'New Girl' recap: Good Cop, Bad Girl

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Things reached a climax in more ways than one that evening. Nick thought he could take control of the situation by suggesting to Jess that Abby just needed a distraction in the form of Li’l Schmidt, but Jess wasn’t buying it. She’d found a North Hollywood apartment surrounded by churches and gay veterans that was also conveniently across the street from an emergency room. She was full-steam-ahead with her own plan: She’d get Abby buzzed and give her the hard sell for independent living. She even went so far as to script lines for Nick.

At dinner, let’s just say Nick’s real-estate-pamphlet spiel proved he shouldn’t quit his day job (or even his moonlighting gig as a zombie novelist) to pursue acting. Add to that Schmidt’s interloping (beckoning jollily, “Who wants to rediscover couscous?”). Suffice it to say, neither Abby nor Schmidt were concentrating on the business at hand — that is, unless you mean Schmidt’s business and Abby’s hand (euphemism!). The whole thing was gloriously uncomfortable for everyone except Schmidt, who has a lack of self-control and a bit of an exhibitionist streak, it turns out. He finally came clean to Jess about his and Abby’s afternoon of “banging and poking and scratching and hanging and teasing — such teasing, I mean really excruciating, life-giving teasing.”

On the bright side, Jess actually got what she wanted, sort of. After Nick took the sisters to task for manipulating and lying to each other, they hashed out their differences, and Nick forced them to have each other’s back when he took Jess’s honesty pile-on a little too far, muttering to Abby, “You’re a garbage person, and you should live in a dumpster with rotten snails!” Regardless, it was easily smoothed over. Then Abby announced she would move out — and in with Schmidt! I’ve been wondering when they would use the long-simmering plot device of Schmidt’s loft, and we can officially file this development under “Things That Are Totally Unexpected and Absolutely Awesome.” It will likely be short-lived (Linda Cardellini isn’t booked for any episodes past next week), but I’m going to enjoy the ride while it lasts. And so will Schmidt. As he left, he asked, “Hey Jess, can I borrow your glasses? We’re going to role play as you guys.” She and Nick were both understandably horrified, so he clarified (even more ickily… and hilariously), “You don’t understand — she’s not going to be you, I’m going to be you!” And with that, a knife dropped onto the dinner table.

Later that night, Jess apologized to Nick for having such a crazy family. He was incredulous. As he’d noted earlier, he came from a long line of liars and con-men. Still, he affirmed once more, “You’re family’s not crazy. My family’s crazy. My father used to trade horse semen. I’ve got an uncle who’s God-given name is Shifty.” They laughed as Jess noted, “Well thank goodness we’re the sane ones.” And then she threw a knife at the ceiling above her bed.

NEXT: Winston gets testy

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