'The Real Housewives of New Jersey' recap: Haunted by hair bows

Real-Housewives-New-JerseyImage Credit: Salvatore Laporta/BravoIt’s now clear that Teresa really doesn’t live in New Jersey, or the real world, but rather in an over-sized playhouse covered in leopard and Swavorski crystals. Her daughters are her own personal Barbie dolls, and last night we experienced sensory overload in the form of hair accessories. Teresa forced her three eldest daughters (just wait until you grow hair, Audriana) to wear furry pom-poms atop their heads, making them look even more devilish than usual. There wasn’t a moment on the trip that these girls were without their hair bows, because what kind of impression of America would that leave on the Italians? “God forbid the accessory bag went missing! Holy crap. If one of her kids didn’t have a bow on their head she would make one out of toilet paper,” Jacqueline said. Teresa had even purchased custom-made dresses for the final dinner of the trip, from the Little Bo Peep’s Crack-Bender Collection. Have you noticed how little Gia has been rendered speechless of late? The harsh realities of show business must be getting to her (Jillian knows). Stage moms heed my warning: What you think is just a hair bow will quickly turn into years and years of expensive therapy bills.

In more moments of questionable parenting, Danielle pulled her daughters away from normal teen activities, like texting their friends, to bring the attention back to herself. She explained the betrayal she felt from Kim G. and how victimized she continues to be by Teresa etc. “Yeah they don’t really respect you,” said Christine, who is probably counting down the days until she turns 18, and if she’s smart, is not letting Danielle anywhere near her modeling checks. When the conversation turned to looking for her birth mother, her daughters applauded their mom’s efforts. “If you don’t find her still you made an attempt, you know? It’s not like you just sat on your ass and like didn’t do anything,” Christine said. “I don’t like that kind of language Christine…You’re too beautiful and too spiritual to speak like that.” So that means Danielle’s neither beautiful nor spiritual? At least she’s admitting it.

Danny, her fellow anti-spiritual anti-beauty, arrived, with news of the Manzo/Laurita/Giudice trip to Italy. (Again, check the bushes. We’ve yet to see where he lives. Just saying.) Danielle had bravely sacrificed her love of Franklin Lakes’ Paninis for her own safety because she was afraid of running into the enemies at the Market Basket: “I couldn’t let my kids walk around here safely anymore,” she said. Yes, because Gia keeps razor blades in her hair ribbons, and she’s coming for you, Danielle. But while the terrorists are away, Danielle will play, and she and Danny enjoyed a delicious lunch while pretending not to care about what the Manzos, Lauritas, and Giudices were up to in Italy. (“Don’t want to know!”) Is Danny more in love with Danielle or simply in love with the camera? It must be hard getting a job out of jail.

Back in Europe, there were plenty more travel tips to be gleaned from the trip to Naples and Teresa and Joe’s hometown of Sala Consilina (thank you Caroline for admitting you’re not the only one who had no idea what Teresa was saying).

1. Make sure you’re getting your money’s worth. Joe felt that they were overcharged during their one night stay in Naples, and since he is obviously not a man of spirituality nor a man of beauty, he had no problem letting his most colorful thoughts fly in front of his parents, children, and the poor Italian bus driver.  If he’s going to pay $1000 for a friggin’ breakfast, it better be friggin’ good and not just a friggin’ ham sandwich. The meatball doesn’t fall far from the sauce, apparently: “How stupid we are, we gotta come to Naples to let them steal our money? It’s bulls—,” Joe’s mother said. Of course there is a time and place for venting (publicly, on a tour bus, natch), but when you’re entering Joe’s hometown, yous gotta be behaved: “We gotta go eat and we gotta be civilized. No more bulls—ing around!”

2. If you’re going to hike up an ancient hill in a tiny Italian village, might as well bring a roadie. In fact, carrying a glass of red wine around at all times will make you much more enjoyable to those around you. Joe was much happier in Sala Consilina, thanks in part to his liquid pal, and Chris also made comments about getting drunk to help get down the giant hill they had just climbed. Good idea, or dangerous?

3.  Speaking of wine, just like people, wine bottles deserve respect. Which is why an unidentified family member tucked a bottle ever so slightly into the stroller and pushed it around the town. Sorry Audriana and Nicholas, that is the ultimate precious cargo.

4. When you’re not quite sure of where you are or who you’re with, your best bet is to find a plate of pasta and hunker down in an unknown kitchen. Caroline felt awkward because she didn’t speak Italian, but luckily food is a universal language.

5. Be curious about foreign plumbing. The group arrived at their hotel in Naples, and the Giudices did what all red-blooded Americans do when they land in Europe: Play around with a bidet and make silly poop jokes.

6. If you’re traveling with elderly people, remind them at every chance you get that they are OLD. Jacqueline was trying to be considerate of the grandparents of the group by checking in with them when she learned Sala Consilina was one big vertical incline, but she wasn’t at all subtle and kept referring to them as “the old people.” Careful, those are the people watching your kids this whole time.

7. While traveling in another country, be sure to mention the person that you’re NOT at all thinking of back home. Jacqueline made it half way through the episode before commenting on Danielle: “Being in Italy it was kind of nice with the whole Danielle situation out of sight out of mind. I wish she would move to another country… or another planet.” Points for continuity!

Despite Teresa’s confusion on the country’s history (“Naples had this volcano, and it did erupt but hundreds and hundreds of years ago, or 60 years ago? Was it 60 years ago?”), she does speak Italian and was great at introducing all of her friends and family to her relatives. Even Joe perked up when saying ciao to his aunt and grandmother, and seemed genuinely interested in seeing the house he lived in as baby. Teresa was loving it, and made plans to fix up Joe’s father’s house (something tells me leopard print may not go over well with the locals). She’s hoping the checks from the Real Housewives will help pay for it, because Joe’s “businesses” sure won’t. After his profanity-laced outburst on the bus, do you think Teresa is finally realizing the reality of their situation?

Danielle did her best to invoke human emotion by crying alone during her confessional interview, but it’s hard to feel for her when the decision to look for her birth mother was obviously prompted by the fact that she’s on a REALITY SHOW, and that Bravo is desperate for story lines. (Could there be some truth to the claims that Danielle won’t be back next season? If so, buckle up for a lot more of Team Fabulous, family vacations, rounds of the ham game, and Ashley’s berets….maybe Danielle’s not so bad after all?). She hired a private investigator to begin the search for the woman who gave birth to her at 15. With only her “ethniticity” (Catholic, Italian) and her genuine positive thinking to go on, Danny’s crack P.I. (that’s a questionable recommendation, no?) warned her that this would not be a fast or easy process. “Nothing in my life has been fabulously easy,” Danielle responded. Um, who said anything about “fabulous”? She must have Teresa and her girls on the brain. She also seemed conflicted in whether she was willing to wait for the results of the search. “I waited 47 years…and if I have to wait another 10 years I guess that’s that’s what it’ll take,” and later, “I’m a little bit sad about it because I’ve been looking for her for 47 years.” But who cares, because Danielle’s all about the “proverbial” these days. Didn’t you notice that she used the word twice in one episode? Someone got a word-of-the-day calendar!

Was Joe completely out of line this episode? Did you feel bad that Caroline and Albert had to spend their precious vacation time hanging with Gabriella? Will Albert ever be able to pull himself away from work to spend more time with his wife? Will Danielle conveniently find her birth mother by season’s end? Does the walk up to next week’s Danielle/Caroline showdown look too much like the one with Dina earlier this season?


Comments (128 total) Add your comment
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  • LaLa

    Ok, I know many will not agree but after Teresa’s crazy Hair boo Peep outfits I think she is the crazy one of the show. Danielle is a better mother than anyone wants to admit. Her girls love her and I am sure away from the cameras life is pretty normal for that family. But, Man Teresa is so out in princess dream land and doesn’t get it on so many levels. If I were Joe, I would get rid of more that just the debt. His happy wife doesn’t seem to be making his life too happy anymore.

    • Britters

      Wow Danielle, you’re up early this morning.

      • Lor Lor

        LOL

      • Jasmine

        lolol

      • Jala Peno

        LOL!

    • Diggity

      I’m sure life is very normal when your mom releases her own sex tape, has a rap sheet that includes kidnapping and you’re on a reality TV show. Suuuure!

    • sandasavi

      Oh LaLa, they are all crazy. But, I love that after the Giudice hearing, so didn’t sound too happy with his wife’s shopping spree just before they filed for Bankruptcy. Happy Wife not so Happy Life.

      • Michelle

        I read this comment 3 times and I’m still not understanding the 2nd sentence…

      • Gloria(Jill’s saint of a mother)

        @Michelle…Joe did not sound very happy that Theresa had a shopping excursion before they (Theresa and Joe) filed for bankruptcy. In other words, they are on TV spending, traveling and filing for bankruptcy as well.

    • Callie

      Her girls might love her, but we don’t know that from this show. And they sure don’t love her as much as she loves herself. In fact, nobody ever loved anybody as much as Danielle loves herself. She’s awesome! If Christina has her wits about her, and someone to help guide her whom she can trust, she ought distance herself – somewhat – from her crazy mother as soon as she turns 18. And take poor Jillian with you, C.

    • Ingrid

      Not only is Teresa incredibly stupid, she has horrible taste. Those dresses were butt ugly … and she brags that they were custom made. By whom? Mother Goose!

    • alexis

      i agree, look at joe this season compared to last season! His knuckles are really draggin!..Teresa is just a head case!…Complete moron!

    • Anton4177

      Danielle’s girls are mortified by their Mother – they cannot wait to get out on their own.

    • lori

      OMG! NEITHER OF THESE WOMEN WILL WIN MOTHER OF THE YEAR! Those little UGLY devils (oh wait, i mean “cute’ little girls) looked ridiculous! AND Daniells poor kids..ugh

    • Crystal

      I can’t stand Teresa, even her voice is grating to me now.

      • j

        More annoying than Danielle is definitely Teresa and Ashley. Can barely sit there while they are on. Teresa spends like a drunken sailor. It is uncomfortable to watch the excess.

    • Jenn

      THANK YOU! Someone finally agrees with me.

    • Beth

      I totally agree. Teresa is making clowns out of her kids the way she dresses them and never disciplines them. I think Danielle’s children are well mannered and Danielle is reacting the only way she can, considering they are all ganging up on her. I’m waiting for them to turn on each other…they are backstabbers and that is bound to happen.

  • Julz

    Wtf were those dresses?? Hideous.

    • Nica

      those poor children, they looked like Barbie dolls on crack

      • alexis

        lol!..omg, i had an awful day today, but this blog has put a smile on my face! Barbie dolls on crack!…lol!!!

      • Karen

        They didn’t even look like Barbie dolls. They looked more like those scary Bratz dolls or maybe even Bride of Chuckie. Where do you even buy dresses like that? I can just see it — years down the road when these kids are teenagers and see themselves dressed like clowns — LOL!!!

      • Michelle

        Definitely Bratz dolls…mainly cuz of their eyes…

      • Lisa

        those girls have those scary eyes & brows of their mothers!

  • Brooke

    Theresa dresses her children like muppets. ANIMAL!!!

    On a lighter note, I was happy this episode was a Kim-free zone.

    In response to LaLa, just because Theresa is a terrible mother doesn’t make Danielle any better. I don’t know how thpse girls could ever be happy in that house with their mother’s sex tapes, relationship woes, perennial victimhood, and all around negative energy. Puh-Leeze, indeed!

    • Brent

      When it’s your mother going through it you make the best of it. You only get one mother. Danielle has extreme abandonment issues obviously. The one thing, regardless of what you think about her, she loves her children. And her kids love her. They are a team and because their team is different from yours doesn’t make theirs any less loving or happy.

      • lucas

        Her kids are completely detached from her. They look miserable all the time and are constantly looking for any form of escape than having to deal with her e.g. the text messaging all the time just to avoid having to talk with her.

      • @ lucas

        Terrible example with the text messaging. Even the most well-adjusted teens pay a lot of attention to their phones and computers.

      • Brent

        Have you met a teenager? They are all detached from there parents.

      • lyz

        Her kids are detached b/c talking to her is like walking on egg shells. It’s better to remained detached and offer short phrases of support then to have any meaningful conversation with her. Those kids have learned that detachment is a survival skill.

      • Marti W

        I agree that Danielle’s daughters love her very much. Nearly everyone loves their mother, regardless of how wacko the mom might be, especially if the mom shows love to them. That’s not in dispute, in my opinion. My concern is that the daughters are generally the emotional caretakers, and that’s a tough thing to shake, down the road of life.

      • Mike

        Lord, aren’t most teenagers detached, emberassed of thier parents, overly interesting in texting, etc….leave these kids alone

  • Jenn

    How many times did Danielle have to say Panini. And nice park job.

    And let’s not forget the story in the Post today about Teresa’s 60k spending spree.

    • Luna

      And why did she say Panini so wierdly?

      • dee

        I wondered this too. Paaaaaanini. lol

      • KC

        At least she didn’t say Proverbial Pannini

    • POKEY

      She said “Panini” as many times as she said she “had the hair ripped from my head”…like a bajillion times. AND: Danielle is not exactly unknown: it occurs to me that her mother may be out there and fully aware of her daughter’s existance and does not want anything to do with her..just sayin’

    • Anton4177

      If she said Panini one more time, I would have stuck needles in my eyes! Oh, why can’t someone tell her that more than one woman, is women, not “woman”?

      • Ally

        HAHA that drives me nuts as well

  • Tribunal

    Actually we have seen Danny’s house, I believe it was shown in the first episode where he was introduced. Danielle was there along with the other mob guy with the messed up eye, Danny said something like “we knew it would come to this”

    And can’t wait for next Monday!

  • Paula

    I love the fact that Danielle isn’t interested in meeting the long lost mother if it turns out she’s, among other things, homeless. Nice!

    • Luna

      Yes because Danielle isn’t interested in having to help her mother, this whole thing is purely for selfish reasons. I wonder if she is hoping the mother is going to be wealthy now and will pay her bills.

      • BB

        Completely agree with you Luna. Danielle only wants to find her mother if it’s going to help further her life along…especially financially. She’s a selfish person and those poor kids…They may “love” her but they really obviously don’t like her that much.

      • madisa

        Oh yeah, I think she said she wasn’t in it to better her mother in any way. So much for unconditional love.

    • dee

      I know, right? Homelessness automatically makes you a horrible person, apparently. If I were Danielle’s mother, I’d flee the country, if I hadn’t already. Danielle only wants to find her mom, if her mom can do something for her.

  • Spank me Joe

    I just cannot wait to buy Teresa’s stove and give it to charity. I cannot stand any of them. Danielle is the SHOW. No Danielle No off the charts ratings.

    • Britters

      Danielle is the part of the show that makes me cringe. She’s the part that makes me literally uncomfortable to watch the show. There is something mentally unbalanced about that woman and it’s seriously scary to watch because unlike Kelly from RHONY, she is a dangerous crazy person.

      • Julia

        She makes me cringe but not just because she’s crazy. Mainly, she is not smart, completely humorless, not attractive, not charming, has terrible friends, hangs out in a diner, talks about stupid, boring stuff. It’s like being trapped next to a horrible person on a Greyhound bus – not cool, elegant, funny, over-the-top, just a dismal drag.

      • BB

        And when she wears that god-awful snake dress, she’s even more delusional than normal.

      • LISAGTAKESSHTSATWORK

        Wow dramaqueen of the year award goes to u. How can watching a silly show like this make u feel so umcomfortable? Lighten up francis.

      • Crystal

        Danielle is def. cringe worthy, but I don’t think she’s dumb. She’s smart, street smart, but she’s just so effed up. Now Teresa, that’s an idiot!

      • ROE

        YOU’RE RIGHT SHE’S ABSOLUTELY CERTIFYABLE, THE DEPT. OF CHILDRENS SERVICES SHOULD GET INVOLVED FOR THE FACT THAT HER GIRLS SHOULDN’T BE TOLD ABOUT ANYTHING THAT IS GOING ON WITH HER AND THE OTHER WOMAN, WHERE ARE HER ADULT FRIEND THAT SHE SHOULD BE TALKING TO AND I DON’T THINK THAT HER GIRLS SHOULD BE EXPOSED TO SOMEONE LIKE DANNY WHO I THINK IS A USER(BIG TIME).

  • Tonya

    Did anyone happen to notice that poor little Audriana did nothing but cry during the whole show? Poor baby! But then again if I had to wear those poofy goofy looking head bands I would cry too!

    • Nica

      LOL!

    • pamb

      Yes, Emily was wrong in the recap… poor Audriana had on a terrible headband/poofy flower, too.

  • leslie

    those daughters of hers are ugly in and out . spoiled cry babies . not cute looking or acting

    • jerzeegirl

      I always feel bad talking about children BUT those girls are kinda creepy. I’m thinking it’s just a stage & they’ll be raving beauties. Danielle’s girls seem very sweet and have great depositions despite their mom being quite despicable.

    • teresa

      leslie: They are children! What is wrong with you criticizing little kids? They didn’t ask to be on this show. They didn’t ask to be dressed in those horrible clothes. They probably don’t get paid either. So don’t insult the children.

    • Anton4177

      Leslie – not cool! These kids are in for a tough existence. I happen to think they are adorable. Yes, they may be bratty, but that’s mom and dad’s fault…

  • Ms M

    Danielle is a MESS why would you discuss any criminal activity with your two children. Danny is her personal slave and maybe his payment is her sleeping with him, we will never know. She needs to commited to a Mental Instutition.

    • Jala Peno

      She is a mess and her daughters do look pretty mortified everytime they’re on camera. Her girls seem so normal. They must me smart enough to know that she has some serious problems and not to rock the boat with her. I’m sure they are counting the days to get out (well at least the older one).

      • lyz

        I wonder why their father allows them to be on camera? Certainly this isn’t good for them!

  • Martha

    I realize that BRAVO paid for the Italian vacation, but considering the financial problems Teresa and her family are having was it really necessary to purchase a gargantuan Emerald ring?

    • Julia

      I’m pretty sure that ring was Murano glass – a typical Venetian tourist item and not very expensive at all.

      • lucas

        REAL Murano glass is VERY expensive. Most of the stuff in Venice is cheap Chinese knock offs though.

      • Ann

        It was Murano glass, and Teresa said in her blog that her father in law paid for it.

  • can’t stop

    Danielle off the show, close it down! What else is there? We all know she is the reason we watch, are we to witness all happiness and family love???? My heavens, where is this country going?????? No drama, no fights , no scandal? Life as we know it will cease! Just saying!!!

    • teresa

      Sorry, I do not watch the show for Danielle. In fact, when she’s on screen, I hold up my hand so I can’t see her face and hum to myself while she’s talking.

    • elaine

      Danielle was interesting at first,but, I feel like she is coached about how to make more chaos. It is a very contrived story. I am just so tired of her. I am glad the series is over almost.I will be glad for the next season when it comes along, though.

  • churble

    Is it just me or does Chris get hotter every episode? I’m seriously digging that guy.

    • Sue

      Yes! He has been seriously under-used up until the past few episodes. He seems like a great guy, and that alone makes him hot! Amazing that Ashley turned out to be such a mess with such a good role model.

    • Luna

      Yea and he’s generous, kind, and patient (hello he raised Ashley).

      • Sue

        Exactly, he raised her….which is why it’s hard to believe she turned out to be such a mess.

    • bh

      I find it strange that he never holds or feeds his sons. It’s almost like it’s not his job to do that.

  • DJ

    Forget about it, I just can’t wait for the next ham game.

  • Anna

    Loved J’s comment about the accessory bag! Teresa, stop dressing your kids in those awful outfits, and while you’re at it, stop wearing those tight dresses. They don’t flatter you at all.

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