With the exception of Schmidt’s ex-girlfriend, almost nobody got what they wanted tonight, Newbies. I personally could have done with a little bit more Alfredo, but we can’t have it all, can we? That seems to be the overarching message as the season winds down. That and the fact that what we want is not always right for us. This notion came starkly into play as Cece continued to force a marriage to Shivrang — a man whose name she doesn’t even know how to pronounce. Indeed, Cece’s butchering of her fiancé’s name was just one of the things that went wrong during a surprise bachelorette party thrown by Jess. Others included the dissemination of a picture of Nick’s penis, Winston’s overzealous attitude toward a kidnapping scheme, and Schmidt’s spitefully foolhardy attempt to make Cece jealous by lining up a date to Cece’s wedding. So let’s begin, shall we?
Before news of the nuptials had reached the loft, Nick was lording his “dead dad card” over the roommates by wearing one of Walt’s tracksuits (this one in a particularly horrific shade of marigold), washing his feet in the kitchen sink, and tap dancing — or at least that’s what he was calling his ungainly flailing. Schmidt, dressed in his own workout gear for a booty burn boot camp class, took issue with Nick’s duds, and the guys started to squabble.
Winston broke up the fracas by arriving in with a fancy invitation. He hoped he’d be able to check “gala event” off his bucket list, but it was only Cece’s wedding — set for three weeks later. Jess was startled by the haste, but Schmidt focused his complex feelings on anger that Cece hadn’t allowed for him to bring a date. “You can’t invite an ex to a wedding and not give him the dignity of consolation sex. Girl better recognize: Schmidt-y gonna go get his plus-one!”
And that would happen as Cece planned seating arrangements under the silent, judgmental watch of Shivrang’s female family members. Shiv took his bride-to-be aside for talk of their impending marital consummation, but Schmidt interrupted by banging on the door. Shivrang’s relatives spoke for their steamrolled boy, asking, “Who’s this?” Schmidt spat back, “I’m Gerard Depardieu. Who do you think I am, lady? I’m Schmidt!” Cece pulled Schmidt out of the room and quietly read him the riot act about everything from her budget to his not-a-relationship-guy ways. He shot back, “I can do anything I set my mind to. I once figured out Alyssa Milano’s phone number just by choosing random numbers.” And so the gauntlet was thrown: Schmidt would procure a serious girlfriend in three weeks’ time. He walked out, declaring, “Time to make some dreams come true.”
Back at the loft, Jess assumed Maid of Honor duties, even though Cece hadn’t technically asked her yet. The first duty was to planning Cece’s bachelorette party. Jess believed she knew exactly what Cece wanted because tween Cece had once told her she wanted “the dirtiest bachelorette party of all time… strippers and a mechanical bull and balloons in the shape of ding-dongs. And I want to wear the kind of underwear that goes between your cheeks!” Cut back to the present, when Jess told Nick and Winston, “The only males invited are strippers, so oil up or get out, guys!” They barely had a chance to stir, though, before she enlisted them to help her by kidnapping Shivrang. Winston was a little too excited, wondering if Jess’s plan allowed them room to “roughhouse him a little bit — drop him in the desert ’til he don’t breathe no more.” (Looks like someone spent a little too much time in the clubs with Latvian gangsters.)
NEXT: Ding dongs