Kathy Griffin on Emmy nom: 'I am now pitted against my archnemesis, Ryan f-ing Seacrest'

Already a two-time Emmy winner, Kathy Griffin earned another two nods (Outstanding Reality Program and Outstanding Picture Editing for a Special) yesterday when the ballots were announced. We checked in with the My Life of the D-List star, who took time out of a drop-in visit from Flipping Out‘s Jeff Lewis to talk to us about the nods, her competition, and what we can expect from her speech if she wins. (For inquiring minds, her celebrating mother is still on her first box of wine.)

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: Where were you when you got the news?
KATHY GRIFFIN: I was in bed and — I don’t know how to say this delicately, but I think your publication can handle anything — but I feel like winning an Emmy award is more important than love or family or health. Like, you know when people say, “You’ve got your health”? I disagree. I say, when you got your third Emmy, then you have everything. So, I take the Emmys very seriously. I feel that they define me. When people say that it’s about the work or creating art, I disagree — it’s about getting an Emmy.

So it’s not really about the whole cast and crew, right?
Yeah, screw them. It’s about getting the statue in your hot little hands and then bringing it to your high school reunion. Before you make fun of my little dog and pony half-a–ed reality show on my little fake network where Housewives just throw tables at each other, [realize] my category is f—ing difficult and kickass.

Speaking of, let’s talk about your competition. Let’s start with Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution.
I am now pitted against my archnemesis, Ryan f–ing Seacrest [who co-executive produced Revolution]. I was reeling from the news that my little show had a shot this year. My little crew of seven people, we worked freaking so hard. I got my 90-year-old mother, we’re drilling holes in the water with Levi in Alaska, we’re getting gay teens to go to their first rally, we’re teaching them who Matthew Shepard is. And then I find out that one of my competitors is a show co-executive produced by Ryan Seacrest, which I feel is further proof that he and Oprah are systematically out to get me. They have entered some agreement signed in blood where the two of them are just slowing taking over the universe.

How about Antiques Roadshow?
Antiques Roadshow and I are cowering in the corner, living in fear of Ryan Seacrest and his dynasty. You think Antiques Roadshow isn’t in a dusty garage somewhere sh–ting themselves right now, saying, “Holy f—balls, now we have to worry about pricing bric-a-brac as well as Ryan Seacrest?”

And Dirty Jobs?
Let me just say, I have the dirtiest job in my category. Dirty Jobs has nothing on the level of filth that I will go to in my act at anytime. They can call it Dirty Jobs all they want, [but] if they had to do my job for one day, they would never be clean.

Next, of course, is MythBusters. Your thoughts?
Trying to survive Jeff Lewis walking through your house and judging a remodel – there’s a myth I’m gonna bust right now because I don’t think I can survive it. This may be my last phone call, so tell my mom I love her. Have a box of wine with my mom and take care of the dogs.

And, finally, Undercover Boss.
That’s a really fair fight. My little show with tens of viewers is going against a show that premiered after the f—ing Super Bowl. Are you sh–ting me? What do I have to do? I got a f—ing pap smear on television in stirrups poolside at a hotel. I premiere after Double Exposure, which is the story of a photography team who used to go out, but now wait for Lindsay Lohan to show up, and, guess what, she’s going to be late. This has got to be the craziest category in the Emmys. It’s completely fitting that My Life on the D-List would be up against everything, from the show that premiered after the freaking Super Bowl to a show co-executive produced by Ryan Seacrest.

And you’re nominated for your comedy special, Balls of Steel.
Thank you. Anyone that can edit me really does deserve an Emmy. That should be an easy frontrunner in the category. An editor’s job is to cut down the content, and there’s no way that I wasn’t the most difficult special to edit for that poor guy.

Did you know there is a Katherine Griffin nominated for picture editing for Top Chef?
I’d still go up there to win. Anyone who wins with a name even starting with C or K, I’m going to accidentally run up there. I’m going to get up there by hook or by crook.

Any idea what you’ll say if you win?
Of course I’ve already started writing speeches that I hope will be, let’s say, water-cooler talk. If I win, maybe I would reveal something personal about myself, like, “Because of the strength of this award, I’ve decided to convert to Judaism, therefore ensuring that I would never have to date Mel Gibson. I’m taking one for the industry.” Something like that. Something newsworthy. Something that gives people hope.

Photo: Jaimie Trueblood/Bravo