PopWatch Quote of the Day: 'Waiting for Guffman' Edition

“I’m goin’ home and I’m gonna...I’m gonna bite my pillow, is what I’m gonna do!” --Corky St. Clair (Christopher Guest), Waiting for Guffman

iPod Inspection: The songs you can't find on iTunes

Doing some fall closet cleanout over the weekend, I came across a stack of old cassingles -- oh how the word 'cassingle' warms my heart -- and decided it was time to make like Beyoncé and Jay-Z and upgrade 'em. So I headed over to iTunes and downloaded such delights as Weezer's "Undone (the Sweater Song)," Pebbles' "Giving You the Benefit," and K7's "Come Baby Come." (Let he who is without early '90s musical sins cast the first stone!)

Unfortunately, I discovered that several songs I wanted weren't available on iTunes, including the following:

Cathy Dennis (pictured, left), "You Lied to Me"
Shakespear's Sister (pictured, right), "You're History"
Kym Sims, "Too Blind to See It"
Nu Shooz, "Point of No Return" (not to be confused with Expose's track of the same name)
KLF (featuring Tammy Wynette), "Justified and Ancient" (iTunes only has the non-Tammy version. WTF?)
Lisa Lisa, "Skip to My Lu"
Sabelle, "Where Did the Love Go (Say What, Say What, Say What?)"

Outrage alert! Tell me how iTunes can justify their failure to provide the public with these tragic essential tracks? And more importantly, where can I get 'em? And while we're on the subject, share with your fellow PopWatchers the list of songs you love that you haven't been able to purchase digitally. As a reward for not mocking my musical taste too brutally your participation, I've embedded the video for "Where Did the Love Go (Say What, Say What, Say What?)" after the jump. Ch-ch-check that hot flute line. You know you love it!

More on old-school music:
Apparently, many twentysomethings don't know KLF's '3 A.M. Eternal'
More iPod inspections!
'Why Wasn't This a Huge Hit?': Juliana Hatfield's 'Universal Heartbeat'
How did US radio miss out on S Club 7's 'Don't Stop Movin'?

'Ugly Betty': Egg salad or salami?

If you are not excited about the season premiere of Ugly Betty tonight, then you have not watched this video.

"Bunz with a Z!"

Did you just gesture at me when you said 'Ugly Betty' vodcast?

Ugly Betty is blessedly back in just six days, but fellow Betty lovers, can you believe it's been nearly four months since we've heard a classic put-down from Wilhelmina Slater?! Honestly, how are you surviving? Well, if you're like me, you're enjoying the show's latest vodcast, in which Betty faves (and EWwy nominees) Michael Urie and Becki Newton lead a tour of the show's new New York City-based sets. (Betty moved production from LA this year.) The delightful video (check it out below!) doesn't reveal too much about  season 3 plotlines, yet it's worth watching for a peek at Wilhelmina's austere redesign of Mode HQ. Even though she's didn't commandeer Daniel's office for herself, it will be home to her spawn. Personally, I'm a huge fan of Willy's decorating style for the nursery, which looks like it sprang from an episode of HGTV Design Star starring Cruella de Vil.

So that video is below, but unfortunately, you won't find any classic put-downs from Willy there. If you're like me and need a little something from your favorite diva, check out the "I Don't Get Wet (Remix)" on YouTube. (I sometimes sing this to my EW colleague Annie Barrett. It's very catchy.) You'll be grooving to a techno version of Willy's spat with guest star Betty White. Or, just watch the hilariously satisfying scene where Wilhelmina and Marc (Urie) duke it out in the stairwell. Can someone please give this woman an Emmy this weekend? Please?? PopWatchers, don't you think she deserves it?

We can't stop playing this hot-ass Army of Lovers song

Two hours ago, Slezak randomly IMed me the link to the below video, and it turns out that Army of Lovers' not particularly successful 1990 single "My Army of Lovers" is exactly what I feel like keeping on in the background for the rest of Friday. Won't you join me? If you're really busy (yeah right), just jump to the faux-pensive faux-playing of a neon-hued plastic keyboard at 0:33. -- it'll save time as you're hunting around for a horrifying image to haunt you all weekend.

Says Slezak: "I will deny to the world that I downloaded this CD today. (I used to own it on tape.)"

Good luck with that now, sir!

'The Women': Revisit some 1939 quotes before you see the 2008 update!

Whether or not you're planning on catching Diane English's update of The Women -- it opens this weekend; click here to read Owen Gleiberman's review -- it's definitely worth taking a few minutes and revisiting some classic, catty quotes from the 1939 original. If you're in a rush, just jump ahead to the 6:40 mark, for Joan Crawford's legendary parting shot: "By the way, there's a name for you ladies, but it isn't used in high society outside of a kennel."

Muppets returning to TV? Let's join in song to celebrate!

You've heard about the all new Muppet movie script that Forgetting Sarah Marshall star (and Judd Apatow gang member) Jason Segel has been working on? Well, according to The Sun, there's a chance that if the big-screen project is a commercial and critical success, it might spin off into an all new Muppet TV series. Squeeeeeee!

[Let's all pause and catch our collective breath. If you need a moment, you can click here and read Whitney Pastorek's fascinating profile of nudity-loving Segel from a few months back.]

Anyhow, this development got me so excited, I had no choice -- no choice I tell you! -- but to pen a song of anticipation/celebration, set to The Muppets Show theme song. (Click here if you need musical accompaniment to my little ditty.)

It's time for Kermit's closeup
And yes, Miss Piggy's too
A total Muppets comeback, it cannot happen too soon

The perfect family program
A certain ratings bang
Cue Gonzo and Camilla but not Jason Segel's wang

Who misses goofy Beaker
And Bunsen Honeydew?
Who'd do a double cartwheel
If the Muppets were all new?

Big networks get things started!
Make sure it's Henson-hearted!
Why don't you get things started?
On the most sensational inspirational celebrational Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show!

Do you believe...in casting Cher as Catwoman?

I'm loving this rumor that the next Batman sequel will feature a Catwoman played by Cher. According to this dubious, thinly sourced Telegraph article, franchise director Christopher Nolan wants the 62-year-old Oscar-winner to play the feline femme fatale "like a vamp in her twilight years." (Hey, nobody better tell Cher or her fans that she's a vamp in her twilight years.) Truth is, there've been no announcements about the next Bat-film, including even whether Nolan and star Christian Bale are coming back, much less who the villains will be or who'll play them. (Slashfilm has a good, accurate timeline on the latest news, meager as it is, about the forthcoming sequel.) Still, why shouldn't the filmmakers look as far afield as, say, Cher to play Catwoman? (Don't dismiss her because of her age; she's indestructible!) Or Johnny Depp to play the Riddler (as the Telegraph article also claims)? Heath Ledger wouldn't have been my first pick to play the Joker, but that eccentric bit of casting certainly worked out. Who would you like to see in the next Batman adventure, PopWatchers, and playing which character?

iPod Inspection: What were the last five songs you played?

Last night, returning home from a weekend visit to visit my mom's house, I was charged with the all-important task of doling out Werther's Originals delicious snacks and playing iPod deejay. The last five songs on our road trip prove that I was subconsciously in the mood for songs with parenthetical song titles (but then again, when am I not?) and that I was feeling nostalgic for late '80s/early '90s dance music. Here's the unfiltered (and not completely embarrassing) set list:

Carly Simon, "(We Have) No Secrets"
Sandra Bernhard, "You Make Me Feel (Mighty Real)"
Soul II Soul, "Get a Life"
Clubland (featuring Zemya Hamilton), "Torture (In the Name of Love)"
Stereo MC's, "Connected"

Okay, I got the party started, and now it's your turn: What were the last five songs you played on your iPod (or stereo)? And remember: No editing allowed, even if you're coming off a deeply dubious "Macarena"-"Mambo No. 5" double-header!

Someone please explain this 'classic' Carly Simon video!

Carly Simon has never been very high on my list of Celebrities I Truly Find Interesting—I guess you could say she falls somewhere between Harry Anderson and anyone who's ever been a contestant on The Bachelor. But because I support my friends' weird obsessions in the hope that they'll put up with mine, I found myself in Martha's Vineyard last week. My friend Matt, an avowed Carly junkie, has been trying to woo me to her side for years by playing her music and expertly giving me the back story to each song. (Though as far as I can tell, there's only one back story, and it involves James Taylor, drugs, and lots of sweet, sweet lovemaking.)

This summer, Matt asked me to join him on a pilgrimage to Menemsha, the teeny-tiny seaside town that Carly sang about in a 1983 yacht rock ditty of the same name, so I joined him. Menemsha is beautiful: a lush, remote outpost where families and ersatz WASPs like me and Matt—who spent two consecutive evenings getting sloshed on white wine and playing Monopoly—can unwind and listen to nothing but the breeze. It also happens to be the spot where Carly Simon filmed the video for her 1985 single "My New Boyfriend," a misguided foray into dance-pop that I'm pretty sure Carly would just as soon forget. I'm posting the spectacularly awful music video here today, not because it offers any great views of Menemsha, but because I would like you to explain a few things to me. For starters, what is happening here? How are the Egyptian headdress, the Flintstone family campfire, and the robot connected? To the scholars out there: Is this a racist video? And finally, where did the man in the Caesars Palace t-shirt come from?

Carly Simon - My New Boyfriend via Noolmusic.com

Who are your dream (gay) boyfriends?

As this year's LGBT Pride Month comes to a close, I want to pay tribute to some of the fabulous gays who tickle my pop-culture fancy. Take it from Grace, Carrie, Charlotte, all those girlfriends on Queer Eye, and now me -- gay boyfriends are a girl's best friend. If I could assemble a dream team, these great guys (two real, three fictitious) would comprise my personal Fab 5:

1. Mario Cantone: Forget Sex and the City's raucous Anthony; I'm talking about the actor who plays him. Indeed, the ribald comic can make Barbara Walters blush and leave Sherri Shepherd crying tears of laughter as The View's resident GBFF. I can't think of anyone on television with whom I'd rather share a couple rounds of drinks and dish the latest reality shows (as he does so hilariously in the clip below).

After the jump, check out the rest of my picks (including the young'un who bumped poor Carson Kressley off my lineup):

How well do you know your '80s lyrics?

Straight up now tell me: Are you an '80s music addict? Then come go with me by clicking here and taking a totally rad '80s lyrics quiz. (Thanks to my friend Bonnie for sending it to me; that's a half-hour of my life I won't be getting back!) I scored a better-than-expected 123.5, but still can't believe I missed No. 91. (D'oh!) And even after finishing the quiz and getting the answer key, I still needed Google's help to determine the song origins of Nos. 38 and 71.

Once you've completed your test (yes, that Rick Springfield photo to the left might be a clue to one of the answers), post your score in the comments section below, and share with your fellow PopWatchers which questions stumped you the most. Like a Pointer Sister, I'm so excited to hear how you did!

'Excuse me, Syesha? There's a Miss Cobbins for you on line two.'

Okay Trenyce, show her how it's done.

(Check out Syesha's cover, for comparison, after the jump!)

iPod inspection: Shuffle like you mean it!

National Coming Out Day is October 11, but don't tell my iPod, which automatically waves a rainbow flag every time I decide to publish a "Shuffle Songs" countdown. Alrighty, here goes:

Nancy Sinatra, "These Boots Are Made for Walkin'"
Diana Ross, "Give Up"
Tricky, "Black Steel"
Dolly Parton, "It's All Wrong, But It's All Right"
Abbey Lincoln, "Another Time, Another Place"

Now it's your turn: Hit that shuffle button, and share the first five songs that play. Editing to make yourself (and your taste in music) sound cooler is strictly verboten.

Miss USA 2008: Presented by Maxim?

Friday night, while my sister was in town for a "Being Fearless" conference and listening to Mia Farrow speak about Darfur, I was lounging in her hotel room and watching the Miss USA pageant for the first time in at least a decade. Before you say, "I know who got the brains in that family," you should be aware that my sister asked me to watch it, and that she was thrilled that she made it back to the room in time for the Final Question.

This year's pageant, hosted by Donny and Marie Osmond on NBC, was in Vegas, which I'm assuming is why the 51 contestants started the show in skimpy, sequined cocktail dresses. Here, you can really appreciate the detailing on the bodices of their garments in this video of the Top 15. (Would it have killed them to pan up to their faces?) The swimsuit competition was full of amazing little moments as the contestants, clothed in faux fur wraps, black bikinis, and stilettos, worked the stage to a 10-minute live version of Finger Eleven's "Paralyzer." (My favorite moment being at 9:40, when a cameraman shot through a contestant's legs to capture one of the band members.) Next, came the "evening gown parade" to Rihanna's "Umbrella." I'm still trying to figure out why Miss Missouri thought it was a good idea to show her thong, and why Miss Oklahoma's cutout dress earned her a 9.318. Of course, only the Top 5 actually got to speak. I was disappointed that judge Rob Schneider's name wasn't one of the five drawn for the Final Question (embedded below). But at least we got Project Runway winner Christian Siriano! He asked Miss Oklahoma which famous person she'd like to help better herself. Naturally, she chose Britney Spears, which wouldn't have been a bad answer had she said that it was for the sake of Spears' kids and of the children who still look up to her. (Instead, it was so Spears could "go on to the next deal.") I believe Heather Mills deserves full credit for dashing Miss Pennsylvania's hopes: Mills asked her if it's a good thing that cosmetics companies are marketing beauty products to girls in elementary school. Pennsylvania's answer: It depends on the product.

Here's my question: Is the Miss USA pageant always this ridiculous*, or did I happen to catch a particularly noteworthy year?

*Yes, I'm just jealous of their bodies. You're absolutely right.

Should Cher play every role in everything from now on? (YES!)

For years, I've been mercilessly mocked by my friends for advocating a CD series called Now That's What I Call Cher!, which would essentially take the concept of Now That's What I Call Music, but instead compile the biggest radio hits of every era as covered by the Oscar-winning star of Moonstruck. This pitch is usually followed by me attempting to imitate Cher performing Guns N' Roses' "Paradise City" or Beyoncé's "Irreplaceable" or Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy," and everyone's stunned realization that, in fact, her throaty warble fits every genre perfectly! (Yes, this is the most embarrassing/gayest sentence I have ever written for PopWatch.)

Imagine my shock, then, when on a recent visit to Metafilter, I was directed to a YouTube video of Cher's version of West Side Story — in which she plays every single role. According to the folks at Just Plain Cher, the performance was part of a 1978 ABC special (called, naturally, Cher), and I hereby pass the insanity on to you all. Check out part one below, and part two (after the jump), and if you have any words to describe your feelings, do cher share them with your fellow PopWatchers.

What's missing from our list of the Worst Movie Dialogue Ever?

At a time of year when we're reminded of the best that movies have to offer, let's not forget that some of Hollywood's best have also had to say some of the worst lines ever written for the screen. Check out our new Worst Movie Dialogue Ever gallery — and then feel free to complain here about your favorite lame lines that were left off the list. (Me, I'm disappointed that we couldn't find room for any of the many howlers from Showgirls. Admittedly, most of them are unprintable, but one that's SFW is when Elizabeth Berkley's Nomi, pictured, is trying to bond with Gina Gershon's Cristal and squeals, "I used to love Doggy Chow, too!" Good times.) Go ahead, show us your good taste in bad taste in the comments section below.

Remembering Vampira

I love it that the Associated Press' obituary for Maila "Vampira" Nurmi suggests that she was the first Goth chick. Which is probably true; certainly, the campy/vampy persona and undead-chic style she pioneered and embodied lives on among black-nail-polished gals everywhere. Nurmi, who died Thursday at the age of 85, first made an impression in the 1950s when she invented the Vampira character to host a Los Angeles-area horror-movie TV show. Her sexy succubus seemed an apparent inspiration for later horror/camp sirens like Carolyn Jones' Morticia Addams and especially Cassandra Peterson's Elvira, though Nurmi filed an unsuccessful $10 million lawsuit against Peterson for allegedly stealing her character.

Even if you never saw Vampira's TV show -- and few did -- fans everywhere can enjoy her work in a variety of Z-grade movies, most famously, Ed Wood's Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959), in which she gives an aptly robotic performance as a zombie. Sure, the movie is terrible (it's the ultimate so-bad-it's-good flick), but like so much else in it, Vampira's performance has a weird energy that's absolutely riveting. Who knows whether she had talent as an actress; she had presence, a screen charisma that earned her generations of cult fans, and that will surely continue to astonish, delight, and haunt fans of the bizarre and macabre.

Celine Dion is amazing

This really needs no preamble other than to warn that there are a few textual f-bombs dropped in this video, note that all this footage comes from the two-disc DVD of Ms. Dion's recently concluded Las Vegas show A New Day, and explain that the word "amazing" is meant both ironically and very much not. Enjoy!

A jumping off point for the comment boards: How many of you already suspected that she was actually like this? Or already knew it for a fact? 'Cause I sure didn't.

Are we loving Will Arnett as the voice of KITT?

Yes, yes we are.

After watching this ad, are you more or less excited for the return of Knight Rider on Feb. 17?

David Hasselhoff will cameo as Michael Knight, should that sway you in either direction.

Trailer Blazer: 'Hancock'

Wow. I mean...wow. Just...look.

He's homeless and drunk, see. But he's got powers, get it? And his life is still screwed up. That's deep. Here, finally, is the film that will test Will Smith's true box office power: Can he, through sheer force of STAR, make this lame-ass, Blankman-grade superhero satire a hit? Not since Wild Wild West has Smith shown up in a film that carried with it the overwhelming stench of misfire.

And I haven't seen a tossing-of-marine-wildlife gag that good since My Super Ex-Girlfriend. And we all know how that turned out.

Do we really need Donny and Marie Osmond back on TV?

I may heart Donny Osmond, but I had the same reaction as my friend Sheila when I read that he and Marie are reportedly being courted for network and syndicated hosting gigs: "Jesus Christ! Make it stop!"

I'm pretty sure we didn't need to see daily coverage of them on the entertainment news shows during Marie's Dancing With the Stars run — and I know I didn't need to see The Insider on the airplane with them as they traveled home to their father's funeral last month. (For the record, I didn't: I flipped the channel.)

So who else thinks that before anyone signs anything, TV execs should be forced to sit in a room with Marie for five hours as she's cracking one-liners? Or would you disagree with me and argue the duo can’t get back on the air fast enough?

Trailer Blazer: 'Mamma Mia'

Okay, full disclosure: I've never seen the Broadway show, the one that's taken over Cats' "now and forever" spot at the Winter Garden Theater. I've barely listened to any ABBA; enough to recognize some of the songs — since I have been alive during some of the 20th century — but not enough to profess any love for them. But after seeing this trailer...

...I'd probably go see this flick (it opens in July 2008). Why? Because it looks like vacation (in a way that Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights completely didn't; that one looked like work). And who doesn't wanna go on vacation in a beautiful place, with sun-kissed people dancing around as if life was an open bar? There's only one weird thing here: Much like the Sweeney Todd trailers, you'd almost never know this was a musical. I caught a bare couple of shots of Meryl Streep singing, but nary a do-re-mi from Pierce Brosnan, Colin Firth, or Stellan Skarsgard. Again, I say weird.

Trailer Blazer: Welcome to 'The Machine Girl'

There are times when I think that the cultural divide that separates Japan's pop sensibility and America's is one that will never be bridged. That two great nations, once united by a common love for Godzilla and Jennifer Love Hewitt, can never again see eye to eye.

Then I see things like this — which, viewer beware, is ridiculously bloody — and realize that their brand of awesome-crazy is almost identical to ours:

To paraphrase Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, revenge is a dish best served with a Gatling gun for an arm and a "drill bra."

Been there, 'Dune' that

There's a rumor floating around the intarwubs that Paramount is thinking about taking another stab at adapting Frank Herbert's seminal sci-fi novel Dune. Here's why I think this is an awesome idea:

1) It's a fantastic book. Really. One of a handful of unqualified sci-fi masterpieces. And if you think it's all about Sting (pictured) in awkward codpieces and sand wedged in uncomfortable places, peep this quote, attributed to Herbert: "I had this theory that superheroes were disastrous for humans, that even if you postulated an infallible hero, the things this hero set in motion fell eventually into the hands of fallible mortals. What better way to destroy a civilization, society or a race than to set people into the wild oscillations which follow their turning over their critical judgment and decision-making faculties to a superhero?"

If that's not perfectly in sync with our current Heroes/comic-book pop-culture obsessions, I don't know what is.

2) Neither of the previous adaptations have lived up to the book's promise, not David Lynch's 1984 film (with Kyle MacLachlan as the superhero in question) nor the Sci-Fi Channel's 2000 miniseries. (I have a weird fondness for the Lynch. It doesn't make sense, but it absolutely feels like we're peering into an alien world, and you can't say that for most movie science fiction.) This material ripe for reinvention.

Good idea or bad idea? What other classic sci-fi texts would you love to see on the big screen? Asimov's Foundation saga? Heinlein's Stranger in a Strange Land? (Personally, I vote for Orson Scott Card's Ender's Game.)

The best '80s movie trailers

Normally, I think it's lame when DVDs include the film's trailer among the special features— but not when I'm watching an '80s movie. It's fascinating to look back and see how they marketed "classics" like...

1982's The Pirate Movie, starring Kristy McNichol and Christopher Atkins...

...and 1985's Gymkata, starring Olympic gymnast Kurt Thomas

What are your favorite '80s trailers? Non-guilty pleasure are welcome. YouTube links are encouraged.

iPod inspection!: Please press 'shuffle' now!

It's been a month since we last played a game of "iPod Inspection," and today, I thought it might be fun to just hit the old "Shuffle Songs" function, and see what my little silver friend has to say about me. So without further ado...

Susanna Hoffs (pictured), "Only Love"
Omara Portuondo, "Siempre en Mi Córazon"
Anastacia, "I'm Outta Love"
Crystal Waters, "The Boy From Ipanema"
Madonna, "Hollywood"

Alrighty then! Apparently, my iPod is saying I'm gayer than a tangerine wearing a feather boa shopping for ginger bodywash at Origins, but I think most of you already knew that. So moving right along, what are the first five songs you get when you hit 'shuffle,' and what do these tracks reveal about who you are (if anything)?

Could this be R. Kelly's most brilliant stunt yet?

Read enough about R. Kelly lately? If you're sorry that all the "Trapped in the Closet" hullabaloo is starting to die down, fear not. His rapidly approaching sex-tape trial (jury selection is scheduled to start Sept. 17) should provide plenty of new material. In the meantime, though, try parsing an even more perplexing work of art: the R. Kelly Smooth Jazz Tribute.

I stumbled across the album while perusing this week's new releases on the iTunes Music Store. Credited to the Smooth Jazz All Stars (also responsible for such fine albums as Jill Scott Smooth Jazz Tribute and Nelly Furtado Smooth Jazz Tribute), it's exactly what that title suggests. Ten of Kelly's biggest hits are interpreted in a subtle instrumental style informed by Kenny G; some sort of horn toots away where you'd expect Kells' horny lyrics. All the bases are covered, from this summer's "I'm a Flirt" to 1996's "I Believe I Can Fly" to, yes, 2005's "Trapped in the Closet." And here's the funny thing: These versions are actually sorta listenable. Seriously! The elevator-music take on the "Ignition" remix might even be more effervescent than the original, dare I say it. The All Stars, whoever they are, really studied their source material, and that makes all the difference—these are no cheap rip-offs. The tracklist doesn't specify which part of the "Closet" saga is being tackled, but it's impossible not to recognize the horn soloist's approximation of those fateful words that opened Chapter 1: "Seven o'clock in the morning and the rays from the sun wake me/I'm stretchin' and yawnin' in a bed that don't belong to me..."

On the scene: The 'Trapped in the Closet' premiere

R. Kelly's mind-boggling "Trapped in the Closet" saga conquered yet another medium last night, when downtown New York City's IFC Center theater hosted a premiere for Chapters 13-22. Such a formal celebration—complete with a flood-lit red carpet, though I didn't spot a single celeb walking said carpet—was precisely what a monumental pop-culture achievement like "Trapped" deserves. And taking in all the shocking twists and turns of these latest chapters all at once, in a darkened room full of other devotees, was an experience I'll not soon forget. (I won't spoil anything—you can see the new chapters yourself at IFC.com, where they're being rolled out daily—but suffice it to say that Sylvester, Twan, nosy neighbor Rosie, and the rest of the cast travel to some strange, fantastic, borderline-offensive new places.)

But the real highlight was the brief yet spellbinding speech that Kells himself (pictured) delivered in person before the theater's lights went down. "Hello, New York," he opened, to rapturous applause. "I'd like to welcome me here." Finally, a chance to glimpse inside his one-of-a-kind mind! All our lingering questions, answered at last!

... Or not. "I have no idea of how to explain 'Trapped in the Closet,'" the R. continued. "I can explain all my other songs, but this is an alien to me. The reason I say that is that it's something that has never happened — can't nobody explain it, including me."

Who Else Remembers This? (Vol. 9)

I realize it's only been a month since I blogged about a classic Central Park West catfight between Raquel Welch and Lauren Hutton, but I couldn't resist pointing out this equally vicious (though far more delicate) exchange between Victoria Principal and Yasmine Bleeth on the short-lived 2000 soap opera Titans. The way Principal drops that "When were we not talking about houses?" zinger, she might as well be hurling a beaker of acid straight at her younger rival's face. Now if someone could just post a YouTube clip of Bleeth's bitchy Heather telling Lourdes Benedicto's Samantha that interoffice romances are "strictly verboten," I could die a happy man. If not that, maybe the casting geniuses at Desperate Housewives could just hire Bleeth and Principal for a couple of juicy recurring roles for next season?