“You work hard, you give a lotta love, you end up at the White House,” bragged Michaele in the limo ride to the State Dinner. That, or you end up on the Today Show refusing to answer questions. Or in your attorney’s office, offering to pay legal fees in bottles of Oasis pinot grigio. Or in the mouths of every late night host cracking jokes. Just give love!
“This is the American dream right here,” gushed Michaele Salahi as she got her makeup done at a D.C. salon. Ba bum! clanged Law & Order-style music after every grandiose line that popped out of this parakeet’s mouth. Michaele read somewhere about “bilateral relationships” and she used it as her go-to line on the nature of India and America’s ties. That afternoon at the salon may have been the happiest of her whole life. She got to preen in front of her makeup artist and stylist and play the role of BFF to President Obama, who she claimed to have met before at another one of the charity events that the Salahis sponsored, or at least lent a bottle of wine to while asking to have their white limo valeted. “He meets so many people, I hope he remembers,” she said, sounding like a strip mall version of Cinderella wondering if her Prince Charming will remember their fated pre-Midnight dance. “‘Hey remember me? From Rock the Vote?’” Other people she hoped to reconnect with at the State Dinner: the Social Secretaries she had on speed dial who encouraged her choice of sari, and of course greatest lady ever, Oprah Winfrey. “She’s been a big part of both of our lives!” said Michaele. If by big part, you mean that you and Tareq like to snuggle on the sofa with a cheese sandwich during O’s big celebrity interviews, then we totally have that in common. So, that’s fun!
The best moment of the episode was when we got to listen in on a confused-sounding producer pressing Michaele to show the camera the actual invite. The makeup artist and stylist had done heroic work asking innocent questions about why the Salahis had been invited to such a prestigious affair in the first place. “When you got invited…” prompted the makeup artist. “Right,” oozed Michaele, as Tareq twitched and smirked over in the products aisle, “it’s just something that uh you know you wanna be invited again so you certainly don’t want to be out there kind of promoting like oh look what I’m doing so you kind of keep it humble and quiet.” Ba boom! “When did you get the invite?” wondered the stylist. “I wanna see that invitation, do you have it?” Michaele bounded out to the car to grab it but only came up with a fistful of bangles. Enter the producer’s disembodied voice, reminding Michaele of her mission. The invite, lady, let’s see it. How can she be bothered to find the invite when she can’t find her bra, Bravo hired help? She has to wear back-up shoes to the White House, she cannot handle your nagging requests right now. Tareq explained that invitations are for suckers. “An invitation to the White House is really a formality,” he promised. “You do not need the actual invitation, according to the White House.” Ba boom!
Elsewhere this episode, Cat borrowed one of Michaele’s white furs and sat next to Charles at the lovely Burkina Faso designer’s fashion show. Lynda went overboard in her understandable quest to avoid the Salahis at all costs. Like Paul, I assumed her orders to have Michaele and Tareq’s photos posted with security were kind of a joke. No, that woman was serious. And you do not want to mess with Lynda. You’ll end up on the receiving end of her tart tongue and wincing, mincing smile. Just ask that Indian model with the bob. If he ever dares show that hair in her presence again she will hack it off with her letter opener. Stacie sent the most ill-advised message ever to her half-brother on Facebook. “You will not Believe the mutual acquaintance we share. Please reach out.” Stacie honey, that sounds like the worst kind of porno spam. She had better luck with a representative of the Nigerian embassy, who expertly narrowed down the search for her birth father. I dare say my eyes teared up a little when the woman called her “my sister” and swore that the Ibo men never abandon their children. And damn, those ladies did look alike.
It’s been a long season, with only one real, enraging storyline. Next week on the finale, the Salahis get busted. They still swear they’ve been cleared of all charges of crashing the White House. (Snort!) Does it matter? From the first episode they’ve revealed themselves to be ridiculous, inauthentic, dangerously deluded, and humorless people. “Lynda’s so jealous of me,” said Michaele. “I’m the prettiest, I’m the hottest, and I have the most friends. I’m Miss D.C.” Woman-child, would you grow up already!
What do you think? However much this franchise failed to catch fire, is a part of you looking forward to next week’s comeuppance? Is Charles the most dour man ever to suffer through a Housewives series? Did you expect that cleavage on Erika? And like Lynda, did you get a hot flash from seeing Ebong in that suit?