That headline is just about all the excitement I can muster up for America's Next Top Model cycle 12, which ended last night with whatever is a greasy runway's aural equivalent of a "bang." I won't spoil the winner here, but I will admit that when her name popped up on the You're A Cover Girl: It's All Downhill From Here screen, I realized with amazement that I'd never noticed exactly how it was spelled. That pretty much sums up the season.
It wouldn't be too spoiler-y to revel in the Allison vs. Teyona (pictured, bottom) runway-show ridiculata, though. The hair people totally sabotaged Teyona's weave on purpose so she'd have to whip all three feet of it around and around (pictured, top) like the fabulous paint-wrestler she'd dreamed of being since she was a little girl. That was the best part of the runway spectacle; the non-competing models flailing lifelessly in a heap with "We don't have to play Showgirls too, right?" faces ran a close second. This was almost as fierce a challenge as the "real. live. ANIMAL BLOOD!" photo shoot on EW.com's famed America's Next Top Doll.
Thoughts on the finale, PopWatchers? They better be fierce. We need to see more of your personality.
More Top Model:
Paulina Porizkova fired from 'Top Model'. When will the recession end?!
I'm a huge fan of the nonstop camp rollercoaster that is America's Next Top Model. But this season, er, cycle -- the show's 12th -- I've found myself building up a DVR backlog, and when I finally got a chance to catch up this weekend, I had to (blasphemy alert!) fight the urge to hit the fast-forward button on my DVR. It's not that there aren't contestants to love (Aminat!!) and loathe (Sandra, Natalie), it's just that the show's formula of mentally and emotionally torturing pretty young ladies has grown suddenly stale. Which got me thinking about five ways Tyra & Co. can freshen things up for Cycle 13. Read on, then make your own suggestions for reviving Top Model in the comments section below!
1. Turn the contact sheets over to the contestants and let them choose their own "best shots." Think about it: In its current incarnation, Tyra and the producers have way too much power to script and manipulate the outcome of the competition. "Here's your best shot" could easily be translated as "here's your worst shot because we've determined your story arc is ovah!" Why not let the show's dim-witted mannequins have a larger hand in determining their own fates? Especially if it allows us to see a weekly range of pho-tos -- the fierce, the hideous, the ones that fail to capture this season's keyword of "tension!" -- for every girl in the competition.
2. Make sure there's something at stake at each week's photo shoot. Come on, there are hundreds of magazines, Web sites, clothing labels, and retailers that would kill for some free publicity. Instead of draping the models with meat-kinis (remember THAT one?) or making them try to scale the Great Wall of China, why not have 'em compete to land actual spots in editorial or advertising spreads, and thereby see on a week-to-week basis who's got the goods to survive in the real world. It'd sure beat having the week's winning shot displayed as digital art in the Top Model house. (Bunk!)
3. Replace the man at Tyra's right hand -- at the judges' table, that is. Keeping it really real, Miss J and her growing bowtie simply isn't cutting it when it comes to delivering the funny -- or the pertinent critiques. Why not bring back Nolé Marin, who slayed during deliberations in the March 25 episode.
4. Turn Paulina into Top Model's Tim Gunn. Seriously! She's smart, she's funny, she actually knows a thing or two about modeling. Bring Paulina on to the set to help advise clueless contestants as they try to smile with their eyes while fighting back the tears that result from listening to Mr. Jay's patented brand of bitchery.
5. And finally…bring on Princess Thursday! (If you don't know who that is, then it's time to familiarize yourself with America's Next Top Doll…after the jump. And fret not, ANTD fans, the long-awaited series finale will be filmed when Idol season is over!)
Last night's long-ass premiere of America's Next Top Model, Cycle 12: Goddesses and Monsters wasn't so much agonizing as soooooo very predictable. Miss J. wore a bonnet. Jay Manuel's entire face had been spray painted on in the wrong shade. Meaty and delicious Spartan gladiators showed up all the way from the fifth century B.C. to flank Tyra on an optical-illusion "bridge." A historic brownstone was gutted, fumigated for any pesty crumbs of authenticity, and upholstered with terrifying billboards of Tyra. It was everything we've come to expect from Top Model, and went down like a cold lump of congealed mac-and-cheese after three days in the fridge.
Still. There was that out-of-nowhere enormous spread of food featuring about six turkeys that did catch me totally off-guard. Plus, even brick-like mac and cheese technically qualifies as comfort food! So somehow, inexplicably, all is well. Commenter "peaches" put it best, last night: "Slop Model has been in da crapper for a few years. Tyra is intolerable and the competition is a total sham. And yet I'm watching it again!" Bingo. (Speaking of which, look forward to a photo shoot involving Bingo and other retirement home games in cycle 71, when Tyra takes it upon herself to illuminate America to the prejudice against old ladies. "You've got to find the fierceness in those used dentures. Root around in there and get it, gurrrrl! Because that's what a top model must. do.)
The CW has announced a list of guest stars and big-name for The CW directors for March sweeps and beyond.
My top two must-sees from the release:
• 90210, April 14: "Tori Spelling returns to Beverly Hills in her original role as Donna Martin! Oscar-winning writer Diablo Cody guest stars as herself. Jennie Garth also guest stars."
• America's Next Top Model, April 8: "Recording artist Clay Aiken appears as a guest judge during an acting class."
(Note: Jason Priestley directing 90210 on April 7 might've made my list if it also involved a cameo). After the jump, the full list of spoiler-ific guests for Gossip Girl, 90210, One Tree Hill, America's Next Top Model, Smallville, Everybody Hates Chris, and The Game. Any of these got you psyched?
Let's do some math: There are eight contestants remaining on season 1 of America's Next Top Doll -- Explorita, Rageia, Soda Float, B.J., Hawaiielle, Etendrer, Adderalleigh'ah, and Princess Thursday -- but only two episodes left (counting today's). Which would lead one to believe that more than one doll is getting "eliminated" after our latest photo shoot. WHO will (and who should) make the final three? Post your predictions, your wishes, and whatever conflicted emotions you have about this groundbreaking disturbing little series in the comments section below!
Tune in, y'all, as Tyra puts the dolls through their most challenging photo shoot to date. In the enigmatic words of her Tyra Mail™: "You'll absolutely flip when you get to your shoot. But if you play with fire, you might get buried alive." Which roughly translates as: "Tuesday, Dec. 2, at 8 a.m. EDT...the penultimate episode of America's Next Top Doll premieres right here on PopWatch! Y'all!"
Good news: Entertainment Weekly and The National Guild of Performing Dolls have (finally) come to a compensation agreement! And that means there will be an ending to Cycle 1 of America's Next Top Doll. WHO! Will be eliminated? And WHO! Will win the coveted $100,000 contract with Effete Doll-Model Management? We'll finally find out in the weeks ahead!
Tensions in the Top Doll house begin to simmer when Rageia uses Hellaciouse's pillowcase as a laundry bag, but when a poolside blowout gets ugly, one hopeful could see her dreams get washed away. Nine girls remain. WHO! Will be eliminated tonight?
When the dolls discover their photographer is none other than Miss Tyra Banks, they're forced to reach deep inside themselves and leave everything they've got on the table. Literally. WHO! Will be eliminated? Tonight!?!?!
