Blue Crush: The new Smurfette breaks (former) little boys' hearts

Little boys from the ’80s tend to cite Princess Leia and her gold bikini as the first time their prepubescent minds took notice of a girl, but if we’re being completely, embarrassingly honest — painfully so — we’ve got to admit that Smurfette captured our eyes too.

Now wait a second, no one’s saying a generation of little straight boys had the hots for Smurfette (and she has nothing on the Freudian psycho-sexuality of Leia chained to Jabba the Hutt’s slab), but come on — how could a boy NOT notice her? She was the only girl out of 100 little blue dudes, and unlike tough-as-nails Lady Jaye and crossbow-wielding Scarlett from G.I. Joe, Smurfette was not just pure testosterone with a ponytail and curves.

Click through to see the NEW Smurfette’s fashion spread in Harper’s Bazaar.

Smurfette was a rare dose of grace and femininity to a little boy watching a marathon of Saturday morning cartoons. (Well, there was Vanity Smurf, too… ) The Smurfs reached boys who were at an age when girls were either moms, teachers, or (eww) the super-smart cute girl with the bullet-proof attention span you were forced to sit beside in the front of class because you were such a disruptive little a–hole.

I mean, nobody made-out with her Shrinky-Dink or anything, but while girls of that age had lots of feminine influences in their toys and cartoons (Barbie, Strawberry Shortcake, rockstar Jem, Rainbow Brite), very few such characters existed in the realm of those of us made from snips, snails and puppy-dog tails.

Of all the girly-girl characters, Smurfette managed to cross over because The Smurfs weren’t specifically aimed at any gender. So yeah, maybe we little ’80s boys did harbor a tiny, innocent crush on this blond-and-azure beauty, but like all crushes, you grow up, get a little older, a little wiser and looking back makes you realize it would never have worked out anyway.

Along comes this Harper’s Bazaar photo spread of the new digital Smurfette from the upcoming live-action comedy The Smurfs. Cute? Sure, she looks great. Just like the Facebook photo of the now 30-something smartypants girl you were forced to sit beside. (Damn it, is it too much to ask that people who rejected us be ugly and unhappy?)

But maybe she looks too good (I’m talking about Smurfette again), a little too polished with her perfectly coiffed golden locks and designer duds. You’re even voiced by Katy Perry now, and not sweet little old Lucille Bliss. You’ve gotten a little sassier over the years. But…

I guess it would never have worked out between us. You have big money tastes now with your $685 Marc Jacobs beret, and that’s not me. I’m not saying you’re a golddigger but… you ain’t messing with no broke smurf these days (judging by the big-budget of your new Hollywood movie and fancy-schmancy friends like Neil Patrick Harris).

What happened to the gal from the village, huh? The one who used to be happy with just a fistful of daisies? She still in there somewhere?

Well, you could have turned out worse.

For more weird musing, follow Anthony Breznican on Twitter: @Breznican.

Read more:
New ‘Smurfs’ trailer: Watch the Smurfing Surfs engage in Smurfy Smurf hijinks here. Smurf.
New ‘Smurfs’ trailer is pun-tastic
‘The Smurfs moves up release date

Comments (16 total) Add your comment
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  • Alicia

    This article is HILARIOUS! I love it!

    • AK

      Yes! So unexpected, but so great.

  • RafMaf

    Glad to see Fergie is getting more work on the big screen.

    • Dawne

      God, I wish you Fergie-haters would either die or get laid!

  • Scott

    Is it just me, or does smurfette remind anyone else of snokie (or whatever the *!&# that little troll from Jersey Shore is named)

    • buxxer

      It’s not just you. That CGI Smurfette looks like a little blue Snooki. And she sounds like Katy Perry to boot, which gives me two really good reasons to go nowhere near this movie.
      And I loved the smurfs as a kid.

  • whatevs

    I’m going to pretend you didn’t seriously spell “there” wrong in the last sentence.

  • Cris

    Thank you, Hollywood, for continuing to rape my childhood…

  • brandi

    Those pictures are absolutly hysterical!

    • Maria

      You forget to meointn that not only are you addicted, you are trying to get others addicited too. Now I am in your club.I am on level 6 and lost sleep last night because my watermelons were going to mature while I was sleeping. No, I did not set alarm to harvest them but that does sound like a good idea!

  • Alan

    I hope there is a Gay Smurf. This is 2011, after all.

    • cal

      How about a second female Smurf? (I mean, seriously, there is still only one?) Or Smurfs of another color? Eh, I never would go see it anyway.

    • pastafarian

      Vanity would be the obvious choice, but I think he’s only interested in himself. So, Ima go with Hefty. He just tries too damn hard.

  • Jed

    First Barbie hoaring out and now Smurfette…who’s next?

  • steph

    Those were cute pics! I liked the Dolce one the best. Totally 80s.

  • BrandonK

    I’ve never been one to wail about how so-and-so “raped my childhood”, but I just cannot believe what they’re doing with the Smurfs. So disappointing.

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