When reality stars sing, the results can be totally inoffensive (Brooke Hogan’s career) or surprisingly decent (Paris Hilton’s “Stars Are Blind” — seriously, it’s like a watered-down “Underneath It All”! In a good way!). More often, though, their songs are auto-tuned nightmares and tone-deaf raps, music that makes you yearn for a sweet shot of Adele to take the pain away.
In that vein, I offer up Teen Mom Farrah Abraham’s new single. Is it the worst piece of “music” in recorded history? It’s possible — though Abraham’s got some serious competition from other misguided reality crooners. Let’s survey the candidates, then decide which is the most rotten apple at the very bottom of the barrel:
Farrah Abraham (Teen Mom), “Getting Up from Rock Bottom”
The Lowdown: Knowing that this 21-year-old mother has endured substance abuse, depression, and her boyfriend’s death might make you feel bad about crapping all over her musical venture. But when a song is this dismal, it’s tough to practice the golden rule. Be sure to turn your speakers down before hitting “Play” on the linked SoundCloud file, unless you’d like to suffer from Pounding Eardrum Syndrome.
Worst Lyrics: Vocal effects are applied so thickly that you can’t really understand a word Abraham is yelping. Blessing in disguise?
Spencer Pratt (The Hills), “I’m a Celebrity”
The Lowdown: No, Spencer, you’re not. Compared to this lame rap, Heidi Montag’s album Superficial might as well be Rubber Soul.
Worst Lyrics: “I’m on your iPhones / Taking over BlackBerries / Me not famous? / Whoa, that’s scary!”
Kim Kardashian (Keeping Up With the Kardashians), “Jam (Turn It Up)”
The Lowdown: Even current boyfriend Kanye West wouldn’t have been able to save this monotonous dance track, which sounds like a single by a grown-up Rebecca Black who was sent back from the future to destroy all joy.
Worst Lyrics: “Got my hands up, celebrate like it’s my birthday / Five more shots of tequila, I’m thirsty”
Michaele Salahi (Real Housewives of DC), “Bump It”
The Lowdown: Other Housewives singles aren’t without their charms — Kim Zolciak’s “Don’t Be Tardy for the Party” is incredibly catchy, and both of Countess Luann’s releases are studded with lyrical gems that more than compensate for her weak voice. (Example: “And Alex, and Simon / And I’ll bring the diamonds.”) But the onetime White House Crasher’s club tune doesn’t deserve good-bad status — it’s just bad-bad.
Worst Lyrics: “Will someone please hurry up and dance with me?/Will someone please hurry up and dance with me?/Because I’m alone on the dance floor”
NEXT: Lowlights from Paris Hilton, Kevin Federline, and The Situation