Classic literature gets sexed up: 'Hands on yonder branch!'

CLANDESTINE-CLASSICS

Jane Austen and zombies? Over. Now, thanks to 50 Shades of Grey, it’s Jane Austen and steamy sex scenes. Total-E-Bound Publishing has introduced Clandestine Classics, a collection of novels that have been raised — or lowered? — to guilty pleasure status. Allow us to quote from some of the descriptions:

Pride & Prejudice: “Electrifying sexual tension soon leads to an unexpected kiss and Elizabeth’s world is turned upside down.” You can do better. That doesn’t do the excerpt justice.

Jane Eyre: “He demands her abject surrender. In his strong and athletic arms, Jane submits to his darkest desires and discovers hers are every bit as searing, plunging her into a world she never suspected and never wants to escape.” There it is! Excerpt we can print: “Hands on yonder branch!” 

Northanger Abbey: “As the days pass Henry introduces her to a whole new world of eroticism, a world beyond her imaginings. A world where sex knows no boundaries and even her deepest, most secret fantasies, can be played out behind closed doors.” Sounding like more of the same.

Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea: “The hunt soon becomes tedious, and Pierre is distracted by Ned Land, a sexy and temperamental harpooner who has his sights set on the Professor. The two begin a passionate affair, but an encounter with the creature they seek changes everything.” Now that’s different!

Sherlock Holmes: A Study in Scarlet: “Along with Holmes, Watson throws himself into finding the killer, but also finds himself. As Watson reveals more of his desires to his lover, Holmes does his utmost to make sure those desires are met. In a heady time where Watson is thrust into a horrifying murder case, the love he feels for Holmes, and the sexual experiences they share, help him to remain level-headed until the killer is caught.” So, so heady.


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