'The Comedy Central Roast of Donald Trump' on the scene: Read the best lines here!

Image Credit: Michael Kovac/WireImage.com

The rules for any roast demand that the roasters should have genuine affection for the roastee. You never rib someone you don’t like. But at the taping of The Comedy Central Roast of Donald Trump last night in New York City (airing on Comedy Central on Tuesday March 15 at 10:30 pm EST) not all of the comedians on hand had love in their hearts for the Trumpster — including Lisa Lampanelli, who had established that roasting rule in the first place. “Well, I broke the rule because the money’s really good,” the Roast veteran jested to me on the red carpet. Whitney Cummings, who’s quickly becoming a Comedy Central MVP, added, “Donald takes himself very seriously. I think he’s a clinically diagnosed narcissistic egomaniac. I think we’re dealing with a real sociopath here.” First-time roaster Anthony Jeselnik predicted, “They say you only roast the ones you love, so this is going to be short.” Sure others played nice — namely Larry King, who gushed “The Donald…what a guy!” more than once during the show — but it was the nasties, led by Roastmaster Seth MacFarlane, who ruled the night…and proved that gotta-like-the-roastee rule irrelevant. 

One of the more bizarre events I’ve attended in person — Jon Hamm and John Slattery, there to support Jeffrey Ross, sat to my right, while the Oscar-winning director of the documentary Born Into Brothels was placed to my left — the Roast waxed and waned like the Donald’s fortune. Some obvious potential roasters were AWOL (um, where was Regis? Martha?), while those in attendance, with the exception of King and Celebrity Apprentice contestant Marlee Matlin, bore little connection to anything Trump. When I asked Snoop Dogg what he and the Donald had in common beyond a mutual love of bling, all he could come up with was, “Money — we both love money and know how to get it.”

The evening also lacked a shred of spontaneity, with everyone, even seasoned pros like Lampanelli, Cummings, Jeffrey Ross and Seth MacFarlane, reading their scripted one-liners off giant teleprompters. It’s pretty sad when the biggest surprise of the night occurs when Gilbert Gottfried takes the stage as Matlin’s new “interpreter.” Can you imagine if Rosie O’Donnell had shown up to continue her years-long war of words with Mr. Rughead in person? Now that would have been a show!

But that ongoing feud begged the biggest question about Trump going in to his hatefest last night: Does he have a sense of humor about himself? For Cummings, the answer to that question didn’t matter. “I don’t know him, so I don’t really care. I lose nothing if I lose Donald Trump as a friend….I mean, his daughter’s pregnant, so I want to stay away from her-being-a-whore jokes.” Needless to say, Cummings had the funniest monologue of the night. When I spoke to Trump after the show, he felt that the Roast had proven the existence of his funny bone. “You have to have a sense of humor about yourself just to go through this,” he said. “It wasn’t easy, though. It was a rough night.” That said, even after the show, MacFarlane remained adamant about the Donald’s fragile ego: “Does he have a sense of humor about himself? I can almost certainly say, absolutely not.” Who can argue with the Roastmaster?

Check out our picks for the best lines from the show! (Word of warning, they are designed to offend.) Oh, and please let last night be a lesson to anyone who lets the Situation try his hand at comedy.

Seth MacFarlane
“Please welcome the second worst tragedy ever to hit New York City, Donald J. Trump.”
“Donald opposes abortion, which makes sense, because that may be his next wife you’re killing.”
On how Trump inherited much of his fortune from his father: “For all of his self-started bulls—, he’s basically Jaden Smith with a comb over.”
To Whitney Cummings: “She’s got the body of a crackwhore…but the razor-sharp wit of a crackwhore. Some people think Whitney struggles with bulimia, but I actually think she’s pretty good at it. Now if she’d just tell Lisa Lampanelli her secret we could all ride the elevator together.”

Lisa Lampanelli
“Donald, you’ve ruined more models’ lives than bulimia. You’ve disappointed more women than Sex and the City 2. You are the ultimate proof that money buys good-looking p—-. If you were broke, you’d be f—ing me.”
“Donald is very happy with his lovely wife Insert Name Here.”
To the Roastmaster: “Seth, I love your work. I particularly love that weird baby you made with the enormous football-shaped head. Oh, sorry, that was for my Sarah Palin roast.”
To her fellow Roasters: “I’ve seen more stars on the Puerto Rican flag.”

Larry King
To fellow roaster Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino: “The Situation has a new fragrance out called The Sitch, which is also what you call yourself when you can’t spell your own nickname.”
Capturing the magic of Larry King Live: “That’s all we’ve got for tonight, but before we go, let’s check in with Anderson Cooper and see what she’s got coming up.”

Snoop Dogg
“Now Donald says he wants to run for president. Why not? It wouldn’t be the first time he’s pushed a black family out of their home.”
To the Situation: “I can’t tell white guys who’re trying to act black apart.”

Whitney Cummings
“Larry King is proof that there’s not only life after retirement, there is life after death.”
“You have given more uneducated whores on-camera jobs than Fox News.”
Countless others that are completely unprintable on a family website.

Anthony Jeselnik
“This has been a rough year for comedy. Not only did the world lose Greg Giraldo, it kept Jeff Ross.”
“Mike Sorrentino, sometimes known as the Situation, never known as the Education.”
“The only difference between you, Donald, and Michael Douglas in the movie Wall Street is that nobody’s going to be sad when you get cancer.”

Marlee Matlin
“Thank you for what I can only assume was the sound of applause.”

Gilbert Gottfried
“As a developer, Donald has done so much damage to the New York skyline, instead of calling him ‘The Donald’ they should call him the 20th hijacker.”

Jeff Ross
“Larry King Live. Even the title was an oxymoron.”
“The first time Larry covered an uprising in Egypt, he interviewed Moses.”

Donald Trump
On Snoop: “He personally ended the East Coast/West Coast rap feud by becoming totally irrelevant.”
“What’s the difference between a wet raccoon and Donald J. Trump’s hair? A wet raccoon doesn’t have seven billion f—ing dollars in the bank.”

Comments (35 total) Add your comment
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  • stephen

    I loathe Donald Trump. A poor excuse for a human being. I boycott anything he’s on (except articles about his roast on EW apparently).

    • kim in kentucky

      Amen!

    • stu

      the anderson joke by the creepy old lady was out of line.

    • Tim

      You better check and see if your Rossie Mag is in twinkle toes.

  • stu

    soooo where r the best lines?????

  • stu

    actually…the abortion 1 made me laugh.

  • Buffy Freak

    It’s tough to get the true impact by reading the lines…with people like Whitney Cmmings, Lisa Lampanelli, Gilbert Gottfried and Jeff Ross, so much comes from their specific deliveries.

  • Mark S

    I know this is not really a roast’s style, but I wondered about Greg Giraldo and if he was brought up. He was a staple at these roasts and this is the first one since he died.

    • Mike

      He was brought up a few times and Jeff Ross did a salute to him at the end.

  • LOL

    The dig on Fox News was delicious.

    • justsaying

      i loved it!! fox news is stupid

    • Bobcat

      Didn’t know the forum rules allowed such blirliant posts.

  • allyb10

    RIP Greg Giraldo. He was consistently the best roaster.

  • notmelbrooks

    Cant wait for Gilbert Gottfried to take the stage as Matlin’s new “interpreter.

  • justsaying

    i feel so bad for Mike!!

    • SLB

      Mike? You mean that retarded idiot “the situation”?

    • right

      right. i feel sorry for anyone who has to be in his general vicinity.

  • IAA Seth Macfarlene

    That is one cool cat.

  • Marcus Johnson

    Folks will notice that nothing The Situation said made it into the best quotes. There’s a reason for that–he sucked big time.

  • Dr . Martin

    what a sorry needy clown .All that wealth and he needs all that attention .

  • elevro

    I never like these Comedy Central roasts, so I don’t watch them anymore. I’m old, so you may not remember, but they used to have roasts on TV, maybe on a weekly or monthly basis (?), and the roasters actually knew the roastee; it wasn’t just a bunch of “regular” roaster comedians. Those roasts were really good. I wish they would bring those back.

    • Tim

      I agree, those were classic. Now we have a bunch of second rate comedians and irrelevant stars. Typical Comedy Central.

      • Kelly

        After the disastrous roast of Chevy Chase the Friars’ Club quit letting Comedy Central air their roasts. Those are the ones everyone misses. Comedy Central has to make do with what they have, and even the worst roast gets them viewers.

  • JayPetey

    No mention on how Mike “The Situation” bombed so hilariously awful?

    • PHinGA

      I know! His bombing was cringeworthy hilarious!

  • Dr Z

    DONALD, THE MAN, HE IS WHAT AMERICA USE TO BE TO TELL IT LIKE IT IS AND NOT LOOK BAD,BUT THAT IS THE PAST AND HE COULD BE A GREAT FUTURE FOR AMERICA

    • Hauwa

      Posted on Awesome post even I would say the whole blog is incredibly betauiful and informative every time I visit it I learn new things from the content like this post.[]

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