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TomKat's vows revealed!

Nov 17, 2006, 05:38 PM | by Michael Slezak

Categories: Celebrity Couples, Celebrity Weddings, Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise

15489__cruise_l OK, so it's PopWatch confession time. Sometimes, on Friday afternoons, when it's all down to searching YouTube for Jane's Addiction videos and dreaming of mojitos, my colleague Annie Barrett and I like to play a game called "Celebrity Roleplay." And with the Most Blessed Wedding of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes slated for this weekend, we decided to take a crack at enacting their ceremony. After Annie and I arm-wrestled for rights to wear Kate's white Target gown (she won, naturally) we assumed our roles and exchanged vows. And they went a little something like this…

Tom: I vow to go for it!
Katie: You vow to go for it!
Tom: I respect women.
Katie: You respect women.
Tom: I love women.
Katie: You love women.
Tom: I promise to save you and Dakota Fanning from the blood-sucking aliens that have put the Northeastern United States in peril.
Katie: I miss Pacey.
Tom: Kate! (broad grin)
Katie: (in monotone) My name is Kate.
Tom: I vow to take you in my arms and kiss you passionately at public sporting events.
Katie: I vow to fake it, too.

Tom: I vow that you will have a silent birth.
Katie: (silence)
Tom: I vow to get a minimum of $20 million up front, with an option for 15 percent profits on the back end.
Katie: You love women.
Tom: Suri! (broad grin)
Katie: Yep. We're both here.
Tom: You don't even know what Ritalin is. If you start talking about chemical imbalance, you have to evaluate and read the research papers on how they came up with these theories, Matt, okay? That's what I've done. Then you go and you say where's the medical test? WHERE'S THE BLOOD TEST THAT SAYS HOW MUCH RITALIN YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GET?
Katie: I vow to crush up some Ritalin and put it into the placenta you never got around to eating.
Tom: I'm living my life. And I feel fortunate, you know. I feel really fortunate. And I'm excited. I'm passionate about learning. I'm passionate about life.
Katie: I miss my friends and family.
Tom: "Respect the c*ck!" (laughs) That's from Magnolia. I got an Oscar nomination for that. (broad grin)
Katie: (sighs) I know. It was in my orientation binder.
Tom: Help me to help you, Kate.
Katie: Help.

fmpoiq trhxgal Mon, Feb 25, 2008 at 12:53 AM EST

rzjdfv ozudxj spnew sobpzlw syik rmabnwpx rfgn

kjoijtunhb Thu, Feb 1, 2007 at 01:32 AM EST

BM..they care about the media..hun, its called a publicity stunt. thou ur naive, babi just hit me bettween the eyes personality..is..cute..in a scientology kinada way

Sue Thu, Dec 14, 2006 at 01:16 AM EST

Prediction - if a second child is born to Tom Cruise and Katies Holmes and it's a boy it will be named Elmo. I finally figured out why they named their daughter Suri. I have way too much time on my hands.

Michael Neubauer Mon, Nov 20, 2006 at 03:15 PM EST

Michael, you summed TomKat up better than anyone! "It was in my orientation binder." Aside from the Kathy Griffin marathon on Bravo earlier, this will have me laughing the rest of the day!

BM Mon, Nov 20, 2006 at 01:39 PM EST

People, get over it. They're happy. What's it matter to you? They don't care about the media. They don't care if you like them. They don't care about your comments. They are people who happen to make movies. I'm sure when you get married and have a baby noone is going to care---so leave them alone. They don't want you to care.

Anna Mon, Nov 20, 2006 at 12:18 PM EST

Actually, The Other Kyle, people are always saying they're sick of couples like TomKat. The media can't get enough of them however and since they insist on remaining out of touch with the people, we're stuck.

That said, I'm not going to waste any more emotion hating on these two. It's just not worth it. So I hope they are truly happy and wish them all the best.

Alicia Mon, Nov 20, 2006 at 12:07 PM EST

I can't believe Joshua Jackson didn't show up to rescue her.

aramis Mon, Nov 20, 2006 at 09:57 AM EST

Slezak for Prez in 08!

Joe C Mon, Nov 20, 2006 at 08:56 AM EST

Michael, you forgot one of Katie's vows: I promise to stop saying '5 minutes to Wapner' every 15 minutes!

Jasper Sun, Nov 19, 2006 at 09:41 PM EST

I didn't read the article because I just can't TC is my third favorite actor and I still can't take another TomKat story. I'm sure it's funny though. Poor Slezak having to write this.

Steven Sun, Nov 19, 2006 at 07:08 PM EST

Michael Slezak, will you marry me (in Canada or Mass.)?

Rhonda Sun, Nov 19, 2006 at 01:40 PM EST

who doesnt have a serious unrequited crush on slezak?

Richard Sat, Nov 18, 2006 at 06:53 PM EST

That was very good. Annie Barrett is TOO funny.

Denise Sat, Nov 18, 2006 at 03:57 PM EST

You forgot the part where she pledges to put on her Nikes and drink the Kool-Aid at the appropriate time.....

Lisa Sat, Nov 18, 2006 at 12:29 PM EST

When will the press know that We just don't care about the stupid words that are said by people who don't konw how to make the words spicel and with meaning not just dribbl

Kayla Sat, Nov 18, 2006 at 12:27 PM EST

Tom and Kate; are they still married? And "they" said it wouldn't last..... Ha!....30 minuts and counting....

yawn Sat, Nov 18, 2006 at 10:59 AM EST

Really, who cares?

ChickaDon't Sat, Nov 18, 2006 at 10:50 AM EST

honeymoon - pleez pleez - I'm dying to know if it will include an airpunch and a "YES!"

kennyk Sat, Nov 18, 2006 at 10:05 AM EST

My opinion revealed: WHO GIVES A F**K.

Sarah Sat, Nov 18, 2006 at 08:41 AM EST

I love you EW. Even you know KH is better off with Pacey aka Josh than that nutcase

sara Sat, Nov 18, 2006 at 01:09 AM EST

soooo very creepy.

someone help that girl, please. Oh hell, she's already sold her soul to the psycho that is Tom Cruise, she's on her own.

wonder if she's allowed to speak to her baby yet??

mike Sat, Nov 18, 2006 at 12:06 AM EST

Good stuff. But, when you got to the part about Tom vowing to get 20 million up front and 15 percentage points on the back end, you didn't go far enough.
Katie: I vow to get $20 million from you for this, and that will stop people from gossiping about getting back ends.

Ed Fri, Nov 17, 2006 at 11:47 PM EST

Michael, loving the Mojitos pictures! I had a draft for 2 bucks a pop at the local Friday's.

On Friday afternoons, I let my class of 1st graders go on the computers as well as do puzzles so I can clean up my stuff early and leave at the bell. I'm usually the one to reserve the seats for the rest of the teachers who actually work their students.

Juju Fri, Nov 17, 2006 at 11:21 PM EST

Nathan, I hope you have had an AIDS test. Remember Freddy Mercury of Queen, and one of the members of the group STYX whose name escapes me at the moment? Unfortunately, they thought just the way you do. And please don't think condoms will save your life, because they rip!

dommy Fri, Nov 17, 2006 at 11:12 PM EST

I call tomorrow Xenu Day. Everyone should join in on the merciless mocking of Scientology.

dan cullinane Fri, Nov 17, 2006 at 10:51 PM EST

jenna -- that is the lamest...um...yawn...what...oh, yeah, you're stupid

jenna von oy Fri, Nov 17, 2006 at 10:08 PM EST

It looks like Dan has a serious unrequited crush on Sleazak.

dan cullinane Fri, Nov 17, 2006 at 09:51 PM EST

AAAAAAHHHHHH...not funny, so not funny...and it could have been...should have been, its such an easy target...it was hilarious when defamer did it, oh, TWO WEEKS AGO...you sack...every time i go to read something that has promise, it turns out that its just michael slezak tipping yet again into the abyss of suck...when will it stop?! AHHHHHHHH...

Jen Fri, Nov 17, 2006 at 08:52 PM EST

Katie: (sighs) I know. It was in my orientation binder.

Ha!! Classic!

Ms Daisy Fri, Nov 17, 2006 at 08:08 PM EST

Poor Katie. Is it too late for an intervention?

nathan Fri, Nov 17, 2006 at 07:06 PM EST

I'm glad Tom's happy, but I still agree more with the George Clooney lifestyle; Date all of the hot young Hollywood ingenues you can get your hands on, but DO NOT marry them, what's the point of being famous?

jen Fri, Nov 17, 2006 at 06:40 PM EST

Oh so funny! I love that the one time she goes off cue (with Pacey), he brings her back. Hysterical!

Nancy Walker Fri, Nov 17, 2006 at 06:16 PM EST

Very funny! My oh my, Tom better watch that double chin.

Jeff Commings Fri, Nov 17, 2006 at 06:12 PM EST

I want to know what else was in the "orientation binder."

MK Fri, Nov 17, 2006 at 06:09 PM EST

I love you, Michael Slezak! Thanks for the laugh. Maybe you could "report" on the honeymoon for us next Friday.

MAP Fri, Nov 17, 2006 at 06:00 PM EST

Slezak, you've made my day. Again.

confidential Fri, Nov 17, 2006 at 06:00 PM EST

I am glad someone... anyone out there acknowledges that this relationship is pure crap! Its a farse, I tell you!!!! Wait the scientaligist are at my door to take me away.... Just for speaking the truth!!!

Danielle Fri, Nov 17, 2006 at 05:57 PM EST

I don't know, I found that pretty funny. And probably, scarily, accurate.

The Other Kyle Fri, Nov 17, 2006 at 05:47 PM EST

You know, people and the media are always saying they're sick of couples like TomKat.

Yet they constantly talk about them.

The best way to get them to go away is to STOP POSTING FRIVOLOUS STUFF ABOUT THEIR LIVES!

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