Cece [to the guys, out of earshot from Jess]: She has no idea about the party! [The guys all cheer, and Jess hears.]
Nick [covering]: Uhhhh… Winston’s STD free. [The guys, except Winston, cheer again. Nick gives him a pointed look.]
Winston: Woo! Close call! Yeah, haha, close call, y’all.
Nick: Do you guys know how hard it’s been for me to keep this party a secret?
Schmidt: Nick, it’s been an inspiration. That’s why we’re going to help you cross that finish line, okay? This is our Rudy.
Nick: Very condescending, but thank you.
Cece: I’m ready [to tend bar alone]!
Mike: You set fire to soda water. Who does that? How do you even possibly do that? It’s not even a flammable thing. How do you… are you a witch?
Winston: I’m done letting you run the court. I’m building my own court, and it’s going to be bigger and yummier than yours.
Coach: You challenging me to a bake-off, Bish?
Winston: Yes, I am challenging you to a bake-off.
Coach: Okay, well then I’ll do the countdown.
Winston: You know what? [Grabs the timer] I’ll do the countdown then. The countdown begins when this timer goes off. [They stare at each other for several seconds until Coach looks down at the timer.]
Coach: You set the timer for 20 minutes. [Winston resets the timer, and they stare at each other again; Coach says in a gravelly, aggressive voice] I’m going to make a cake so moist, girls are gonna be like, “Ew! Why do you say ‘moist’? I hate that word.” But I’m gon’ be like, “Just taste the cake,” and they’re gon’ be like, “Damn, it’s moist.”
Nick: Do you know any time-consuming and free activities in Griffith Park?
Schmidt: Gross! [Thinks about it...] Suicide?
Cece: I can’t do anything. No skills. I never told you this, but I didn’t even graduate high school.
Schmidt: A lot of people never graduated high school — Einstein, Bill Gates, Anne Frank [realizes what he just said] I’m going to take back that last one.
What worries Nick Miller on the (presumed) brink of death…
“I’m pretty sure I’m having a heart attack, and I haven’t arranged for anybody to clear my Internet history. I wasn’t building a bomb! I was just curious.”
Jess’s Birthday Video Intro (written by the man behind Z Is for Zombie)
“In the beginning, there was nothing. And then there was light and dark and ocean and birds and stuff. And then there was… Jess!”