Nick: Nothing brightens up a rainy day like a Scotch tasting, guys.
Winston: It’s not raining today. It hasn’t rained in months.
Nick: Shhhhh, don’t ruin the moment.
Winston: There’s actually a huge forest fire. Dude, you should turn on the news.
Nick: This is a 15-year-old French-oak reserve.
Schmidt: A note of cedar, vanilla, tabacky…
Schmidt: …hunting, fishing, shooting, fatherhood, bonding, sadness… [looks down wistfully, whispers] please don’t leave me!
A Nick joke you sporty folk probably get…
“This moment is so chill and absent of drama, I want to call it Tim Duncan.”
A joke (entertainment) journalists definitely get…
Jess: Anti-future? Who’s anti-future?!
Biology Teacher: I don’t know… the Amish, the dying, the television industry, print media, the record industry, the railroad industry, karaoke machine owners…
Jess takes a typically rosy view of Boogie Nights…
“They’re pornographers… but they’re also a family.”
Jess: Don’t be hard on Nick. He has a non-traditional career.
Nick: Or maybe it’s the most traditional. I may be thinking of prostitution.
Snippets from Schmidt’s Tree-Sellin’ Days
Philosophy: “When you’re buying Christmas trees, you’re really buying sex.”
Pitch: “Have you always been short? I’ve always been fat. But who cares how God made you? Don’t let him put you in a skin box. At the end of the day, I’m just a fat guy standing here in front of a short guy telling him that [meaningful pause] I think we’ve found his tree.”
Schmidt: In the words of the late, great Sir Billy Joel–
Jess: Billy Joel is definitely alive, and he’s definitely not a knight.
Schmidt: –”The good, they do die young.”