So Lando Calrissian is throwing one of his famous dance parties in the carbonite sewers of Cloud City, which I guess is the rough equivalent of a rich Manhattan socialite hosting a chicly unchic party in outer Brooklyn. Stormtroopers are dancing. My boy Lobot is spinning the discs. “Cloud City’s always lookin’ for new talent,” says Calrissian, who is a club promoter in his spare time. “You think you have what it takes?” At that point, Han Solo emerges from the carbonite container and starts dancing. And the song he’s dancing to is called “I’m Han Solo,” a reinterpretation of Jason Derulo’s “Ridin’ Solo,” which sampled the Verve’s “Bitter Sweet Symphony,” which sampled an orchestral recording of the Rolling Stones’ “One Last Time.” While Han Solo is dancing — his moves include “The Trash Compactor,” the “Not a Scratch,” and the “Falcon in Flight” — here are the lyrics that fake Derulo (or maybe real Derulo?) sings:
I’m pickin’ up my blaster
Put it on my side,
I’m jumpin’ in my Falcon
Wookiee at my side
I’m Solo, Han Solo
I’m Han Solo
I’m Han Solo, Solo.
And then, just when you think this fever dream cannot possibly become more insane, Lando Calrissian decides to show up Solo by dancing to the same song…while wearing a cape.
This is not a fake thing. This is something that has happened in pop culture. This is part of Kinect Star Wars, a game released on Tuesday to roundly horrible reviews. It’s a Star Wars product which everyone agrees is the worst new Star Wars product until the next Star Wars product. The game sounds terrible…except for the dancing. Besides the Cloud City Han Solo/Lando Calrissian face-off, the game also features Boba Fett and a back-up crew of stormtroopers dancing to a reimagined “YMCA” — the new title is “Empire Today.” Even better, though, is the dance sequence “Princess in a Battle,” a remake of Christina Aguilera’s “Genie in a Bottle,” featuring Slave Leia and a Twi’lek dance crew dancing for the amusement of Jabba the Hutt, and dear sweet holy Jesus, I couldn’t make up these lyrics if I tried:
The wookiee’s sayin’ ‘Let’s go,’
But my heart is sayin’ no.
If you wanna be with me
Solo, there’s a price to pay
I’m a princess in a battle
You gotta join the Rebel Way.
People, Jabba the Hutt is seat-dancing while he watches this.
This is too much. This is not enough. This is the moment when pop culture simultaneously implodes and explodes, and I love it. There are already people who are decrying the ridiculous nature of this dance mini-game as yet more evidence that George Lucas will not rest until he forces us to watch while he travels back in time to destroy all of our childhoods.
To those people, I would simply say: Lobot, spin that funky s—! This game has officially robbed the Star Wars franchise of what little dignity it had left, and I couldn’t be happier. Dignity is so boring. Can they hire Katy Perry to craft a techno-remix of the “Yub Yub” song? Is there a place for Ke$ha in the Max Rebo band? If you’re going to ceaselessly bleed dry a beloved franchise for decades after its cultural relevance is gone, and the only options for said bloodletting are A. Make turgid half-baked points about totalitarianism, or B. Make Slave Leia dance to “Hollaback Girl,” but rename it “Hologram Girl” — well, I’ll choose option B, please!
Follow Darren on Twitter: @EWDarrenFranich
Read More from EW:
Is ‘The Phantom Menace’ really as bad as we remember? Yes, absolutely, yes.
How ‘Star Wars’ changed my life: George Lucas taught me to love pop culture. He also taught me to be skeptical.
How ‘The Phantom Menace’ influenced blockbuster special effects, despite everyone pretending not to notice
‘Star Wars: Scoundrels’: New Timothy Zahn novel features Han, Chewie, and Lando — EXCLUSIVE FIRST LOOK