Kourtney Kardashian's horrible new mom vlog: Buy your toddler golden sneakers

On last night’s exciting season premiere of Kiki & Kronos Seize New Mexico, Kourtney Kardashian received an on-camera oil enema and then experienced on-camera bodily-fluid leakage. I forget why we’re talking about this. Oh yeah, Ms. Leakage is apparently hosting a weekly parenting vlog called “Kourtney’s Mommy Blog.” She’ll be sharing some of the wisdom she’s received from raising Mason, her lovable almost-two-year-old son with boyfriend Scott (who is the spawn of Satan). In the debut video, she shows off Mason’s closet. The kid has 12 pairs of shoes, which is exactly two more pairs than I have had my entire life. Kourtney proudly shows off Mason’s moccasins: “Every time he grows out, I get him a new batch.” Mason also has golden shoes. (An aside to all our pre-adolescent readers: Don’t you wish you had a cool mom like Kourtney? Oh, don’t worry about your education, the collapsing world economy and the rate of climate change will send the world hurtling into an apocalyptic tailspin long before you reach voting age.)

During the video, helpful hints pop up. For instance, did you know that “Kids are less likely to fuss if they’re wearing super-fun sunglasses?” Also, my favorite: “Don’t forget: Thin layers first, then heavier layers!” After I saw that hint, I suddenly pictured a young Kourtney Kardashian — say when she was 20 years old — trying to put on a thermal T-shirt after she’s already put on a huge fur parka, and she’s just so confused, and then suddenly a lightbulb goes off and she exclaims: “Eureka! Thin layers first, then heavier layers!” Science is the best thing ever.

Kourtney closes out her first Mommy Blog by noting the importance of shoes in adolescent fashion. “I’ve seen so many little boys,” she explains, “And their outfits are so cute.” Here, her voice shifts into a tense whisper: “And then their moms put, like, kind of dorky shoes on them.” What kind of psychotic mother would torment their poor innocent toddler by putting them in a cute outfit, only to gleefully force them to wear dorky shoes? We live in a nation of strangers. Watch the Mommy Blog below, why not:

Follow Darren on Twitter: @EWDarrenFranich

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