If I were “Invisible,” I would sneak into the taping of season 5 of Celebrity Apprentice. Because not only have Cheryl Tiegs and Marco Andretti signed on to star in the next season of Donald Trump’s hugest-show-in-television-history-no-it’s-not-oh-well-let’s-pretend-anyway, but Celebrity Apprentice has reportedly attracted four more cast members: Debbie Gibson (totally rad!), Teresa Giudice (table-flippin’ awesome!), Victoria Gotti (bada bing!), and Clay Aiken (holy argyle!).
As a former Claymate — I was excommunicated five years ago after informing a close friend that, despite her gut feeling to the contrary, she likely would not end up marrying the American Idol runner-up — I don’t think I could be more excited if you told me Aiken planned to dress in a pimp outfit, sing “Bridge Over Troubled Water,” and make me believe that it’s really 2003 again. Of course, as a former Claymate, I also understand that the news that Gibson and Giudice are also involved in Celebrity Apprentice is exciting to the 99 percent of you who don’t worship at the alter of a man who helped make flat-ironing mainstream in the early 2000s. So let’s attempt to determine who will be crowned Trump’s Biggest Ass Kisser of season 5 by examining the four new cast members’ strengths and weaknesses.
Strengths: Trump’s got such a nice yacht, it would really, really be a shame if he somehow fell off and found himself swimming with the fishes.
Weaknesses: Those hair extensions immediately transform her into Giudice bait.
Odds: 20 to 1
Strengths: You only need to look at her best-selling cookbook, kid’s clothing line, and multiple magazine covers to realize this New Jersey Housewife is frighteningly adept at selling herself. Plus, she and The Donald share an interest: prostitution-whores.
Weaknesses: Her unconventional hosting techniques might sour a charity event or ten.
Odds: 10 to 1
Strengths: She’s taken on Giant Octopus, Mega Shark, Mega Python, Gatoroid, and, most impressively, Tiffany. And anyone who survived the 1980s should be able to easily survive the boardroom. Also, this doesn’t hurt her chances with Trump.
Weaknesses: Controlling anger whenever anyone compliments her on “I Think We’re Alone Now.”
Odds: 5 to 1
Strengths: Simon Cowell’s heart grew three sizes the day he first met Aiken. Surely, Trump’s heart — or, at least, his hair — will do the same, right? And if Celebrity Apprentice‘s history has proven anything, it’s that well-intentioned singers always have the advantage. (See: Previous winners Bret Michaels and John Rich.) Also, thanks to a degree from the University of North Carolina, Aiken may be one of the only contestants with a resumé that expands beyond pulling out rich ladies’ hair.
Weaknesses: Leather. And Don McLean.
Odds: 2 to 1
What do you think, PopWatchers? Do any of these three possible contestants stand a chance to win?
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