'Bridalplasty': 15 Things That Made Me Die Inside

bridalplastyI somehow just sat through E!’s series premiere of Bridalplasty, a competitive reality series in which 12 soon-to-be-married or already-married brides creep around what is probably the same house as Beauty and the Geek in the hopes of injecting each other with poisonous “fillers.” Just kidding, though that would be a better show. On this show, the “ladies” compete in “challenges that will help you become closer and closer to the perfect bride.” It’s like True Beauty and The Swan wrapped into one dripping, greasy, liposuction/chicken rollup. At stake: An all-expenses-paid dream wedding and an all-you-can-eat plastic surgery buffet. GROSS. I honestly can’t believe I haven’t died yet. I’m gonna need a lot of non-plastic surgery by doctors without the word brow in their names to repair all of this internal damage!

‘Bridalplasty': 15 Things That Made Me Die Inside

1. The way Lisa Marie says “fi-ahhhhhhhn-céééééé”

2. The irony of Jenessa claiming “I’m not one to fight what nature intends” (re: her fiance waiting four years to finally propose)

3. “I deserve to have something to be happy about.” –Jaimie, who is already really hot with a loving husband, two healthy kids, and a pool in the backyard. WHY ARE YOU THERE?!

4. Jenessa’s ongoing vendetta against Alexandra, who won’t shut up about having been on — and ultimately proposed to on a season finale of — The Biggest Loser. You already got your shot at “fame,” bitch!

5. “I think I’ll always regret not being at the airport to welcome him home.” –Melissa, whose honey T.J. was deployed to Iraq in January. (He arrived at the house as a surprise guest!)

6. “The worst part about our relationship is having to say goodbye all the time.” –T.J.’s final words as he left his wife behind to compete in a reality show about plastic surgery

7. Host Shanna Moakler claiming that the resident plastic surgeon, Dr. Dubrow (!!!!!!!), had “worked on plenty of celebrities, including some of my very good friends.”

8. “Comedian” Allyson making her “spare tire” talk

9. Dr. Dubrow telling Kristen she had “perfect breasts for doing a breast augmentation”

10. “Your aereolas are going down a little bit.” –Dr. Dubrow to Ashley

11. “At the top of the stairs are your bridal closets….” –Shanna introducing the challenge

12. The challenge required the “ladies” to put together “magnetic puzzle pieces of what you COULD look like at the end of your journey” over pictures of the “ladies” as they look today, in all their disgusting, God-given glory.

13. “I’m probably one of the more intelligent girls in the house, let’s face it. Kristen and Cheyenne — I’m sure they’re gonna be excellent citizens of the U.S., but let’s not go there.” –Jenessa (Wait, are they not citizens? Kick them out!)

14. “I’m stoked! Let’s take care of my buttface!” –Kristen, who arrived first at Dr. Dubrow’s Exclusive Injectables Party

14a. “EXCLUSIVE INJECTABLES PARTY”

14b. You needed to win a syringe in order to be admitted to the exclusive injectables party. “Three brides. Two syringes.” –Shanna (I keep wanting to call her Alison Sweeney!)

15. Netty getting upset that Ashley pawned her engagement ring to make a payment on her car. “If you need food on the table, I can understand.” But not a car?! (Netty insisted Ashley should have been taking the bus.) What if there’s not a bus near her house? Shut the f— up, Netty! You big, fat, pot.

Deep breath, Annie.

Wait, I know. This might help!

***

5 Things on ‘Bridalplasty’ that actually kind of ruled

1. Dr. Dubrow. Has to be a stage name, right? (The stage is life.)

2. “Those skinny bitches? Like, run it. I could seriously swallow her and you wouldn’t even know. You’d just be like ‘Are you bloated?'” –Ashley (She was voted off. My fave! Nooooooo!)

3. The quick cut to Dominique guzzling a bottle of beer after her own voiceover indicated that she wanted a chance to “be that beautiful bride”

4. During the “This season on Bridalplasty….” montage, someone said “volumptuous.” New word!

5. Jenessa (?) (doesn’t matter)’s war paint during Dr. Dubrow’s exclusive injectables party

Anyone else make it through the hour? What kinds of surgeries do you now need? Discuss the Bridalplasty series premiere below!

Annie on Twitter: @EWAnnieBarrett

Read more:
Reality TV: 10 Worst Shows Ever


Comments (76 total) Add your comment
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  • molly

    Annie, hilarious as always. I wish Ashley had stayed. It almost seemed like Shanna was trying to get them to vote to keep Alexandra. Shocked myself by watching the whole hour of this.

    Weirdest moment: Ashley CRACKING UP as her fiance said how he liked her just as she was.

  • Dr Rand Pink

    As a gynecologist for over 25 years, this show was the worst thing my eyes have ever witnessed.

    • D.

      you said it all.

    • Sam

      As a human being for over 23 years, this show was the worst thing MY eyes have ever witnessed as well.

  • tracy bluth

    I’m not going to watch this show, but this is hilarious. Wouldn’t expect anything less from Annie!!!!
    Also, “the stage is life”? AMAZING.

    • Mr. Holloway

      Two words from a “Dating in the Dark” watcher who’d rather not tune into this disaster-in-the-making: photo recap.

      • the girl

        amen to that.

      • Sofriggin’good

        Annie, you. are. amazing.

    • Leonardo

      dtulua on January 21, 2011 Omg r u guys seriously gonna get tnhceical with the word HULA??? I’m Tongan and I know it’s not HULA but for obvious MARKETING PURPOSES they used HOT HULA because it’s catchy and non-polys would be able to recognize the kind of fitness program this is . geez!

  • Shannon

    I didn’t see the show, and I don’t plan on ever seeing it. I’m deeply disturbed and completely disgusted with this concept.

    • Allison

      Amen.

    • Christy

      unforunately I did, and I completely agree. Isn’t it supposed to be loving the person you’re marrying already..not some freak show at the end of the aisle…weird. These girls don’t even have many physical problems, they all sound like psychological to me….

    • Kiki

      It reminds me of that hideous Swan program.

      • yari

        as a person who replies at random post indeed i agree with you guys this is the the type of show that make women feal more and more insecure about themselves(like the idiots competing) instead of loving themselves

  • Carissa

    When the one girls fiance came to see her from Iraq it really touched my heart personally. My fiance is going to be deployed in just a couple months and we are planning to be married when he returns. So that really made me tear up. However, I don’t think the message of this show is very positive to us young girls in America. I’m 18 and I think that the message of this show is basically saying that these women aren’t good enough to walk down the aisle with how they look. Some of these girls could benefit from just a little trip to the dermatologist and some exercise. I feel bad for the fiances, they have to sit at home for months while the person they fell in love with is altering themselves

    • Anna

      There is a great deal of wisdom, kindness and empathy in your words, your finace is lucky to have you. Best wishes to the both of you, may he return from his deployment healthy and whole in body, mind and spirit and may you enjoy a long life together of growth, joy and mutual respect.

  • beth

    Ah, yes, our culture seeks not to value personality, morals and ethics, but perfection in outward appearance! Oh, yes, I heard this show was not going to be at all like THE SWAN! No, it is even worse!! Ugh!!

    • Anna

      I think, in general, our culture does still value personality, morals and ethics over outward appearances of perfection. Vain, shallow people will always exist, sadly, there sits an entire bevy of them in producers’ chairs thinking the rest of us will be entertained by them. We’re not. The best thing those of us who don’t spend our days worshipping at the altar of botox, butt lifts, brow lifts and boob enhancements can do is leave them alone to live in their own personal little corner of hell and continue living our own lives in happiness and contentment.

      • Liz

        I think that vanity is more prominent now because we are 24/7 broadcasting people over the internet, television and magazines/newspapers. This isn’t like 100 years ago when pictures of people were much less common therefore much less scrutinized. I bet that as the media grows so will the vanity of America.

      • Lauren Forrester

        Anna so well said thx for reminding me of actual reality :)

  • Tara

    I can’t wait for this show to be canceled. This show is gross and Shanna – your name is pronounced just like Shannon – duh. If you want to be called ShaYna, why not spell it that way?

    p.s. Shayna – by doing this show, you have proved you are the caliber of celebrity as Heidi and Spencer. Laughable celebrity. Soon, the E channel will be voting whether to kick you off the island.

  • Stacie

    This is the single most disgusting show that is on T.V today. This show is enforcing the negative ideas of society- it’s truly horrible.

    • Johanna

      Nouveau client du Cre9dit Coope9ratif pour des ronasis d’e9conomie sociale et responsable, j’ai de9couvert ce boeetier Se9same apre8s coup et comme tout le monde je suis tre8s perplexe devant cette solution.Meame si le Cre9dit Coop s’engage e0 recycler les boeetiers en fin de vie (la moindre des choses quand meame), leur fabrication reste polluante et situe9e en Chine Alors que cette banque est cense9e attire9e une cliente8le soucieuse de l’impact qu’elle a sur son environnement, j’avoue tre8s mal comprendre ce choix qui frise l’auto sabotage Sachez pour info que le Cre9dit Agricole a un syste8me de se9curite9 par envoi de code par SMS, bien plus pratique !Avec de telles mesures, le Cre9dit Coop risque d’agacer beaucoup de monde, et par la meame de perdre tre8s vite ses nouveaux clients, moi le premier !

  • jj6

    this show is so gross. Excuse me, while i go spend some quality time hugging my toilet. blech.

    • JPFlick

      Binging and purging is not good for you either, jj6.

  • Christy

    sorry, but I don’t think Ashley was even engaged in the first place. I think she was there just for the free surgeries. I got the feeling during her interview with the boyfriend, that they were just friends. And what are they gonna do after she gets the surgeries and doesn’t get married…take em back? Acting….poorly. Yet I didn’t like the other one either. Oh well….

  • WWTBD? (What Would Tom Bergeron Do?)

    Annie…why must you recap this show? Now I have to watch! Nooo..my hot mess Sunday night loyalties will remain with The Real Housewives of ATL.

  • Chappel

    I don’t know what’s more pathetic… that people go on these shows and act like fools or that people watch them.

    • Raya

      I believe I know what is more pathetic, and it isn’t the show, or watching. Its when a TELEVISION SHOW about people doing what they WANT WITH THEIR OWN DAMN LIVES gets judged by these high and mighty, self serving idiots. You people only whine, “It’s disgusting.” and “They should love themselves.” Because its an excuse to not improve your OWN SELVES!! For you to be OKAY with being ugly, or fat, or whatever else…THAT CAN BE FIXED!! The fact is that women in general have many, many insecurities, All of us, no matter if we are beautiful or not, or damaged or not…and we always will! NO!! We are not all created equal, with or without surgery. Some of us have hard lives/childhoods and I know several people that have had minor things done like skin resurfacing, or botox, (even losing weight naturally), and just that small thing that lets them feel like they have a little CONTROL over their lives. I’ve seen it give them a surge of empowerment. A feeling that has lead to SO MANY GOOD THINGS IN THEIR LIVES outside of their appearance. So BEFORE you get online and put a comment next to your name, judging others…THINK OF THE SITUATION FROM ALL SIDES. It only makes you seem as ignorant as racists! Ugh! Now that (you jerks) are disgusting!!

      • not fake

        Wow, you need just as much psychological help as the women on this show if you actually believe that.

  • james

    All these hilarious quotes make me want to watch the show even more. It’s so bad it’s good.

  • botoxia

    Those contestants should take a good hard look at the hostess and give thought to whether they want to have the same jacked looking face. That woman is 5 surgeries away from Cat Woman terretory. She is not very attractive

    • Emmali

      I AGREE SO FREAKING MUCH.

      I watch the show because I enjoy it, but the hostess is the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen, and she wasn’t born ugly…

      But you have to admit that some of the surgeries are, maybe not needed, but I’d get them too if I had said body part. Like the laser hair removal, and the re-doing of the veneers, and Jenessa’s nose job was a much needed improvement. And Alexandra could have benefited from a tummy tuck, because she wasn’t fat, but she had so much extra skin left over that she still looked fat..

  • Dee

    Annie, how could you leave out the kiss-off line, which was something like, “Sorry, Ashley. You can still get married, but you won’t be having the perfect wedding” or whatever it was.

    (I can’t believe I watched it. So ashamed.)

    • jane

      that was my least favorite part dee. the whole thing was so horrible, but when shanna said “you will still have a wedding, but it may not be perfect”, i shut it off. that is a HORRIBLE thing to tell a bride to be. i would’ve slapped shanna right there!

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