Rounding up the rear, Nick developed a crush on a whiskey-swilling regular he’d nicknamed “Thirsty Mendelsohn” (Munn). Encouraged solely by his completely fabricated fantasy of her, he decided they were perfect for each other: “She’s surly like I’m surly… she rolls her eyes at everybody like I roll my eyes… she likes to drink in the afternoon, and I like to drink in the afternoon….” I’m pretty sure Nick just described everyone I know.
More than that, though, Nick’s hesitated to hit on Thirsty because it involved breaking “the first rule of bartending.” To talk to her, he’d have to cross the bar. From experience, Nick knew crossing this line could lead to messy situations like breaking up fights between girls wearing unsupportive bras and/or searching for ferret ladies named Rhonda. Still, when he saw Thirsty’s skinhead, tat-covered boyfriend storm out after a fight, Nick decided to make his move. A rather idiotic move if you ask me considering how Thirsty’s boyfriend was basically one neck swastika away from a prison gang. Predictably, Nick’s approach moved from one verbal misstep (“you’re a whiskey girl — like me!”) to another (“I have a drinking thing”), but Thirsty didn’t care. She was there for the free hooch. Not, as Nick suspect, the unlimited access to pistachios.
Nick and Thirsty got good and sozzled to the point where Nick told her to dump her boyfriend. Shortly thereafter, the lout barreled into the bar to beat the snot out of Nick. Thirsty pre-empted the beatdown by clocking her boyfriend with a napkin holder, then told Nick she had a coworker who could stitch him up. Cut to a strip bar. The coworker was a heavyset thug carrying a dirty mop, Thirsty revealed unapologetically that she was a stripper, and Nick was in over his head. But that wasn’t the only thing over his head — eventually, a threeway catfight left Nick with a set of fake knockers on his face.
The next day, Thirsty returned to the bar. Nick started to explain his rules. She countered, “I don’t have any rules,” then slide over the bar to plant a surprisingly hot kiss on him — which was only slightly diminished when Nick spotted grizzled barfly Sid was caressing Thirsty’s back. After Sid disengaged, Nick and and his new new girl recommenced making out. Whether she’s a dessert person… well, we’ll just have to wait and see.
NEXT: If summer were a condom, what would it taste like? Schmidt knows!