'New Girl': Nickels & Dimed

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Despite Walt’s spotty track record as a father, Winston defended him unfailingly, even wearing a misprinted Chicago Bulls hat (see Dotables) that “Pop-Pop” gave him probably 20 years ago — most likely after a load of these hats “fell off a truck” somewhere between Chicago and Champaign-Urbana. Back in the present, Nick was angry-fixing the sink in a misguided effort to smooth over his father-inspired trust and anger issues, and to bring down “blood pressure of a hummingbird.” It didn’t work. Nor, later that night, did Walt’s raucous retelling of how Nick got the nickname “Little Penis.” Short story shorter, it involved a tick on Lil’ Nicky’s winky, and… that’s it? Basically, Walt’s just really good at making Nick feel bad about himself.

But back to how this all led to a trip to the race track. It all began because Walt lied to Jess that he wanted a second chance. Since second chances are Jess’s “favorite kind of chance” and since she genuinely believed she could force father and son to mend their relationship with a heart-to-heart, she dragged Nick along. Of course, her feeble scheming only facilitated Walt’s shady scumbaggery. He wanted to buy a horse to sell its semen to Dubai, as you do. So he convinced Jess that Nick’s one childhood dream was to own a steed. Acknowledging that Nick “hates living things,” she nevertheless went with it.

After a pathetic farce in which she pretended to be a veterinary student (diagnosis: “I’m seeing a lot of split ends; the mane is totally cut in the wrong shape for his face”), Jess found herself $500 poorer and in a dark parking lot with the Miller men. Nick began to sweat profusely and bumble like an idiot at the sight of Walt’s “business associates.” Fearing they might be a cop, they ordered him to take off his pants. (There was also leprechaun-like dancing, though I’m still not certain why.) Amid all this hubbub, Nick admitted he was sweating because he was lying. One of the thugs whipped out a crowbar, but Nick saved the day by falling back on an old childhood tactic he used to employ to scare off men threatening Walt (see Dotables). The semen bandits fled into the night. Needless to say, these shenanigans were a real deal breaker for Nick, too. Instead of simply apologizing, Walt offered Nick his own pants. Nick didn’t want them, so they ended the night, both pantsless and watching Jess try pitifully to steer a horse trailer out of the lot.

The next morning, Walt predictably flaked on Nick, which motivated Jess to anger-fix the sink just as Nick had — though her version of “fixing” things mainly involved weakly flopping around a mallet. Having seen Walt for a scam artist, Jess commended Nick for not being more of a mess. Nick admitted he kept a lot of his dysfunction to himself (ex. “I haven’t done laundry in five months. I’m not wearing underwear, just a big sock — a big sock [wink]”). And then there were two. And I’m not talking about Nick and Jess. I’m talking about the con artist power couple of my dreams: Walt Miller and Karen Walker’s mother Lois. Together, they’d be unstoppable.

NEXT: Speaking of power couples…

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