Before their B&E mission, Jess and “Julius” designated a safe word: Apricot. Jess objected, saying she used that word too much in her day-to-day life (“What am I supposed to call them? Sweet tangy balls?”), but her alternative — “dragon slippers” — was rejected, so the first choice stuck. They exited the car, and you know the tense, thrilling, climactic sequence in Zero Dark Thirty? Yeah… it was NOTHING like that.
They bungled around, making lots of not-a-thing SWAT signals, and even more noise. They were nearly caught by Edgar’s mother before Edgar rolled up in his Painless Plumbing van and dragged what appeared to be a corpse out of the back and into a tool shed. As they crept up to peer in, Jess’s phone went off with a ring tone of The Pointer Sisters’ “I’m So Excited.” (I’m not entirely sure I buy that selection, but whatevs.) After spending about 30 seconds making it as obvious as possible they were “sneaking” around, they made a run for it — or a dive in the case of Jess, who unnecessarily army-crawled under Edgar’s van on the way out.
The next day, Nick returned to Edgar’s shed and tried to climb a tractor tire to reach a high window. Only after the tire rolled out from under him and knocked over a ladder did he realize there might be an easier way. He was halfway into the tiny window when he spotted a virtual murder shrine filled with pictures of a woman who looked a lot like Jess (including “kind of sexy” googly eyes) — not to mention another rendition of the bleeding-to-death, bang-sporting doe. Ladies and gentleman, I give you Exhibit D:
Nick called Jess, who was finally convinced of Edgar’s murderous intent. At which point he showed up for office hours. She screamed “Apricot!” into her phone half a dozen times in hopes that Nick would come rescue her. Instead, he kicked the ladder away, dropped his phone, and got wedged in the window like a fat hound in a doggy door. Edgar sat down to tell Jess the “risky,” deadly ending of his story. She babbled through her panic and clutched a pencil for defense. Nick managed to free himself and call her. When Edgar heard “I’m So Excited,” he fled. Jess told Nick “Apricots” was gone, and Nick was midway through a promise to protect her when Edgar’s mother clocked him over the head with a frying pan.
Of course it was all a misunderstanding — Edgar’s mother thought Nick was a burglar. They were ironing it out when Jess came barreling into the shed, jumped on Edgar, and got a face full o’ pepper
wood spray. But what about all those drawings? Edgar explained they were sketches for his graphic novel, and he had based them on his own life just as Jess had taught him. (Their eyes were so beady because he’d always had trouble drawing eyes.) In fact, the most contentious moment came when Jess asked about the duffel bag. They both screamed, “Don’t ask about the duffel bag!” Added Mama Edgar, “…bitch.” They all had their come-to-Jesus moment, and Jess said sweetly, “Your son’s a really great writer.” Ah, but there’s a twist! She wasn’t Edgar’s mother — she was his lovahhhhh. Who smelled like waffles. And the duffel bag? It was apparently involved in their sex life — though I’d have to get Julius Pepperwood on the case to confirm that.
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