'd take a woman in London? Saying "I have my bachelor's in nutrition. And nothing and no one will ever
stop me. I want to find a pharmaceutical that will cure something that
no one has thought of"? Passing out in a bed before the rose ceremony? As Miss Earth New York Marshana put it, "I don't want to say anything negative but…. I'm sorry. She is loud, belligerent, tasteless, tacky, classless. She's riding my nerves like a pony." The only worthwhile thing that came out of having Stacey step a stiletto into that mansion was that we saw Erin H. is a Mean Girl: "If you're so into nutrition, why don't you get rid of those implants and lose a few pounds?... Stacey has nothing to offer him. Except for a bad boob job, a sequin blue dress, and her trashy tramp stamp." We'll have to remember that Matt didn't see that when he starts to really like her.
After the jump, the could-be-crazies we kinda liked, and the seemingly-sane ladies we're rooting for.
Last night's "Where are they now?" Bachelor special was full of surprises: Lorenzo was voted least-favorite Bachelor over Alex and Brad, while Andy was crowned the favorite (which, as my friend Eva might say, makes him King S--- of Turd Island). We found out which Bachelorettes are now engaged (Brad's Jenni, Jesse's Trish, and Travis' Moana) and which ones have already gotten married (Aaron's Brooke and two-time hopeful Heather). Though those happy endings are nice, I found the most inspiring story to be Travis' Kristen, who actually found a man willing to wear fake teeth with her on national TV. That's a keeper.
In the not-surprising category, the show skipped over that little physical altercation between Mary and Byron. We learned which Bachelors are still unattached (Aaron, Alex, Jesse, and Travis, to name a few). We discovered, courtesy of Andrew Firestone's fiancée, that dating a man after he's been on The Bachelor is ideal because he's gotten things-- i.e. showering with multiple bikini-clad women-- out of his system. And, we proved that yes, it is possible to hate Lorenzo's Erica even more. She's started her own line of tiaras, T-Erica.
This just in: DeAnna Pappas — the brunette who took Bachelor Brad Womack's decision to stay single the hardest — will be the new Bachelorette when the show returns this summer. According to the ABC press release, the 26-year-old real estate agent from Georgia is assertive and independent, and enjoys cooking, bartending, white water rafting and camping. She has also "traveled all over Europe, putting her Greek ancestry to good use." "Interested and eligible men" — I love that they felt the need to spell out eligible — can throw their hats into the casting ring by logging on to www.thebachelor.tv or calling 866-739-3150.
Personally, I'm all for DeAnna being the Bachelorette because (a) it's always more fun when the contestants know something about the Bachelor or Bachelorette and (b) you know if this show is going to have a full run, DeAnna will need to lead more than one man on. Let's see how she handles that. (I suggest she revist my translation of Brad's psychobabble.)
I wanted to be Marie Osmond when I was little (or, rather, I wanted to be an only-child version of Marie, so that I could sing duets with Donny and also marry him and share purple socks. Something kinky like that.) Many Dancing With The Stars watchers don’t get how the mediocre moves of America’s Corniest Sweetheart kept her afloat in the competition week after week, but I don’t think speed-dialing Osmondphiles are the only explanation. I find new-millennium Marie irresistible for one simple reason: she seems like she might just be bonkers.
Look no further than the horror show—I mean, baby-doll routine—she freestyled in Monday’s DWTS finals (click here if you haven't seen it), and her hyper reaction (defensive, much?) when the judges panned it. At Marie’s most high-strung, she chortles and snortles and blurts out her thoughts, and you can just about hear another screw go loose. Then she pulls herself together and makes you wonder: Is this nearly-off-her-rocker persona calculated to stand out in today’s noisy reality TV landscape, or is she frazzled due to a personal life in shambles? The loyal little girl in me believes the latter, but regardless, she’s got our attention now, and she’ll probably be tenacious about letting it go. Since Donny & Marie went off the air, she’s been an actress, country crooner, queen of a lucrative home-shopping doll empire, and talk show cohost. She’s even tried her hand at radio (in this 2004 clip of Marie and Friends, she cracks herself up telling listeners about the time she peed her pants on a date. Not during the date. On the guy.)
So what do you think should be Marie's next move? I’d never want her to do something completely nuts like go off her meds or lead sing-a-longs at Mitt Romney rallies, but what about this: Would ABC fire up a new season of The Bachelorette for her? Now, that would be crazy good!
Y'all have been posting away on Slezak's Bachelorfinale recap overnight, so I'll try to keep this "After the Rose" post-mortem short and sweet. Like Jenni and DeAnna. (Ah.) Here are some talking points:
• Trista and Ryan's baby, Max, should not have been wearing a T-shirt that had his name on it. It should have read, "My parents met on The Bachelor, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt." At least then we would have had something to focus on other than the fact that Ryan still looks uncomfortable on camera. Good thing Trista does all the talking for him, eh?
• In an evening of confusion, the only thing I truly understood was Jenni sobbing at the video tribute to her late, ornery grandmother, who'd passed away since her hometown visit. That lifetime relationship is something worth mourning (maybe not on a tacky, televised tell-all, but still); not the six-week courtship you had with a man who was dating 24 other women. I felt like Jenni had perspective.
• Brad kept saying he shouldn't have to apologize for not falling in love. And I agree with him. Why would we believe that his wife would be present in a group of 25 randomly selected women? What are the odds? Just because he didn't find someone he liked enough to want to date when she wasn't escorted to him in a limo doesn't mean he just went on the show to promote his bars. That may be naive of me to believe, but I buy it. Even after reading our Q&A with Bachelor creator Mike Fleiss who said, "The original ending [of the finale], before the network made me change it, was after the girls were crying we fade down and come back up to a shot of Brad sitting on the couch, remote control in hand, clicking on the game, munching on a submarine sandwich. That's what I wanted at the end. But the network said no."
• Should Brad apologize for leading these two women on—on a dating show? That's the question. I think it all comes down to intent: Was he maliciously reckless with their hearts, or did he get caught up in a situation that just supersucked for these two women? (Okay, either way he NEEDS to apologize, but I'm going with the latter theory, which doesn't make Brad evil.) I wish host Chris Harrison would have asked Brad to elaborate on why he desperately tried to make one of these relationships fit, to the point of having DeAnna's father flown into town before the final rose ceremony, in case he wanted to ask for her hand. I don't think he told DeAnna that the final rose ceremony would be a "good day" for her to set her up to be crushed. I think he was still trying to make it work in his mind, and wasn't smart enough to know that you hold your cards until the end if you're The Bachelor. I'm guessing he felt pressure from the show's producers—intentional or not—to keep pursuing these ladies. I mean, he's on a dating show that films for six weeks, why's he gonna close himself off prematurely? Why wouldn't he take a woman on as many dates as possible, hoping something clicks into true passion? What would've happened if he'd gone to producers and said, "I'm sorry, I already know that I'm just not into any of these women enough" two weeks into taping? (By the way, I'd love to see that happen, just once.) I think Brad's problem is that he was trying to play The Nice Guy and had no clue that you can't compliment a woman on a dating show and not have it mean something. Let me break it down for you. This will be good for all men to hear:
Every season on The Bachelor, there's one moment guaranteed to make me want to vomit. Okay, that happens eight times an episode, but seriously, I can always taste the bile when the bachelor dumps the runner-up, tries to coax her into sharing how heartbroken she's feeling (loud enough for the cameras, please), puts her in a limo, and then prepares to get down on one knee and propose marriage to another woman. How is it the "lucky" bachelorette can accept such an offer when some other broad's tears haven't yet evaporated off the bachelor's shoulder?
Last night, though, on the season finale of The Bachelor: Bar Owner and a Texas Millionaire, Brad pulled a fast one. (Click here to read Bachelor producer Mike Fleiss' take on the brouhaha.) Brad went to Chopard and "bought" a ring (on ABC's Master Card, perhaps?). He flashed his abs one last time while putting on his crisp white shirt. He stood before Jenni (right) and told her how from the moment he met her, he was taken aback by her gummy "beautiful smile." And then he kicked her to the curb, told her how much he (!) was hurting, and sent her away. Maybe she wore one too many strapless, elastic-top, baby-doll dresses. Maybe it was the way she sobbed uncontrollably while giving her desperate declaration of love: "I just need you to know that I would do whatever it takes -- whatever it takes -- to make you happy and to make this work." Maybe it was her failure to make a homemade lasagna or a promise that she'd move directly to Texas -- without passing go and without spending another season as a Phoenix Suns dancer -- that caused Brad to reject her. Whatever the reason, Jenni was history, like the Dead-Sea Scrolls. I just wish she hadn't been so damn gracious and told Brad she hoped he'd end up truly happy.
Anyone who wonders why I loathe "Women Tell All" night of The Bachelor need look no further than the opening 10 minutes of yesterday's episode: There we had host Chris Harrison waxing poetic about what an "amazing journey" and "real-life love story" we've seen during season 11, then cutting directly to clips of Hillary saying McCarten "smells like a fish taco" and comparing divorcee Bettina to a used car. It didn't help matters that imbecilic Hillary waved off weeks of shrewish behavior by completely misinterpreting the meaning of the word "witty." ("I just say witty things. Like, I don’t mean it to be harmful," she giggled, eyes burning with nothingness.)
I realize it's hypocritical of me to rail against the cattiness, competitiveness and self-loathing that are the keys to the "Women Tell All" show, because, really, that's the same currency that fuels every other episode of The Bachelor. And yet, somehow, it's worse. Perhaps it's the live studio audience that applauds after every highlight reel ends with a woman sobbing in the back of a limo. Or, more likely, it's because the episode doesn't limit screen time for smarmy Harrison, instead setting him loose for a full hour to try to cajole tears and insults from the season's most notorious rejects. That said, last night did contain a few bright spots and comic highlights:
Funnyman Michael Showalter, who knows a thing or two about the interwebs, will be guest-blogging throughout the day on PopWatch, sharing with us his take on what's new in entertainment. (First post, below, finds him getting his heart broken by reality dating shows.) It's a busy day for Showalter, who's promoting today's release of his concert CD, Sandwiches & Cats, and while he'll be popping up at various places across the blogosphere to tout his record, he'll be here at PopWatch all day dropping pop culture punditry. (Tip your waitstaff generously, folks.) Check back throughout the day for more from Mr. Showalter.
My name is Michael Showalter. You may know me from Wet Hot American Summer or Stella or The Baxter or even the guy from Sex and the City who's at Bed Bar. I have a comedy record that's "dropping" today and I'm blogging all over the place. For more on that, check out Stereogum. It's called Sandwiches & Cats, and it's mostly about sandwiches and kind of about cats. It has music and curse words and some help from my friends Janeane Garofalo, Eugene Mirman, and Zak Orth. It's sort of like Free to Be You And Me but totally different. I'm told you can get it on iTunes and Amazon and just about anywhere that sells stuff. "Even a shoe store?" you ask. Maybe.
Now that there's a writer's strike I've had even more to time catch up on all those important things I've been needing to do like watching reality shows on basic cable. For instance... I've been watching this new show called Shot at Love With Tila Tequila. It's on MTV. Tila Tequila is a pop music star with a website on MySpace that features downloads of her songs and many pictures of her in skimpy outfits. Until I saw the show that was all I knew about her. But I now know all sorts of new things: I know that she's bisexual; I know she's a pretty down-to-earth lady, when push comes to shove; and I know that's she's looking for a soulmate. That's what the show is about: a horde of men and a horde of women competing to be Tila's next main squeeze.
So far there have been lots of fireworks on the show. There was the scene where Vanessa, the "dancer" from upstate New York threw her drink at Brandy, and then there was the time when Rebecca was fooling around with Steven in the giant bed that they all sleep in. Yes, they all sleep in a giant bed. Fooling around with anyone other than Tila is against the rules, and Tila was very hurt that Rebecca would do something like that.
This week's installment of The Bachelor proved to be a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am(s) experience. In an abbreviated, 45-minute episode set in Cabo San Lucas, Brad bedded three different women, booted one of them from the competition, and sullied the reputations of dolphins, the America's Cup yachting competition, and famed Mexican artist Frida Kahlo in the process. No wonder our leading man was sweating like a barnyard beast through his clingy t-shirts!
Of course, in his defense, the final-three episode is always tricky territory for The Bachelor, who must perform the grotesque dance of trying to get each of the remaining women to declare their love for him (most likely under orders from the producers) while also cajoling them to spend a night with him in the "fantasy suite." (Or, is that "Fantasy, sweet!") Side note: For the love of all that's holy, why is the hotel-room key always presented along with a hand-written note from Chris Harrison? There's something inexplicably creepy about the way the show injects its smarmy host into the most intimate moment of the bachelor-bachelorette relationship, turning their decision to spend the night together into a sordid, three-way contract.
Anyhow, Date No. 1 this week found Brad and Jenni (a.k.a. Gummy Bear, pictured) swimming with dolphins. I wasn't sure if Jenni's squealing was a fear response or an attempt to communicate with the aquatic mammals, but thankfully, Brad was there to assure her he wouldn't let their magic moment devolve into an episode of When Dolphins Attack. I just wish someone had been there to comfort Flipper. I mean, what did the little guy do to deserve winding up on the sleaziest episode of America's most embarrassing reality-dating series. If that dolphin could speak English, he'd have turned to the cameras and demanded, "Bring back the fiery hoop! Anything! Just get me away from these freaks!"
Chris Harrison loves his superlatives, so how come he didn't tout this week's episode of The Bacheloras showcasing "the most boring hometown visits ever"? After all, ABC's reality-dating stalwart has, in previous seasons, played host to crusty old grandmas, disapproving daddies, spacey moms, and "ethnic" families dancing — all with a lot more drama and humor. And that gave this season's final-four episode a lethargically familiar vibe.
Not to say the hour was completely worthless — not with that opening shot of chiseled Brad taking a shower. Plus, constantly grinning Jenni showed some hidden depth, telling The Bachelor she wants a man who's willing to compromise and allow room for her career before she settles down. Granted, based on the "dance" moves Jenni showed off at her local Wichita theater, said career largely revolves around shaking her hind end for thousands of pro basketball fans. And while it's entirely possible Jenni's stance has less to do with self-respect than it does with her quest to become the most famous Phoenix Suns dancer ever, it was still nice to see a woman on this show not act like a shelter puppy, slobbering all over herself and her potential master in a "Pick me! Pick me!" display of desperation. Props must also be handed out to Jenni's grandmother, for her saucy response to Brad's comment about wanting a big family: "This little lady ain't a walking baby factory."
Still, as rough around the edges as Grandma Betty appeared, she had ten times the charm of Bettina's stuffy dad. I can certainly understand the guy's skepticism about his daughter (pictured) trying to find love on a tacky TV show, but if you're going to invite her suitor (and a camera crew) into your home, then you've pretty much forfeited the moral high ground. And as Brad himself noted, "I might not have education, but I'm intelligent enough not to judge anybody." Given Bettina's not terribly enthusiastic defense of her suitor — "I don't look that great on paper either." — I'm surprised he kept her and sent Sheena packing, but I'm guessing his decision had something to do with the fact that the show's producers anticipate an explosive Bettina meltdown in Cabo San Lucas, especially if she's thinking, "He must really like me if he met my dad and still didn't dump me!"
There are moments, however brief, when I stop viewing The Bachelor as a tragicomic social experiment staged solely for my amusement, and get the sudden, sinking feeling that I'm watching real people with real psychological issues, experiencing very real pain on my TV screen. Like, for example, the end of last night's episode, when Hillary, freshly jilted by Brad, had a sobbing, gasping, makeup-smearing meltdown (watch an abbreviated version of it, after the jump). Sad but true, Hillary's cries of ''Why are you sending me home?" and "I just want to go away" stared to make me feel a little queasy. And her final, parting shot -- "I wanted my dad to be proud of me!" -- made me sincerely hope that the show's producers set her up with some kind of post-show counseling.
Of course, if I'm being honest, my feelings of concern and sympathy lasted all of 8 seconds. And then I laughed and laughed and laughed. I mean, seriously. Hillary wanted her dad to be proud? The same Hillary who, in the midst of a pool-party with Brad, confessed to the cameras, "I would let him ravish me any time," and then followed it up with a tirade that was ostensibly so blue, ABC's censors not only bleeped out the sound, but also blurred Hillary's mouth like it was some kind of errant Nike logo. What could Hillary have said that was so skeezy, ABC didn't want to risk innocent toddlers lip-reading it?
Oh, and speaking of things ABC should've bleeped, how about dim Sheena's ear-curdling poem to Brad? If you have any love for the English language, or you're about to eat lunch, you might want to skip to the next paragraph. Otherwise, I give you Sheena's opening four lines:
I'm looking at my notes from this week's episode of The Bachelor, and one of my very first comments is, "Hillary ready to boil bunny." I mean, seriously, the look on her face when Brad arrived and took Jenni away in a helicopter was eerily similar to Glenn Close's when she confronted Anne Archer with a giant knife in the climactic bathroom scene in Fatal Attraction. I just hope five or six years from now that Crazycakes doesn't get the urge to pick Brad's daughter up from school and take her for an afternoon of fun at the amusement park, a scenario that doesn't seem all that far-fetched after catching the previews for next week's episode when — dramatic pause — Hillary leaves the show in a tornado of tears and sequins and groaning! Way to render everything else on this week's show totally uninteresting, ABC!
Or maybe I'm just referring to Brad and Jenni's rooftop date, which was so sweet and dull that I'm not going to waste another sentence discussing it. You know the producers felt the same way, too, since they kept cutting away to the action back at the house, where DeAnna and McCracken instigated a fight with Jade & Co. "It would be really boring if we didn't. You guys would just sit around and stare at each other," growled McCracken, who comes off as robotic and disengaged when she's stirring up trouble. DeAnna, on the other hand, is a straight-up beast, and yet somehow, I can't help but admire her lack of pretense. Who the heck wants to sit around watching infantile Stephy or bland Kristy braiding their hair? At least DeAnna knows it's her job to keep her wine glass close, and her enemies close enough to catch all her catty comments. Also, I think she actually digs Brad!
At this point on this season of The Bachelor, I can honestly say I don't care which contestant "wins." And it's not just because bizarre, bodacious Solisa got the boot last night. That was inevitable, after she worked Brad's lap like a stripper pole during a group date on a luxurious yacht. Which is a shame, really. I'd have loved to get one more episode's worth of her crazy, contradictory soundbites, but instead, we'll have to make do with recounting this week's greatest hit: "I think I have a really strong connection with Brad, and we have so much in common, so I kind of like, went over and, like, started, like, shaking my butt really fast, 'cause it's the only thing I know how to do." Really, like, the only thing better was, like, Bettina gawking at Solisa's gyrations, and noting, "I know who I'm gonna hire for his bachelor party." Oh, snap! I'm still not certain how much Brad enjoyed the performance, though, as I could not put my self-respect on hold long enough to slow-mo the close-up shot of his crotch that the producers cut to during the notorious pas de ewww. (That said, I'm not above asking the rest of you to report your findings in the comments section below.)
Anyhoo, on the subject of painfully awkward moments, how about Hillary's one-on-one date with Brad? Yeah, her near-constant flow of tears was disconcerting, but not so much as the craziness that was busting out of her eyes. Granted, the woman's self-respect went out the window when her date box arrived complete with a tight, black, sequined dress — I wonder if it included a tag that said, "Hello, living doll! Let me dress you up pretty!" — but how in the world was she completely overcome by a borrowed necklace and a nice dinner on the town? By the time they arrived at the Ghiradelli chocolate factory, you could see the plea written across Brad's face: "Have some dessert. Please stop crying." While there was no way the dude was going to send her home in such emotionally unstable condition, there's also no way she'll be making it to the "fantasy suite" stage of the competition.
Michael Slezak is on vacation, so I have the pleasure of dissecting what could be THE best episode of TheBachelor ever. Let's break it down:
• Slezak's prediction that McCarten would be the season's she-beast was confirmed by her not-so-sympathetic reaction to Michele phoning Brad to inform him that she had just suffered a mild concussion: "He got off the phone, and we found out that Michele fell down the stairs, and we were all kinda like, 'First of all, How the hell'd she get his phone number?'" I seriously doubt that all the women were thinking that, McCarten. At the very least, DeAnna looks smart enough to know that someone from the show would've accompanied Michele to the hospital and dialed Bachelor Brad's cell for her. I'm putting Sheena on notice for her equally empathetic words to the camera: "As much as we really hope she's okay, when it comes down to it, we're here for one reason. So, to be honest, it's one person down."
• Are these collectively the most aggressive Bachelorettes ever? DeAnna appears to be sane, but you've got girls standing on chairs and using binoculars to spy on the Bachelor, forcibly removing his shirt (I'm expecting more good TV things from you, Stephy, pictured with Lindsey and Brad), and kissing him mid-sentence. Brad's take on McCarten's poorly-timed peck made me heart him a little: "Towards the end of the talk, uh, we shared a kiss, which, uh, I don't know. You know, it — God, I can't lie. It wasn't good," he said, with the appropriate amount of laughter. The fact that he chuckles at these women when they're being ridiculous gives me hope that next week, when Hillary appears to take a trip to Crazytown on their one-on-one, he leaves the room not to get her a tissue, but to giggle in a place that's not in her face.
• Speaking of Crazytown, someone please explain to me what body-shot-calling, bikini-top-baring Solisa meant by, "I'm a Christian, and morals and values are very important to me, and [they] have always been issues in [past] relationships. But I usually stick to my morals and values. I'm not gonna just do something, just because." EW's Kristen Baldwin says that translates roughly to, "If it looks like a slut and talks like a slut, it's not necessarily a slut if it tells you it's a Christian," but I still don't get it. I wish Brad would've asked for clarification.
Today marks my third (not legally recognized) wedding anniversary. I say this not to brag that I've managed to avoid divorce proceedings despite forcing my husband to watch entire seasons of Hey Paula, Britney and Kevin: Chaotic, and America's Got Talent — although, come to think of it, that's mighty impressive! — but because watching last night's season premiere of The Bachelor reminded me that I haven't been on a first date in quite some time. And apparently, the threshold of acceptable early-courtship behavior has changed a lot over the course of the last half a decade.
How else to explain Juli ("without an 'E' at the end!") twisting herself into a human-pretzel in an effort to impress carefully stubbled Brad "Let's have some fun!" Womack? Or Morgan ripping off her shoes, placing her hooves on the table, and demanding The Bachelor "take a good look" at her webbed feet? Or, perhaps most startling of all, Tauni (pictured, right) bending over at the waist and offering up for inspection each side of her derriere, as if she were a butcher with two particularly choice cuts of meat for sale? By comparison, 33-year-old biology teacher Lori seemed like the picture of logic and good taste when she arrived on the scene and announced, "My strategy is to not cry, and to not get drunk."
Thankfully, Bachelorbot 11.0 seems to have come equipped with not only the fearlessness to take a shower on camera, but also a humor chip — actually laughing till he cried while recounting Morgan's feet accompli, deciding that Juli's flexibility was more "strange" than "hot," and responding to the stream-of-consciousness slurring by Melissa (pictured, left) that "she was enjoying her glass of wine a little more than she was enjoying me."
We here at PopWatch — and by that I mean me and Slezak, who'll once again be writing his weekly mini TV Watches — are gearing up for tonight's 11th season premiere of The Bachelor (ABC, 9:30 p.m.) After chatting with bluntly outspoken executive producer Mike Fleiss, I give you five reasons you should be, too.
1. You won't have to hear "Up Where We Belong" again... We had a love/hate relationship with last season's theme song for Bachelor Lt. Andy Baldwin, officer and gentleman. "I paid an extra 20 grand for that song," Fleiss says. "I dug down deep because I'm like, 'That's the key to the whole f---in' thing, man. Gotta have the song. Gotta have the song.'" Fleiss isn't expecting to have a theme for the new Bachelor, Brad Womack (pictured) — a successful, 34-year-old bar owner from Austin, Texas, whom he refers to as a "prism of hunkiness."
2. But you will get to see another ambulance. "Second day of shooting — ambulance. Taking care of business, baby," Fleiss says. "The first ambulance was in season 1. Who will ever forget Rhonda Rittenhouse and the panic attack? We were so relieved. We were like, 'Ah, thank God, she's having a panic attack. That's gonna make for great TV.' There hadn't been an ambulance on a reality show like that in prime time. But now it seems it happens every f---ing show. Now, I'm like, 'F---, an ambulance.' But no, it's good. A girl fell down the stairs and dinged herself pretty good."
There shouldn't be any shortage of nightspots where the bachelorettes can drink on the 11th edition of ABC's The Bachelor. That's because the man that the gals will be fighting for is Brad Womack (pictured), 34, who co-owns four bars in Austin, Texas, with his brothers. (Brad's got a twin named Chad, how cute, and another brother who ruins the rhyme scheme named Wesley, both of whom are married. Sorry, girls.) Now, I like the idea of a self-made entrepreneur Bachelor instead of the usual princes, heirs, and out-of-work actors; maybe he won't come equipped with the usual sense of smug self-entitlement (though, when a couple dozen women are throwing themselves at you, maybe you can't help but get a swelled, um, head). I just wish ABC would stop referring to him in press materials as "The Bachelor's own 'McSteamy.'" C'mon, ABC, that well's run dry. Trying to hitch your aging reality show to the Grey's Anatomy McBandwagon that way just smacks of desperation.
What do y'all think? Is this guy a keeper? Will you be tuning in to watch him generate a long list of exes in Texas when the show premieres on Sept. 24?
Is there anything more thuddingly dull than a Bachelor season finale? Thank heavens for DVR rewind, because I actually began to doze off about an hour into the interminable conclusion of The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentleman. I guess when it comes to ABC's seemingly indestructible dating franchise, I prefer the early weeks of sobbing, competitive bitchery to a 120-minute litany of earnest, moon-eyed, love declarations. In the final segment of the show alone — from the time Tessa (pictured, right) got out of the limo until the big proposal — Andy (center) unleashed a torrent of clichés, including: "wish come true," "sky's the limit," "shoot for the stars," "rollercoaster ride," "beyond my wildest dreams," and a double dose of "anything is possible."
Which still wasn't as big a turnoff as his decision to drop the "L-bomb" on his last dates with both Tessa and Bevin (left). Having (unfortunately) read a couple weeks ago about Tessa spoiling the finale beans, I was aghast to hear the "officer/gentleman" whisper, "I love you too, Bev," after their screaming helicopter date. And how creepy was it to hear him insist, "I want to hear you say it" (for the camera), when Bevin showed the slightest reluctance to declare her feelings to him one last time? I guess in Andy's mind, an "I love you, too" doesn't mean nearly as much as an "I freakin' love you!" — which he broke out after receiving a hideous photo collage from Tessa.
There's only three unlucky women remaining on this season of The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentleman, and in honor of desperate schoolteacher Amber's elimination, I present you with the following pop quiz about last night's episode. Everyone get out a pad and pencil, and face the front of the room. Begin!
1. Andy's silver car with the crazy doors is: A) a DeLorean. B) a Lamborghini. C) the Batmobile. D) embarrassing.
2. At the beginning of last night's episode, Andy paired each of the four remaining women with a descriptive phrase. Which one doesn’t belong? A) Danielle: "I feel her heart so much" B) Amber: "warms me up" C) Bevin: "manly hands" D) Tessa (pictured, with Andy): "amazing emotions"
3. After Bevin's father encouraged her to dive headlong into a relationship with a man she barely knows (and who happens to be mulling marriage proposals with at least three additional women), she responded by saying: A) "I have to just let go." B) "It's all about the journey." C) "Jesus, take the wheel." D) "It puts the lotion in the basket."
4. When Andy and Bevin inevitably split, who will get custody of the lovely forest scene Bevin's mom painted for them? A) Andy B) Bevin C) one lucky eBay-er D) the nearest dumpster
5. One of the personality traits Andy said he likes about Danielle is that she: A) "Gives 1,000 percent, just like her mom." B) "Triumphs over hurdles." C) "Willingly allows me to force-feed her bites of banana." D) It's a trick question! Danielle has no personality traits.
6. Andy and Danielle's end-of-date kiss signaled that: A) her mom should not have prepared clams casino for an appetizer. B) dude will try anything once. C) their "fantasy suite" date next week will be a good time to fold the clothes. D) she's going to totally get the ring.
7. Tessa's best friend and sister: A) are part of a feminist plot to destroy The Bachelor franchise. B) deserve their own reality series — but only if they're joined by Amber's roommate. C) are just jealous because they don't have boyfriends with eight-packs. D) should have stuffed Tessa into a van and driven her to a safehouse.
8. The most uncomfortable part of Andy's visit to Amber's hometown was: A) the dangerously short minidress she wore to visit her grade-school classroom. B) the fact that her roommate calls her "Ambee." C) her Pomeranian, Pasha, spinning wildly and urinating on the floor, then barking off camera while the couple made out. D) the uncontrollable sobbing.
9. The emotional highlight of the "most dramatic rose ceremony ever" was: A) Amber's scarily specific vision of a future in which she "would've bent over backwards" to please her man. B) Amber's futile attempts to pull up the sagging top of her strapless dress. C) The controversial cutout panels in the sides of Bevin's gown. D) Andy's admission that he wanted to "bring all four women to Hawaii."
10. *Why does Chris Harrison feel the need to always say, "Ladies, this is the final rose tonight"? A) Because it is a natural stimulant to the women's tear ducts. B) Because the bachelorettes may have looks, but that doesn't mean they have math skills C) Because deep down, Chris is evil D) Because he likes to use the word "ladies" whenever possible
There's been a changing of the she-beast guard on The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentleman. In: Desperate, clingy schoolteacher Amber (pictured, with Andy Baldwin), exactly the kind of woman who should be shaping young minds. Out: Wild-eyed organ donation coordinator Stephanie South Carolina.
Clearly, the producers Andy had no choice but to boot the busty, gummy bachelorette whose unnatural fixation on scoring an engagement ring from a complete stranger ran second only to her gleeful disdain for her housemates — Amber in particular. "Amber has to be the center of attention all the time. Amber is very passive aggressive. Amber can't make her own decisions. Amber's insecure. Amber doesn't have the self-confidence. She's just not the right girl for Andy," Stephanie S.C. seethed during her group-date confessional. Was I the only one worried she might sneak up behind Amber in a white, tiled bathroom and menace her with a kitchen knife? By the time Stephanie S.C. showed up to the rose ceremony in a brown handkerchief, beautifully slurring words like "nurturing," it was clear we'd be missing out on a hometown visit that could shed some light on her stalker-y roots.
I'm worried, PopWatchers. Based on episode 3 of The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentleman — anyone else wonder that happened to the missing "An" in that title? — I fear that future bachelorettes might be taking away some false and/or dangerous lessons. So let's get right to it and debunk the three most misleading pieces of information disseminated on last night's show.
Myth No. 1: The fastest way to a rose is injury! Having a "drill sergeant" order the bachelorettes out of bed and force them to clean the commode with toothbrushes — all without makeup or moisturizer! — was a stroke of genius. Well, at least until the veiny, screaming Mr. Clean sent the ladies through an obstacle course, and zealous Bevin (pictured) appeared to fracture her left ankle. That strange humming noise you heard while Andy rushed to the scene and handed a rose to his "fallen soldier" was the sound of 11 soulless, hung-over women screaming, "WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?" (Screaming on the inside, of course.) Amazingly, Nicole actually allowed herself to express that thought aloud before the rose ceremony, but even better was Amanda's envy about Bevin's trip to the emergency room: "Maybe that one-on-one time wasn't appealing to her, but..." Oh come on! Anyone want to bet on one of the remaining women "accidentally" cutting off a finger while making a blender drink, or hitting her head on the side of the Jacuzzi, before the season's out?
Also hilarious was the pre-commercial tease as the ambulance carried away the fallen bachelorette: "Can Bevin continue to date Andy?" Um, why not? Girlfriend injured an ankle — no need to put her in a sack and take her down to the river. Then again, an unappealing ankle-cast isn't convenient if you want to slip on a bikini and cavort in a mud bath. Which brings me to Myth No. 2.
After last week's (sad? surprising? inevitable?) announcement that ex-Bachelorette Deanna Pappas broke off her engagement with Jesse Csincsak, it seemed that all couples who meet on the reality show are doomed (with the exception of Trista and Ryan, obvs).
File this under things we didn't see coming a mile away: ABC just announced that Jason Mesnick, who you might recall got down on bended knee during the last season's 
British Bachelor Matt Grant and his fiancée/"Monkey," Shayne Lamas, have finally 
Everything's over except the 
Well, I thought Bachelor Matt was going to pick Chelsea... right up until his parents, Tony and Trish, said they could see him more with Shayne. In my mind, his parents' blessing was all Matt needed to seal his happily ever after with his 22-year-old cuddle monkey. By the end of the finale, Shayne had won me over, too. And you know I hated that.
It's the 
Ever since I wrote a PopWatch post about the Three's Company episode that I still can't discuss without getting misty -- and 
There was so much goodness (read: awesome badness) in this episode, that I don't know where to begin. So before we get into ousted Amanda calling Matt a "douchebag" (you go, girl!), I'm gonna pretend I'm a Bachelor cameraman and go where the skin is.
Is it just me, or were the home visits surprisingly tame this season, even with Shayne's mother's lipliner and Amanda's faux parents' R-rated performance? That must have been why Chris Harrison's opening voice-over was already plugging "the most romantic season finale ever!" If you play it backwards, you hear, "We know this episode is boring, but you've stuck it out this long, so we also know that you'll be back." True. You got me. Let's break this snoozefest down date-by-date:
The road to the final four was supposed to be paved with "the most shocking confrontation in 
What could possibly beat that human Muppet whose name I've already forgotten handing Matt a pair of her panties on Night 1? How about Kelly (pictured, right) opening up her dress and cupping her "very large breasts" during a conversation with Matt before last night's rose ceremony! Seriously, WHAT was that about? I guess when Matt told her that he wanted her to be as fun with him as she was around the other girls, that's all her tipsy mind could come up with. Classic.
As usual, this episode managed to have at least one "dream date" that I'd never want to go on. 
Two observations:
The first episode of any new 
Last night's "Where are they now?" Bachelor special was full of surprises: Lorenzo was voted least-favorite Bachelor over Alex and Brad, while Andy was crowned the favorite (which, as my friend Eva might say, makes him King S--- of Turd Island). We found out which Bachelorettes are now engaged (Brad's Jenni, Jesse's Trish, and Travis' Moana) and which ones have already gotten married (Aaron's Brooke and two-time hopeful Heather). Though those happy endings are nice, I found the most inspiring story to be Travis' Kristen, who actually found a man willing to wear fake teeth with her on national TV. That's a keeper.
This just in: DeAnna Pappas — the brunette who took Bachelor Brad Womack's decision to stay single the hardest — will be the new Bachelorette when the show returns this summer. According to the ABC press release, the 26-year-old real estate agent from Georgia is assertive and independent, and enjoys cooking, bartending, white water rafting and camping. She has also "traveled all over Europe, putting her Greek ancestry to good use." "Interested and eligible men" — I love that they felt the need to spell out eligible — can throw their hats into the casting ring by logging on to www.thebachelor.tv or calling 866-739-3150. 
I wanted to be Marie Osmond when I was little (or, rather, I wanted to be an only-child version of Marie, so that I could sing duets with Donny and also marry him and share purple socks. Something kinky like that.) Many Dancing With The Stars watchers don’t get how the mediocre moves of America’s Corniest Sweetheart kept her afloat in the competition week after week, but I don’t think speed-dialing Osmondphiles are the only explanation. I find new-millennium Marie irresistible for one simple reason: she seems like she might just be bonkers. 
Y'all have been posting away on Slezak's Bachelor 
Every season on The Bachelor, there's one moment guaranteed to make me want to vomit. Okay, that happens eight times an episode, but seriously, I can always taste the bile when the bachelor dumps the runner-up, tries to coax her into sharing how heartbroken she's feeling (loud enough for the cameras, please), puts her in a limo, and then prepares to get down on one knee and propose marriage to another woman. How is it the "lucky" bachelorette can accept such an offer when some other broad's tears haven't yet evaporated off the bachelor's shoulder?
Anyone who wonders why I loathe "Women Tell All" night of The Bachelor need look no further than the opening 10 minutes of yesterday's episode: There we had host Chris Harrison waxing poetic about what an "amazing journey" and "real-life love story" we've seen during season 11, then cutting directly to clips of Hillary saying McCarten "smells like a fish taco" and comparing divorcee Bettina to a used car. It didn't help matters that imbecilic Hillary waved off weeks of shrewish behavior by completely misinterpreting the meaning of the word "witty." ("I just say witty things. Like, I don’t mean it to be harmful," she giggled, eyes burning with nothingness.) 
Funnyman 
This week's installment of The Bachelor proved to be a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am(s) experience. In an abbreviated, 45-minute episode set in Cabo San Lucas, Brad bedded three different women, booted one of them from the competition, and sullied the reputations of dolphins, the America's Cup yachting competition, and famed Mexican artist 
Chris Harrison loves his superlatives, so how come he didn't tout this week's episode of 
There are moments, however brief, when I stop viewing
I'm looking at my notes from this week's episode of The Bachelor, and one of my very first comments is, "Hillary ready to boil bunny." I mean, seriously, the look on her face when Brad arrived and took Jenni away in a helicopter was eerily similar to Glenn Close's when she confronted Anne Archer with a giant knife in the climactic bathroom scene in Fatal Attraction. I just hope five or six years from now that Crazycakes doesn't get the urge to pick Brad's daughter up from school and take her for 
At this point on this season of The Bachelor, I can honestly say I don't care which contestant "wins." And it's not just because bizarre, bodacious 
Michael Slezak is on vacation, so I have the pleasure of dissecting what could be THE best episode of The Bachelor ever. Let's break it down:
Today marks my third (not legally recognized) wedding anniversary. I say this not to brag that I've managed to avoid divorce proceedings despite forcing my husband to watch entire seasons of Hey Paula, Britney and Kevin: Chaotic, and America's Got Talent — although, come to think of it, that's mighty impressive! — but because watching last night's season premiere of The Bachelor reminded me that I haven't been on a first date in quite some time. And apparently, the threshold of acceptable early-courtship behavior has changed a lot over the course of the last half a decade.
We here at PopWatch — and by that I mean me and Slezak, who'll once again be writing his weekly mini TV Watches — are gearing up for tonight's 11th season premiere of 
There shouldn't be any shortage of nightspots where the bachelorettes can drink on the 11th edition of ABC's 
Is there anything more thuddingly dull than a Bachelor season finale? Thank heavens for DVR rewind, because I actually began to doze off about an hour into the interminable conclusion of The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentleman. I guess when it comes to ABC's seemingly indestructible dating franchise, I prefer the early weeks of sobbing, competitive bitchery to a 120-minute litany of earnest, moon-eyed, love declarations. In the final segment of the show alone — from the time Tessa (pictured, right) got out of the limo until the big proposal — Andy (center) unleashed a torrent of clichés, including: "wish come true," "sky's the limit," "shoot for the stars," "rollercoaster ride," "beyond my wildest dreams," and a double dose of "anything is possible."
There's only three unlucky women remaining on this season of 
There's been a changing of the she-beast guard on The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentleman. In: Desperate, clingy schoolteacher Amber (pictured, with Andy Baldwin), exactly the kind of woman who should be shaping young minds. Out: Wild-eyed organ donation coordinator Stephanie South Carolina. 
I'm worried, PopWatchers. Based on episode 3 of The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentleman — anyone else wonder that happened to the missing "An" in that title? — I fear that future bachelorettes might be taking away some false and/or dangerous lessons. So let's get right to it and debunk the three most misleading pieces of information disseminated on last night's show.