The problem with modern action movies is not that they are stupider than vintage ’80s action movies, but rather, that they have become so bland, so milquetoast, so flavorless, the entire genre rendered insubstantial by the triple tidal wave of political correctness, the everybody-kinda-likes-vanilla method of winning over the global audience, and the brutal tyranny of the PG-13 rating. For truly, who among us doesn’t yearn for a more colorful time, when action heroes weren’t so emo, when the fate of the world wasn’t always at stake, and when a wild dude like Paul Verhoeven could introduce a three-breasted mutant prostitute into the hallowed history of cinema in the middle of Total Recall. But on that note, don’t despair, friends. Because today is a day for rejoicing: In a video interview with Collider, director Len Wiseman explicitly promises that there will be “a three-breasted woman” in his upcoming Total Recall remake, which will be PG-13. So instead of a prostitute, she will probably be a passionate social worker or perhaps a kooky city girl who’s successful in business but unlucky in love — waka waka Heigl Heigl — but the important thing is that Wiseman clearly states (around the 19 minute mark) that “you can’t make Total Recall without certain things,” which is true about three things in particular.
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