Little boys from the ’80s tend to cite Princess Leia and her gold bikini as the first time their prepubescent minds took notice of a girl, but if we’re being completely, embarrassingly honest — painfully so — we’ve got to admit that Smurfette captured our eyes too.
Now wait a second, no one’s saying a generation of little straight boys had the hots for Smurfette (and she has nothing on the Freudian psycho-sexuality of Leia chained to Jabba the Hutt’s slab), but come on — how could a boy NOT notice her? She was the only girl out of 100 little blue dudes, and unlike tough-as-nails Lady Jaye and crossbow-wielding Scarlett from G.I. Joe, Smurfette was not just pure testosterone with a ponytail and curves.
Click through to see the NEW Smurfette’s fashion spread in Harper’s Bazaar.
Smurfette was a rare dose of grace and femininity to a little boy watching a marathon of Saturday morning cartoons. (Well, there was Vanity Smurf, too… ) The Smurfs reached boys who were at an age when girls were either moms, teachers, or (eww) the super-smart cute girl with the bullet-proof attention span you were forced to sit beside in the front of class because you were such a disruptive little a–hole.
I mean, nobody made-out with her Shrinky-Dink or anything, but while girls of that age had lots of feminine influences in their toys and cartoons (Barbie, Strawberry Shortcake, rockstar Jem, Rainbow Brite), very few such characters existed in the realm of those of us made from snips, snails and puppy-dog tails.
Of all the girly-girl characters, Smurfette managed to cross over because The Smurfs weren’t specifically aimed at any gender. So yeah, maybe we little ’80s boys did harbor a tiny, innocent crush on this blond-and-azure beauty, but like all crushes, you grow up, get a little older, a little wiser and looking back makes you realize it would never have worked out anyway.
Along comes this Harper’s Bazaar photo spread of the new digital Smurfette from the upcoming live-action comedy The Smurfs. Cute? Sure, she looks great. Just like the Facebook photo of the now 30-something smartypants girl you were forced to sit beside. (Damn it, is it too much to ask that people who rejected us be ugly and unhappy?)
But maybe she looks too good (I’m talking about Smurfette again), a little too polished with her perfectly coiffed golden locks and designer duds. You’re even voiced by Katy Perry now, and not sweet little old Lucille Bliss. You’ve gotten a little sassier over the years. But…
I guess it would never have worked out between us. You have big money tastes now with your $685 Marc Jacobs beret, and that’s not me. I’m not saying you’re a golddigger but… you ain’t messing with no broke smurf these days (judging by the big-budget of your new Hollywood movie and fancy-schmancy friends like Neil Patrick Harris).
What happened to the gal from the village, huh? The one who used to be happy with just a fistful of daisies? She still in there somewhere?
For more weird musing, follow Anthony Breznican on Twitter: @Breznican.