New Housewives people, and this time it’s political. A few words of intro before we dive in: In this city, “currency is proximity to power.” Mary wins! Colin Powell lives across the street from her. And she may or may not have gotten drunk and played a couple of rounds of doctor at the Kennedy house when she was growing up. Another thing to know about DC is that there are social climbers everywhere. The Bravo producers gave us a big nudge here by flashing on a shot of infamous, ridiculous Michaele and Tareq Salahi, the couple that crashed the White House but like to insist they didn’t really crash the White House. And finally, DC really is known as Chocolate City, which makes it extremely odd that there is only one black cast member. That said, Stacie struck me as the most likable and reasonable-natured of the new cast. This may bode poorly for her—she could find herself pushed aside by more dramatic cast members (see: Atlanta‘s DeShawn) or run off by them (miss you Dina!). Alright, let’s meet the ladies proper-like.
Oh Mary, with your loose curls and gloss and biometric block on your closet, something tells me you would be very comfortable in an exchange program with an OC cast member. Mary doesn’t make money, she spends money. And she winky winky lets us know that she was knocked up before she got married to her genial husband with an impressive collection of silly pants. Mary’s grandfather was a famous broadcaster and her dad was a big-time lobbyist. Did we learn what her husband did? (Other than wake up in the morning and think, God, it’s good to have this pretty head of hair.) At Mary’s birthday party she had too much to drink and got obnoxious. She looked at her black friends that she purposely sat together because she just knew they would hit it off and her eyes got a little misty. But first she threw in a very fresh “Oh no you dihhhnit. Girlfwien!” White women, do not do this. Anyways Stacie and guest looked on with weary expressions as Mary wondered why it was that salons today have to be segregated. Yes, our hair is different. Yes, the technique and training is different. But there’s a wave to ride here with our new administration. A change is gonna come.
As for Cat, she’s here for a good time, not a long time. I’m unsure what she meant: Is she heading back to London at the end of her kids’ school year? Is she sick? Is she deep? Cat has the voice of one Marge Simpson’s sisters. She’s writing a book called “Inbox Full” about her wild life. She loves to talk about her wild life. She’s recently married to Charles, a White House photographer, which means that when she’s at dinner parties with people she doesn’t know she’s showing them pictures of Joe Biden on her iPhone instead of taking a polite drink of offered sake and asking the others about themselves. She cannot forgive President Obama, who did not RSVP for her wedding thank you very much, but he knows everything about the couple’s love affair, for not attending her husband’s award ceremony. “Charles’ shots contributed to him getting elected,” she said to a roomful of the unimpressed. President Bush, a proper gentleman, would’ve been there. Also this is Cat’s Tyra Banks impression: “And you ain’t got it going on baby. And I should get your ass home.” Was this a Top Model challenge that I missed?
Lynda, who runs DC’s top modeling agency (which caters to ambassadors, ewww), is a mini Kate Jackson look-a-like with four grown children and a younger boyfriend who is 6’5, black, and beautiful. She thinks Michaele is too skinny because she can count her bones. (Acceptable in a model, not a friend.) And, in declining the Salahis’ annual invitation to their American Polo Club match she scored the line of the night: “i just have no desire to go back or ever be associated with that little goat rodeo.”
Stacie lives in DC proper and makes a mint working for Sotheby’s Realty. Her husband is hot, her two young children very cute. I would’ve thought Mary would have tweaked her more than Cat but again I think that’s about my short fuse when it comes to “Girlfwien!” She did not appreciate Cat knocking Tyra or Barack one bit, but I think this was more born of irritation at a guest hogging up all the air in the room and blowing it back in a snooty accent. All would be quickly forgiven if Cat could get one of the Obamas to come to her next dinner party.
Finally, there was Michaele, the woman with startlingly straight blonde hair and the torso that just won’t quit. Everything about this woman is long and wrong. She would be more tolerable if she exhibited any sense of humor about herself. If, say, when she said “When people meet me they think ‘God she must have no substance…'” she just stopped there and didn’t pretend to have any. And if she didn’t say things about hugs changing the world. “Yes we can!” If she didn’t interrupt a woman talking about how she works as a lobbyist for healthcare reform with distracted claims of “I love you!” while asserting that she was a lobbyist too because she did it that one day and wow, it’s hard work. Tareq is her Prince Charming and they love hotels and does everyone on this show smoke packs of Merit Lights whenever the cameras aren’t on because these women’s voices are shot.
What do we think? Who do we like, who we like to dislike, and who do we just not like?