New York’s hottest club is: Mmhmmm
Description: Opened in 2010, this active crime scene is the creation of lazily named drag queen Melvin in a Dress.
This place has everything: Stickballs, pickpockets, Cookie Crisp.
Look who’s at the bar — is that Kate Moss? No — it’s a Pakistani family that cuts in line at Universal Studios.
New York’s hottest club is: [quacks like a duck]
Description: Located in a haunted synagogue, this Upper-Lower-Side hot spot is the creation of Italian reggae singer Rasta Primavera.
This place has everything: Brooms, scrunchies, screwheads, a shaved lion that looks like Mario Batali. And make sure to be there this Friday, because the first hundred people through the door will win human fire extinguishers.
Human fire extinguishers? It’s that thing of when a thin midget paints himself red and then chews Alka-Seltzer until foam shoots out his mouth
New York’s hottest club is: Heeyyyyy!
Description: Built from the bucket list of a dying pervert, this Battery Park bitch parade is now managed by overweight game show host Fat Sajak.
This place has everything: Tweekers, skeevies, Spud Webb, a child, and a Russian guy who runs on a treadmill in a Cosby sweater.
Bonus: The bouncer’s a bulldog who looks like Wilford Brimley, and the password is “dia-beat-us!”
New York’s hottest club is: [bleats like a sheep]
Description: Opening condemned in 1904, this seasonal psycho ward is the creation of Hanukkah cartoon character Menorah the Explorer.
This place has everything: Kiwis, Spud Webb, the Cleo Awards, some guy’s mom, plus a special showing of the African holiday classic A Fish Called Kwaanza.
And look who just walked in! It’s a lady who works at CVS, but do not bother her because she is on break.
Bonus: All the proceeds go to flaccid outreach group Doctors Without Boners.
New York’s hottest club is: Thank You!
Description: Located inside a crashing blimp, this Eurotrash utopia is the creation of beatnik doctor Soul Patch Adams.
This place has everything: Zip lines, fish food, that fat Hawaiian guy that no one invited, an old Pakistani woman that looks like a California Raisin.
Bonus: This weekend, they’re having a tournament of everybody’s favorite trivia game, “Shaun White or Bonnie Raitt?” Look closely — the answer may surprise you.
New York’s hottest club is: [looks around, furrows brow] Kevin?
Description: Opened at gunpoint in a Lady Footlocker, this Long Island cold spot is managed by infamous gay running back Blowjay Simpson.
This place has everything: Soda, purple stuff, Sunny D, a VIP room for football jellyfish.
Football jellyfish? It’s that thing when NFL players have the helmet, but with skinny dreads hanging out.
Bonus: The bouncer’s a Greek boy who looks like Marv Albert, and the password is [in a different voice] YES!
New York’s hottest club is: [in an exaggerated Irish accent] Wee Little Baby
Description: Opened in 1709 by black Irish comedian Sinbad O’Connor, this lunatic landmark earned the Health Department’s first-ever “J” rating.
This place has everything: Freckles, potato people, a room full of Heprechauns.
Heprechaun? Leprechauns with Hep C.
Bonus: Hit the dance floor with a group of Hoombas!
Hoombas? Human Roombas. It’s that thing of when you put a midget on a skateboard and it slides around on your floor eating garbage. [This line, by the way, may have made Hader laugh harder than any other Stefon joke.]
New York’s hottest club is: Scampi
Description: Illegally parked behind the Statue of Liberty, this hate-speech haven is a creation of frat boy guru D-Bag Chopra.
This place has everything: Zip drives, gozers, Ke$ha.
Guess who may drop by! Is it Ryan Seacrest? No — it’s a drowned albino who looks like Axl Rose.
Bonus: For the kids, there’s a special workshop where you can build a bear… but not the kind you think.
Extra bonus: A VIP section filled with Furtlenecks.
Furtlenecks? It’s that thing of when like, fat guys have a beard, but only on their chin roll. And they have a pack of roaming draggers.
Roaming draggers? It’s that thing of when an old dog has short legs but a long penis.
NEXT: “Donald Duck having a Vietnam nightmare”