Are you looking for someone to share your life with? Do you pepper every other sentence with the words “journey,” “amazing” and “right reasons”? Are your eggs rotting? Then listen up: As you may have heard, rose lovers, Juan Pablo — the sexy, soft-spoken former soccer player whom Desiree dumped on The Bachelorette — will be the star of season 18 of The Bachelor beginning this January. For some of us, this news is bittersweet, as we may already be happily married with a child and therefore theoretically ineligible to compete for Juan Pabs’ heart. But for all the single “ladies” out there, this is your moment. ABC has just released an official casting announcement that also doubles as a fantastic work of comedy writing. Read on for the casting call, as well as our in-depth analysis:
MEET THE NEW BACHELOR JUAN PABLO!
Congrats to Juan Pablo on being named the new Bachelor! And good news, ladies: The search continues for America’s most eligible women, as the popular relationship show preparing for its 18th season!
Do you have the charm, style, class and charisma to become America’s next leading lady? Do you want to meet Juan Pablo for all the right reasons? Are you dreaming of being the last woman standing at the most. dramatic. rose. ceremony. ever?
When you’re ready, apply online to be on the next season of The Bachelor — or nominate someone today by visiting http://thebachelor.tv and submitting an application or nomination form.
I love so many things about this blurb, it’s hard to know where to begin. First off, ABC must have felt that getting the word out to Juan Pablo’s potential wives was just so incredibly urgent that there was simply no time for proofreading, damnit — hence the “as the popular relationship show preparing for” typo. Also, let’s take a few moments to break down the qualifications ABC has outlined for any woman seeking to enter Casa Bachelor:
1) “Charm.” You know, like this.
3) “Class.” I think we can thank Stacey from Matt Grant’s season for this job requirement.
4) “Charisma.” Please see exhibit A, Jason Mesnick’s conversation with Natalie on their date in Las Vegas, January 19, 2009:
Natalie: ”I love bears.”
Jason: [Pause] ”Like, just, like, like, koala bears, panda bears?”
Natalie: ”No, all bears.”
Clearly, the bar is high. Not just anyone can demean an entire gender on national television. Thinking of applying? I highly recommend you watch this tutorial from MTV’s Nikki and Sara first. Otherwise, rose lovers, let me know your thoughts on Juan Pablo below. Good choice? Bad choice? The only choice? I think you know where I land on this topic.