Need I remind you, Seinfeld lovers? Festivus is your heritage. It’s part of who you are. It’s December 23rd — time to go dig the bare aluminum pole out of the crawl space and air your grievances to family and friends before challenging them to the Feats of Strength tonight!
Relive Frank Costanza’s holiday tradition and help me RAIN BLOWS against all of the parties who have wronged us this year, below.
Today I issue grievances against the following:
Ben and Jerry’s Festivus-flavored ice cream for no longer existing.
The word “chihuahua” for being something I will always have to look up.
Dancing With the Stars for forcing me to finally learn what the fox says.
E!’s Live on the Red Carpet Mani-Gram — changing the name didn’t help! We all know it’s still the ManiCam!
iOS 7 for making texts look so much less friendly now.
The Internet for devouring the best years of my life.
The chilling dread of live TV.
Victoria’s Secret’s constant deluge of sale emails, every deletion of which feels like I’m giving up. But I’m not!!
Grand Theft Auto for its absolutely thrilling shopping simulations that do not translate to real life.
People who bring pets on planes. This isn’t, like, your van. Figure something else out.
Scarlett’s weave on Nashville: You have tried to choke me to death one too many times in my nightmares and I will not stand for it.
Miley Cyrus, for tainting marijuana like that.
David Blaine, just because.
Jon Hamm and Alec Baldwin, for not already being hard at work on a new Salt-N-Pepa reality series.
Raw Vegans: You’re annoying.
Finally, BRING ME THE HEAD of the person who crowned Michael Bublé ‘The King of Cool’!
Wow. This list is by no means complete, and here I thought I’d had a pretty low-raging year!
Air your grievances here. The dumber the better!