'Twilight' is a marathon, not a sprint

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1:50 p.m.: I spot a girl in red contacts, vampire teeth, and a wolf hat. She is my hero.

1:51 p.m.: My hero’s name is Ashley Barreto, and she’s 20. She and friends Sara Sanchez, 21, and Jessica Hall, 19, have made a tradition of seeing all the Twilight premiere together. Hall wears a T-shirt emblazoned with the wolf pack tattoo from New Moon (her favorite). She admits watching with a crowd changed her perception of the first film: “I never thought it was a comedy. All the times I watched it at home, I never laughed as hard as I did today.” Presumably some of this laughter wasn’t ironic.

2:00 p.m.: Theater attendants appear to host a trivia contest. Our grand prize? A bookmark! They promise there will be more prizes.

2:03 p.m.: In the next pre-show stroll down memory, Jackson Rathbone recalls the “puffy wig” he had to wear in the series’ second installment, compares it to a “dead cat.” Judge for yourself.

2:05 p.m.: New Moon, y’all. Fortified by movie theater popcorn, I am ready to get 50 shades of emo.

2:23 p.m.: Choice clunky dialogue — “You won’t like me when I look like a grandma.”

2:42 p.m.: Trend watch — evil vamps in the Twili-verse all have long, stringy hair. Is denouncing evil the proper conditioner true face of evil?

3:05 p.m.: First Taylor Lautner ab sighting! The audience is instantly reduced to teenage girl tittering.

3:35 p.m.: Second Taylor Lautner ab sighting! Ding dong, the wig is dead!

4:20 p.m.: Kiss count for New Moon rises to 5.5 (Jacob and Bella’s lips touched once), which means there were more kisses than shirts worn by both Pattinson and Lautner in the entire movie. I like them odds.

4:25 p.m.: I learn that the 10 p.m. screening of Breaking Dawn — Part 2 is spread over five theaters and panic that I won’t be able to connect with my Sparkles and the City posse. After five solid hours of internal snarking, I’ll need back-up soon.

4:33 p.m.: Edward loyalist Rachel Ikie, 20, has invited forced her 17-year-old brother to join her at the marathon. He’s still in good spirits after two films, especially since Eclipse — his favorite of the films — is up next. He says he hasn’t seen Breaking Dawn — Part 1, and I worry that seeing those honeymoon scenes for the first time will lead to a seriously uncomfortable brother-sister bonding moment.

4:41 p.m.: Trivia folks are back, and the natives are getting restless, demanding new questions when no one has the correct answer. I’m pretty sure that’s not how this works. Then again, the prize isBreaking Dawn — Part 2 calendar. It’s the gift that keeps on giving!

4:45 p.m.: Excitement grows palpably as Eclipse begins.

5:18 p.m.: Well into the third film of the day, it’s safe to declare that, Team Edward and Team Jacob aside, everyone is Team Charlie. Billy Burke gets a laugh (and even a few tears) every time he appears on screen.

5:36 p.m.: Remembering Kristen Stewart’s awful punk rock hair while shooting Eclipse, I’m pretty sure Bella’s wig is a not-well-maintained hand-me-down from Jacob in the first two movies.

6:05 p.m.: Edward proposes. Sniffles staccato the air.

6:09 p.m.: We have continuously seen the wolves’ clothes bursting into a confetti-like explosion when they phase, and yet they always have on at least pants when they phase back into their human forms. Are there random pairs of cut-offs scattered all around Forks?

6:25 p.m.: Victoria is no-more-ia. Random Twihard dude outburst — “Take that, b—-!”

6:46 p.m.: With the end of Eclipse, the kiss count rises to 13 in one film. Even Jasper got his fair share of action — though the kiss that motivated Bella to punch Jacob in the face (and break her hand in doing so) was the hands-down crowd favorite.

7:23 p.m.: With five hours and diminishing provisions left, I dash off a desperate e-mail to friends attending the 10 p.m. screening the gist of which is, “Please. Bring. Food. Anything. Please.”

7:24 p.m.: Realize that missive should have also included “And. Wine.”

7:25 p.m.: Fatigue sets in throughout the theater. Do we really have to wait two more hours for sparklevamp Bella?

7:30 p.m.: It is getting real in this trivia contest. Am considering grabbing the plastic fork I brought for protection if another tough question inspires a riot. Luckily the question of who sired Jasper prompts this mood-lightening answer — “The Spanish girl and the two white chicks!”

NEXT: Hitting the homestretch…

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