Still swathed in fabric from the marital altar, Jess tried to break the tension by shouting out, “Always a bridesmaid!” But jokes and placations were irrelevant to Cece, who took it as a sign the ceremony had stopped just before she and Shivrang completed their seventh circle around the ceremonial fire that made them officially married. Indeed, the jolt was exactly what Cece needed to finally admit she was in love with someone else (though she made sure to state clearly that all Schminston’s stupid pranks had no impact on her choice to call off the wedding). Shivrang followed suit, revealing he also wanted to be with someone else. Enter Elaine (Taylor Swift). They spewed out their love for each other, their dreams to have tiny children with careers in useless artsy professions, then “Shivvy” swept Elaine off her feet, and they absconded to Vegas to elope. Oh, and someone presumably found Bucky skittering around in aisle nine, if Winston’s eagle-eyed directions were any indication..
After the guests departed, Elizabeth went to town on Schmidt for sabotaging Cece’s wedding. She wasn’t stupid, and his insistence he would have done the same for any friend fell flat (and I won’t even mention how he offered to sabotage Cece’s tax audit). Cece walked up, awkwardly breaking the ice with a “Weird day, huh?” Elizabeth wasted no time in forcing Cece to admit the guy she was talking about on the altar was Schmidt. Cece conceded, at which point they both turned on Schmidt. Who would he choose? Schmidt asked, gobsmacked, “We’re gonna do this now? Can we sleep on it, maybe? Take the night? I just got this brand new Coldplay bootleg — Live from Rotterdam. What if we just make some pasta and really listen to it?” As his two loves glared at him, clearly not down to hear the umpteenth version of “The Scientist,” he got the look of a caged badger. And then he fled. Literally, just hot-footed it outta there. To quote Strictly Ballroom, “That was unexpected.”
Elsewhere, Jess and Nick finished their heart-to-heart. He said sadly, “I think we should call it. It’s not like we’re in love or anything. We had one night.” His voice broke a little at this, and Jess agreed to abandon a potential relationship. But, as she walked off, she was barely able to hold back her tears. Nick fell back on his default defense mechanism and headed to the bar. Winston crashed through an air vent and joined him there. And, though Winston was badly bitten by Bucky, he had plenty of insight. He pointed out that Nick was doing exactly what Walt would have done by getting drunk and running away from his problems. He urged Nick not to let this one go, and Nick headed outside as Winston said coolly, “Hey bartender, can you call an ambulance? I’m about to bleed out. Thanks, man.”
Nick found Jess in tears. She told him she didn’t want to give up that they should “un-call it” and “Before you say no… don’t say no.” He didn’t have to say anything. All he needed to do was walk over and kiss her and hug her. It was a beautiful moment, complete with a giggle from Jess that showed how their transition from friends to roommates might be dramatic at times, but it still had an ease to it that is what real couples hope to have even a little bit.
Nick asked Jess for her keys. Jess wondered where they were going. He said he didn’t know — “Where do we come from? Where do we go?” Yes, he was quoting “Cotton Eye Joe.” As she laughed some more and got in the car, he did a hilariously inept slide over her hood before getting in the car and driving them off into… well… not exactly the sunset. And this is where I turn not to Rednex but to The Vaccines, whose “I Always Knew” closed out the season with these words: “So let’s go to bed before you say something real. Let’s go to bed before you say how you feel. ‘Cause it’s you, oh, it’s always you. Oh, I always knew, oh, it’s you.”
So, Newbies, how did it all shake out for you? Are you bummed Schmidt abandoned Cece now that they’re finally on the same page? Or have you changed your alliance to Team Elizabeth? If he survives, is Winston your new favorite character? What do you think the future holds for Nick and Jess? What else do you want to see in season 3? And will you be humming “Cotton Eye Joe” all the live-long week?
NEXT: A little ditty about Shivvy and Elaine