Winston: I got hug number two locked and loaded — soft or hard, it’s up to you.
Schmidt: We’re men. We’ve felt pain, we’ve survived it. Look at me, I’m watching Cece drool over some 20-year-old. How could she be interested in a boy when you could have these ripe berries. [Lifts towel] Look at these, Nick.
Nick: Put your towel down.
Winston [walks in]: Oh God, I need a schvitz. [Pauses, sniffs] Why does my sweat smell like asparagus?
Schmidt: He does take all the sexual tension out of a room.
Winston: Man, I heat up every room I walk into it. Put me next to a dozen eggs… they hatchin’. You know why? Because I got the heat of a mother hen.
Nick [to Schmidt]: There was no sexual tension in here before he got here.
Gary the Janitor: You call me “Gary the Janitor” as if me being a janitor is my whole identity. It’s like somebody calling you “Jess the Third-Hottest White Teacher.”
Schmidt: We all think that you’re an idiot for dating the 14-year-old.
Cece: He’s 20.
Schmidt: That means he was 7 when Good Will Hunting came out. Seven, Cece. Good Will Hunting.
Winston: Hey, you know what, let me go, let me go, let me go – Cece’s boyfriend is so young that [pause... pause... pause] okay, come back to me.
Cece: Buster is more of a man than all of you, okay? He’s been to, like, 40 countries. He builds boats. He use to train snakes with his uncle.
Schmidt: Earning a respectable wage. Wearing a proper-hanging pair of slacks. Ordering sushi like a sick-ass boss. These things a man maketh.
Cece: So stupid stuff that you do. I know that technically you guys are men, but all you do is hang out with each other like you’re 12.
Nick: What do you know? You’re just a stupid girl!
Coach [to the loftmate guys]: Listen up, chaperones! You will obey all of my instructions. This means everything to Jess. Your asses belong to me now. Which means I currently have four asses — the three of yours! And mine!
Winston: I think we’re capable of handling a bunch of prepubescent kids.
Coach: Do you think you are tough, Winston? You have no idea what these little bastards are capable of. I mean, I love ‘em. I love ‘em with all of my heart. But they will [breaks up] hurt your feelings sometimes.
Schmidt: He’s right. I remember “Sticks and stones may break your bones, but…” not if you’re a fat kid with a calcium deficiency.
Schmidt: All right, kids, let’s use the serving tongs — this isn’t Appalachia.
The guys “rapping”…
I don’t wear indigo, I don’t wear teal,
You better look out, you know that’s why that right that’s ’cause Schmidt is for real!
I take that back, I actually do wear teal
When I say “Sometimes,” you say “Teal” –
What’s up, what’s up what’s up? Anybody here from Chicago? Chicago, Illinois? City of big shoulders, big dreams! [Blank stares from the kids] That wouldn’t make sense, you guys go to school here, you’re just kids, so you’re all from here. Somebody else go!
I’m gonna be a cop, straight walkin’ the beat,
Role model, out on the street.
Unless I get assigned to a desk –
Which is also vital
Because when the paperwork slides that’s how you get a mistrial.
When I say “Mis-,” you say “-trial” –
“Mis-!” [less enthusiastic] “-trial.”
I said “When I say ‘Mis-,’ you say ‘-trial’!”
“Mis”– unless you tryin‘ to die!
You know who you are….