'2 Broke Girls' season premiere: The 10 dirtiest jokes from the 'soft opening'

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Image Credit: Monty Brinton/CBS

Here is how showrunner Michael Patrick King describes 2 Broke Girls: “Under all those caustic put- downs and edgy dirty jokes, 2 Broke Girls is really a show about two girls with a dream: Max and Caroline, two girls from completely different backgrounds who have found a way to make the hard reality of being broke a little softer by being there for each other.”

Here is how I describe 2 Broke Girls: In the climax of tonight’s third season premiere, a homeless man forcibly sprays fresh urine all over one of the girls’ hair.

So yeah — two years later, this series is still proudly aiming for the lowest common denominator. (Remember when we believed things could be different someday?) How low, you ask? Allow me to answer with a list of the episode’s raunchiest groaners — sorry, awesomest edgy gags. Accent on the “gag.” [Pause for laughter]

10. Max, going over some of the summer’s biggest news headlines: “Paula Deen is out, gay marriage is in, and a teacher in California’s out for letting her students get it in.”

9. And again: “Oprah gave Lindsay $2 million, cunnilingus gave Michael Douglas throat cancer, and Michael Douglas gave guys everywhere another excuse not to do that.”

8. Caroline, refusing to accept a peace offering from Han: “I’m not as easy as Max.”
Max: “Said every girl in my 7th grade class.”

7. Caroline, concerned about a customer at their late-night cupcake window: “He’s really out of it. What is he on?”
Max: “Besides me later?”

6. Caroline, asking why Oleg’s hauling around a piece of their old cupcake shop: “I thought you said that was hung.”
Oleg: “No, I said I was hung.”

5. Han, being lifted in the air by an angry crowd: “No, stop, that’s my wallet! No, stop — [much deeper voice] that’s not my wallet.”

4. Caroline: “A black American Express card? I haven’t held a black one in my hands in years!”
Max: “I would have guessed you hadn’t held a black one in your hand ever.”

3. Caroline: “We have no big expectations about the opening tonight. It’s a soft opening.”
Han: “What’s the difference between a soft one and a hard one?”
Oleg: “You want me to show him? ….It won’t take a minute. Just so you know, I’m already there.”

2. Sophie, trying to attract customers on the cupcake window’s first night: “Come over here and eat something from the girls’ soft opening!”

1. [Han lets out a howl]
Max: “What? I didn’t do anything.”
Oleg: “It was me. He now knows what hard is.”

There you have it: 2 Broke Girls in a nutshell. [Pause for more laughter, provoked by the word "nut."] Were you there for the girls’ soft opening tonight? If so, was it good for you — and can you please tell me why all the dead rock star’s fans were patchouli-soaked hippies?

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