That night, emboldened by yet more rosé, Nick misread the signals and went in for a kiss. Jess’s response (saying “yo” repeatedly) was not exactly what he’d intended, and they decided to stay apart for the remainder of the cruise. Winston didn’t approve of this plan, which was “like the President and the Vice President not being best friend.” To be continued…
Schmidt-mance Fail No. 2: After ordering a violinist he’d commissioned to start playing upon hearing the words “may our progeny bathe in the infinite glow,” Schmidt approached Cece to woo her with sweets nothings such as “Your eyes… in the moonlight, they sparkle like… fish eyes.” Unfortunately, she was too distracted looking for a phone signal, then finally admitted she was fighting so hard to talk to Buster because she wanted to make a relationship work for once. Schmidt realized he ultimately wants Cece to be happy and decided to give up the chase. As if on cue, Winston — not the violinist — rushed into the conversation… and then blew Schmidt’s cover. Then cue the world’s most incompetent violin serenade artist.
The three of them joined Coach, who’d been singing himself a soothing lullaby about not dying). Winny the Bish hatched a plan to get the exes in the same place to take the pressure off them and patch up their friendship. Re-enter Captain Jan, who came over the ship’s loudpseakers to announce that Nick and Jess should report to their room for “a non-life-threatening but necessary official maritime situation. This is not an emergency. It is definitely not.”
Once the state room door was locked and the “Do Not Disturb” sign was in place, Schmidt apologized for demanding too much of the exes. “Just let us in,” he implored, “open your cellar doors and let us taste your jams.” Neither Nick nor Jess was on board with that particular turn of phrase (Nick: “Hey, that’s my ex-girlfriend’s jam you’re talking about!”), but Cece got the conversation rolling. Jess and Nick finally copped to being worried about the “landmine for trouble” inherent in living with your ex. What would happen, Nick wondered, Jess brought “other hunks” around? Or, asked Jess, what about when Nick brought “some ho-bag around.” Jess then half-jokingly threatened to beat said ho-bag’s ass, to which Nick asked, “What if she’s bigger than you?” Jess: “She probably will be.” Truth, yet… zing!
Just as the others felt Jess and Nick had chartered a course to recovery, Jess let slip that Nick had tried to kiss her because “you try folding towels and see if you don’t get turned on.” (Coach: “Yeah, because they fold the towels like vaginas.” Winston: “They’re swans, dude!”) The exes admitted the day had been so hyped-up on romance that it had reignited their intimate feelings toward each other. Everyone rabble-rabbled, of course, but it was actually a solid, productive, non-weird moment of vulnerability and reconnection that the exes agreed didn’t have to go anywhere or get resolved immediately. They agreed they were each “okay” before sharing a non-genital-touching hug.
Jess suggested gamely, “Let’s go eat our weight in fake crab!” Only… the door was locked, and they couldn’t get it open. Someone suggested calling ship security, but Coach had gotten rid of the room phone because he thought the friend-tervention “was going to be more intense than this.” Fast forward to three days later when the safety instructor forcibly pried the door open. Jess sheepishly told him, “We did bad things to the tub,” as Winston pronounced himself “the sugar man,” and Nick screamed, “Silence! I have the talking soap!” Silver lining: Thanks to local news reports, the loftmates now had a family portrait (in which Cece was adorably looking at Schmidt with moony eyes). The gang also had new sleeping arrangements thanks to Schmidt, who welcomed Nick back into his room and suggested they invest in bunk beds: “It’ll be like college, only with a lot more sex. [Pause] That came out wrong.”
How did you like how season 3 wrapped up, folks? Share you thoughts in the comments!
NEXT: Two things about Coach you can’t unknow