'The Real Housewives of D.C.' recap: 'Do you think Obama will remember us?'

Michaele-SalahiImage Credit: Bill O'Leary/The Washington Post/Getty Images“You work hard, you give a lotta love, you end up at the White House,” bragged Michaele in the limo ride to the State Dinner. That, or you end up on the Today Show refusing to answer questions. Or in your attorney’s office, offering to pay legal fees in bottles of Oasis pinot grigio. Or in the mouths of every late night host cracking jokes. Just give love!

“This is the American dream right here,” gushed Michaele Salahi as she got her makeup done at a D.C. salon. Ba bum! clanged Law & Order-style music after every grandiose line that popped out of this parakeet’s mouth. Michaele read somewhere about “bilateral relationships” and she used it as her go-to line on the nature of India and America’s ties. That afternoon at the salon may have been the happiest of her whole life. She got to preen in front of her makeup artist and stylist and play the role of BFF to President Obama, who she claimed to have met before at another one of the charity events that the Salahis sponsored, or at least lent a bottle of wine to while asking to have their white limo valeted. “He meets so many people, I hope he remembers,” she said, sounding like a strip mall version of Cinderella wondering if her Prince Charming will remember their fated pre-Midnight dance. “‘Hey remember me? From Rock the Vote?'” Other people she hoped to reconnect with at the State Dinner: the Social Secretaries she had on speed dial who encouraged her choice of sari, and of course greatest lady ever, Oprah Winfrey. “She’s been a big part of both of our lives!” said Michaele. If by big part, you mean that you and Tareq like to snuggle on the sofa with a cheese sandwich during O’s big celebrity interviews, then we totally have that in common. So, that’s fun!

The best moment of the episode was when we got to listen in on a confused-sounding producer pressing Michaele to show the camera the actual invite. The makeup artist and stylist had done heroic work asking innocent questions about why the Salahis had been invited to such a prestigious affair in the first place. “When you got invited…” prompted the makeup artist. “Right,” oozed Michaele, as Tareq twitched and smirked over in the products aisle, “it’s just something that uh you know you wanna be invited again so you certainly don’t want to be out there kind of promoting like oh look what I’m doing so you kind of keep it humble and quiet.” Ba boom! “When did you get the invite?” wondered the stylist. “I wanna see that invitation, do you have it?” Michaele bounded out to the car to grab it but only came up with a fistful of bangles. Enter the producer’s disembodied voice, reminding Michaele of her mission. The invite, lady, let’s see it. How can she be bothered to find the invite when she can’t find her bra, Bravo hired help? She has to wear back-up shoes to the White House, she cannot handle your nagging requests right now. Tareq explained that invitations are for suckers. “An invitation to the White House is really a formality,” he promised. “You do not need the actual invitation, according to the White House.” Ba boom!

Elsewhere this episode, Cat borrowed one of Michaele’s white furs and sat next to Charles at the lovely Burkina Faso designer’s fashion show. Lynda went overboard in her understandable quest to avoid the Salahis at all costs. Like Paul, I assumed her orders to have Michaele and Tareq’s photos posted with security were kind of a joke. No, that woman was serious. And you do not want to mess with Lynda. You’ll end up on the receiving end of her tart tongue and wincing, mincing smile. Just ask that Indian model with the bob. If he ever dares show that hair in her presence again she will hack it off with her letter opener. Stacie sent the most ill-advised message ever to her half-brother on Facebook. “You will not Believe the mutual acquaintance we share. Please reach out.” Stacie honey, that sounds like the worst kind of porno spam. She had better luck with a representative of the Nigerian embassy, who expertly narrowed down the search for her birth father. I dare say my eyes teared up a little when the woman called her “my sister” and swore that the Ibo men never abandon their children. And damn, those ladies did look alike.

It’s been a long season, with only one real, enraging storyline. Next week on the finale, the Salahis get busted. They still swear they’ve been cleared of all charges of crashing the White House. (Snort!) Does it matter? From the first episode they’ve revealed themselves to be ridiculous, inauthentic, dangerously deluded, and humorless people. “Lynda’s so jealous of me,” said Michaele. “I’m the prettiest, I’m the hottest, and I have the most friends. I’m Miss D.C.” Woman-child, would you grow up already!

What do you think? However much this franchise failed to catch fire, is a part of you looking forward to next week’s comeuppance? Is Charles the most dour man ever to suffer through a Housewives series? Did you expect that cleavage on Erika? And like Lynda, did you get a hot flash from seeing Ebong in that suit?

Comments (52 total) Add your comment
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  • barbara

    This show is unwatchable.

  • lea ann blackshire

    Hate this show borrring cant stand any of the women

  • mina

    I LOVE this show! I have never watched any of the other Housewives, but I look forward to this one every week.

  • Holly

    I just have to say this write up is hilarious! Spot on. Loved it! RHODC is so awful but I can’t stop watching it.

  • Brett

    After next week, can we please consign these attention whores to the obscurity from whence they came?

    • Bijou

      Not yet, Brett. We’ve still got to watch the reunion to find out how Obama made Tareq the new Speaker of the House and Michaele the bilateral liaison between the White House and the Real Housewives franchise.

      • Tash

        And don’t forget their important meetings with Indian royalty. WTF?

    • jr

      AMEN!!!

  • Mary

    This is a funny writeup. You are so spoton about Lynda. She looks like a mad sorority sister who would cut a sister’s hair while you sleep. Would love to hear from her exes!!!!

  • MARIE

    Stacie and her husband are the only two on this show who have “class”. The rest are all fake and hard to watch. Give Stacie her own show.

    • kaya

      She may be classier that the rest, but she is still so boring that it’s hard to stay awake during her segments. ‘Give Stacey her own show’ ??? WTF? I’m pretty sure you and her family would be the only ones tuning in…

  • vicki

    they are better than atlanta. those women are dumb as doorknobs with attitudes. money and no class

    • Jenn

      Money can’t buy you class. Elegance is learned!

      • VirginiaJoy

        My friend!

      • Topper

        Oh, yeah.

      • v

        LOL!

  • Callie

    Don’t you just want to slap Lynda with her singy-songy nonsense talk? Like fingernails on a chalkboard.

  • marge

    I have to disagree about Lynda. Love the lady. Stacie is also a favorite as is Cat. Erika not the friendliest person on the show. Wishing Stacie luck and the ladies did favor each other. The ditzy blonde is too, too much along with mush mouth hubby. Hope the CIA, FBI, anyone else in authority stops these two meatheads in their tracks. JMHO.

  • Coco

    As much as I would like to emphathize with Stacie’s situation. I thought is was completely out of order to contact her biological mother’s son. She should respect the woman’s choice to not want a realtionship with her and for not giving her more information on her father. Perhaps, she is not sure who the father is? Maybe she was raped? There are many reasons a woman would not want to pass on this information. Now she has resorted to stalking this woman and her family.

    • Kelley

      You obviously weren’t paying attention when Stacie noted that her mother told her she was conceived out of love and gave her up because of the social barriers (blacks and whites) at the time and location. Perhaps you can’t sympathize because you don’t know anyone who has been this. Perhaps you don’t understand what its like for a person to not have any clue as to who they really are and where they really come from. Ignorance is LETHAL and it has been killing this country since the first settlers decided they were going to take over someone else’s land. GET A CLUE!!!

    • Brooke

      Gotta agree with Kelley on this one, Coco. I don;t think she should have reached out to the brother (an innocent party in this whole mess), but the biological mother explained that she was ashamed of the biological father. Not cool.

    • Callie

      Kelley and Brooke, I don’t think either of you were paying attention. Unless I missed another scene, Stacie was commenting on what Lynda had said to her when they all met for dinner. And Stacie’s response to that was something like “I suppose she was trying to give me another point of view, which I appreciate, but I don’t agree.”

      • Sensible

        I remember that. It was Lynda’s colorful tale to make stacie feel better. Kelley, pay attention. ;). Stacie is really out of line trying to contact her half-brother. And then said something awfully stupid like, “I tried to reach out, but suddenly he didn’t respond” Suddenly? Really?

    • ruthie

      I would like to respond to your insensitive comment. As an adopted person myself who has been struggling like stacy to find my biological family, it is not a question of tact or decency! Why is it that an adopted child has no right to find out who they are? You know who you are and where you come from! People who are not adopted never understand this angst that follows you around for your whole life. Do not comment on what you dont understand!

      • kaya

        @ruthie and @kelley:
        just because someone did not have the same life experiences as you does not make them wrong or unable to feel and understand the situation. I agree that an adopted person may have a yearning in their heart to know where they came from, but why are the wishes of the natural mother / parents so completely insignificant to you? You accuse them of ignoring your suffering, but what about the suffering that you are now foisting on them by dragging out the past and ripping off the long healed scabs? They did what they thought was the best thing for you – they gave you up for adoption so despite their heartbreak you could have a loving family and a future.
        The comments of the both of you sound so typically spoiled and entitled, it is a shame that you can’t see the other side. And on top of it all you have no clue about simple politeness. You have no arguments to use so you stoop to rudeness and telling people off? Everybody has a right to express their views – you do not have to like them or agree with them, but you can’t prohibit them from being expressed, no matter how rude of selfrighteous you choose to be.

  • Marge

    I just have to write that ” Karen Valby” gave me the best laugh of the day. She is a gifted writer.
    Thanks

  • EIWatson

    Karen, you made me blow coffee outta my nose! Great article. The Salahi’s are frightening!!!

  • John

    I am a big fan of all of the other Housewives series and I have really come to love DC. Sure it’s not as exciting as wig pulling, table flipping, and meltdowns on exotic islands, but I really feel this series offers many other things that the other ones do as well.

    I love Stacie but the one thing that I cannot figure out is why she is so hellbent on knowing who her father is and connecting with her black side, but seems to want no relationship with her white side other than for them to give her information about her father’s side. She won’t even call her half-brother a brother. She calls him her real mother’s son.

    • Kelley

      She has said that she has gone as far with her birth mother as her mother is willing to go. Think about it. this is a long kept secret that this woman has lived with I’m not willing to believe that she would be enthusiastic to open her life and tell her family “hey look this is my black daughter I’ve been keeping a secret” And as far as the brother, she does finally call him her brother. I think it’s more shocking and confusing (to say the least) for her rather than her not wanting to connect. I think she really just wants to know who he is. It’s like putting together a jiggsaw and theres one piece left but for the life of you you can’t seem to find that one last piece. I take it to be quite frustrating. She has already found her mom now its time to find her dad. I don’t think its any more than that. Also, the fact that her birth mother will give her no information as to who he is makes her want to know that much more.

    • Brooke

      The fact that her mother refuses to tell her who her father is and refuses to introduce her to her family is a complete dealbreaker for pursuing a relationship with her. Please do NOT make this a black or white thing; horrible mothers come in ALL colors.

      • John

        I did not mean to make this into a racial issue. I am just confused to as why she doesn’t seem interested in knowing both sides. I understand her mother did not want a relationship but Stacie just seems to talk about that side as if she does not care to know them at all.

      • John

        I should have also mentioned that I think it’s great that Stacie wants to find either of her parents and I found the scene with her and the woman from the Nigerian embassy heartwarming. I guess the way they went about Facebook messaging her half brother just turned me off a little.

      • Don

        Stacie’s mother wants nothing to do with her, so now, she’s trying to find her father. It’s not like she doesn’t want to get to know her mother, the mother has closed her doors to her – get it straight

    • D

      @John…I noticed the same thing episode before last. In this episode she even called him a step-brother. Wouldn’t he be her half-brother? Also, what made them think that he would have ANY information? Doesn’t make sense. And she had a picture this whole time? She seriously made it sound like she had absolutely NO leads.

  • yazz

    I used to work for these people at Oasis winery. They are not like this for the camera, they are like this in real life. I hope Tareq gets busted for tax evasion. He is a spoiled little baby who needs to be locked up. Plus this guy smells TERRIBLE. That white Armani jacket he always wears is horrible, it smells like body odor in the worst way. Ugggg.

    • CoolWhipLite

      @yazz–I bet you have great stories!! And he looks like he stinks.

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