'The Twilight Saga: Eclipse': A hater's guide

WARNING: The opinions printed below do not necessarily reflect those of the EW staff — or anyone else on Planet Earth. Read the full post.

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  • Madd

    Okay, this article seems to allow me to get this off my chest…
    In Eclipse, Edward asks Bella to marry him every two pages because, really, the author felt she had to give the fans a sex scene but OH NO they have to be married first!
    Also, because she apparently lives in 1950, Bella’s only character motivation is to be with Edward. Bella is so whiney and moody- kind of like Kristin Stewart seems to be- it makes you want to drive your head into a wall. Edward bores you to death. The only somewhat interesting character is Jacob, and even he’s pretty annoying.
    Oh, and there’s some sort of battle…but don’t worry, it’s not important. Really, they serve no purpose.
    And of course, all of the vampires are rich and pretty and perfect. To be honest, Stephanie Meyer should of stuck to writing crappy books about popular high school kids…who am I kidding, she doesn’t even understand grammar. Seriously, who decided to publish this????

    • GrammarNazi

      What’s this you’re saying about Stephenie Meyer knowing nothing about grammar? Perhaps you should *have* quit while you were ahead…

      • Madd

        I’m not trying to be a published author.

      • Livia

        @Madd

        I believe what GrammarNazi was trying to imply is that considering your faults at grammar, you shouldn’t be critiquing someone else’s mistakes. It’s called hypocrisy, regardless of whether or not you’re “trying to be a published author.” That has nothing to do with anything.

      • Madd

        Okay then, just pretend that sentence isn’t there.

      • Merry Bear

        Honestly, let Madd say what she wants; saying Meyer’s writing is poorly written is a fact. I’ve worked as a professional editor for years, and I’m sure my posts are rife with mistakes, and I don’t over-think it. This isn’t my profession, it’s fun and I don’t want to spend twenty minutes figuring out if my posts are up to snuff for the anal among us. Just because Madd isn’t a writer doesn’t mean she can’t recognize poor writing when she sees it.

      • Skip182

        While Madd made a grammatical error, he is not trying to publish a book, nor are they claiming they are a master of english grammar, so I think your criticism of him is a bit much.

      • Madd

        I’m a girl, but thank you very much Skip182.

      • Lisa Simpson

        I think the big difference is that Meyer is supposed to have an editor.

      • Hawk

        I agree with Madd, and it’s just not the awful grammar, but the books lack in vocabulary, plot and originality.

        First up, the “teenager falls in love with a ‘vegetarian’ vampire” has been done so many times before. And, despite the vamp being over 100 years old, her love is requited. Seriously, if a 100 year old guy hit on a 17 year old girl, he’d be branded a pervert and locked up! OH, but it’s okay if the “aged” guy is hot looking, and the fact he is a vampire is just sooo cool! (insert lustful scream!)

        Secondly: The plot is lazy. It’s like the author decided not to be bothered with wrangling with such things as Vampires being mortally affected by daylight: or Werewolves having to wait for a full moon to morph. I don’t mind an original take on a myth, but just to toss them aside to suit the “daylight” hours of teenage characters is laughable. Vamps don’t die in daylight, they glitter!

        Oh, and I forget that Jacob isn’t really a werewolf but a shapeshifter! lmao, that’s like saying, “Okay, I know for three books I’ve told you they are werewolves, and even had my character explain that werewolf myths are just that … myths (which seems to make the New moon title redundant!) but what they really are is shapeshifters, who pretended to be werewolves only because people thought they were!”

        I could go on, but getting that much off my chest is pretty satisfying!

        The books are badly written and the storyline is weak as water, and the films reflect that. But if teenagers (and desperate housewives too, from what I’ve heard) want to scream at Pattinson, and weep at the sight of Lautner’s torso, then I suppose that’s their right … even though it seems pretty pathetic!

      • Lisa Simpson

        I have a question (I only read a few pages of the first book): why is the 100 year-old vampire in high school? Surely he’s learned algebra by now.

      • Ambient Lite

        I’m going to go ahead and answer your possibly sincere question, Lisa. The vampires basically maintain the look of whatever age were when they went from human to vampire. So Edward and his “brothers and sisters” were all in their late teens when they ‘turned’, so to assimilate into society in any given area, they start out in high school and move a few years later, when it’s no longer believable that their looks weren’t subject to change (due to aging).
        So they just go through high school over and over again in different places.

      • Lisa Simpson

        Oh, I understand that vampires retain the ages at which they became the undead (and basic tenent of becoming a vampire and a major plot point in “Interview with the Vampire”). I just don’t understand why someone who’s 100 years ‘dead’ would bother with high school. Surely college would be more interesting, what with all the campus parties and such. And the girls would be of legal age.

      • Ambient Lite

        Ah, yes. Well, I’m with you on that. Maybe they’d be too conspicuous all being in college and NOT drinking. But it seems that at least one of them DOES favor the underage girls…heh

      • jj

        exactly. as if he couldn’t pass for a freshman even if he turned at 16. i went to college with a couple of home schooled 16 year olds. College would definitely made for a better environment for the story. Especially cause then maybe Bella would actually have some conflict bc she was on her way to having a normal life and then meeting the vamp derailed her. Also, the whole Bella saying “I’m different” is bs. What has she ever done to show she’s special except bite her lip and pout? Why would a 100 yr old vamp think she was special? From what I’ve read (even from twi-hards and man i hate that “word”), that is never explained.

      • jj

        Unless, the problem is just that Stephanie Meyer has the mentality of a high schooler and has no comprehension of writing on anything that happens afterwards. Who is this Meyer woman anyways? Is she one of these vapid idiots on that “You’re Cut Off” show? I could see that….

  • Kelly

    Awesome recap from a “Hater.” I fell into the mind-numbing/yet oddly fascinating/money-draining phenomenon that is “The Twilight Saga” last year. Picking cat brains out of her hair … I love that line. It’s so perfect a description of her ‘acting’ skills.

  • Lena Limon

    Took the grandkids to see eclipse, Now I know why they go so crazy..It’s a good movie, they had me watch the new moon, before I saw eclipse..I totaly enjoyed it!

    • insanity

      So you either have to be really old or really young to get into this movie. Got it.

  • HPEWGleek

    Thank you Clark Collis! I despise Twilight! My friends and I don’t understand the frenzy. I mean Robert Pattinson isn’t hot, he’s UGLY! Also, Twilight only became popular when the movie came out. The books had come out years prior and had a cult fan group of teens and tweens that liked it years before any talk of making the books into movies came into play. So thanks again for telling the world that Twilight sucks! I applaud you.

  • Tay

    As a Twilight fan who saw the movie today, I thought this article was HYSTERICAL. I know these are NOT Oscar contender movies, but are just enjoyable fluff fiction. Can’t wait to read your hater’s guide for Breaking Dawn!! LOL

    • insanity

      haven’t seen the other two, but i could barely force myself to watch the original twilight movie. and i am pretty sure i wouldn’t have finished the book (and i’ve read some god awful books just bc i started them…) Enjoyable fluff fiction, it ain’t unless you’re kinda brain dead. Fluff fiction? yes. I just can’t understand why people can’t admit they read a book or saw a movie that they just want to know the end of but they acknowledge it sucks at the same time. I’ve done it before. It’s not that hard.

  • bolanderin

    YES YES YES! clark, you have no idea how happy i am that someone at ew is sane.

  • Laura

    “Not Stewart, though. That girl could win a Willy Wonka golden ticket and I bet she’d still look like she was picking cat brains out of her hair.” I almost died laughing. Spot on! Her lack of talent boggles me.

    • jj

      I think it was bc as a kid actor she was really understated, which is hard to find. But as an adult actor, she lacks nuance. Which, i suppose, is equally hard to find.

  • JayCee

    I’m female… and twihards make me ashamed of that fact.

    There’s not a part of your article that isn’t true Clark!

  • 227

    Thank you! Clark Collis rules! Now I’ll go back to picketing in front of the theater with my “Bella Swan is a poor role model for young women” sign. :)

  • Anonymous

    I was on a flight last week and ‘New Moon’ was the movie. It made me die a little inside. I got about 5 minutes in before switching back to the map showing the plane’s trajectory. It was more interesting.

    ‘Twilight’ Haters Unite!

  • Spud

    Wow, that disclaimer just proves how low EW has sunken. Seriously, if I wanted pop culture garbage like Twilight shoved down my throat every day, I’d go to that sorry excuse of a site called My Life Is Twilight. I’m sure “the EW staff” all are members over there. Seriously, I’m pretty sure the view of “Planet Earth” (at least all the sane, non-teenage girls, anyway) is that Twilight is a dud. Please, stop acting like it’s anything but summer trash.

    • dee

      Oh God, I’ve see that site! Maybe the vampires in these books really are more hardcore than people give them credit for, because I really felt like the life was being sucked out of me as I read that site.

    • Mindy

      Thank you! You think someone at EW would have gotten the point that their readership is not completely swept up in Twilight love after about the 6th Harry Potter v. Twilight poll they have run, in which Harry Potter totally trounces Twilight. (There have been 2 of these within the last month or so alone.) Or, you know, the fact that Twilight isn’t the highest grossing film of the year. In the USA, nor abroad. Nor are the books the best selling books ever, or something. Nor is everyone on planet earth a teenage girl. I am actually now embarrassed to have ever been a teenage girl because of this. Though I am sure I still would have been hater then.

  • Laura W

    Thank god somebody agrees with me that twilight is crap. Maybe EW should do why five reasons why Harry Potter is better than twilight just like TIME did two days ago! Worth a read and its makes total sense!

    • Mindy

      Thanks for recommending that Time article. Just read it.

      BTW, #1 TT on Twitter right now is still “Deathly Hallows”. Twilight/Eclipse are not on the top 10 list.

      • Mindy

        Oh, and for people who haven’t read it, the 5 reasons are:
        1. Better universe
        2. Better acting
        3. Better villains
        4. Healthier attitude towards sex
        5. It’s lasted longer
        I’d say there are at least a dozen more reasons HP is better than Twilight, but those are a good start.

      • dee

        6. Better Climax
        Seriously, you’ve written a series of four books. In the last book, the supposed big finale, you spend most of the book building up to this big fight that’s going to end everyone, then when the big battle is supposed to happen, you have everyone talk a bit, then the “bad guys” basically skip off home, with no consequences or battle whatsoever. And THIS is how you end your “saga?” Biggest cop-out I’ve ever seen. Meyer, grow a pair, and learn to write a convincing battle! And not only that, but it happens in every one of these books! First book: Bella’s passed out for the battle, so we don’t see it. Second book: Honestly nothing much happens at the end. Edward twitches a bit, gets a stern talking-to, and they go home. Third book: Main characters aren’t even there for the battle, and instead, we get a lovely play-by-play from telepathic Edward. Yay! Fourth book: Still no battle, everyone just talks a bit, and in a supreme display of deus ex machina, Alice shows up and loophole! Everyone can go home now! Seriously. Learn to write a climax. You know why I loved the last part of Deathly Hallows? Because I was afraid Harry was going to die! JK Rowling had me convinced that Harry was not going to live just because he was the main character. She created great suspense, and I couldn’t wait to turn the page to find out whether Harry survived or not. The thing with Meyer is that she doesn’t understand how to create suspense! You’re not all that invested in the end, because you know she’s too much of a wuss to actually kill of a character that means anything to anyone, so there’s no suspense whatsoever. And also, the end is so long and drawn out and badly paced, that you end up not really caring what happens, because oh my god, you’ve been reading about this fight for hours and it should’ve happened a hundred pages ago, and can you please just get on with it already??! That’s how you feel at the end of that fourth book. I repeat, Meyer, grow a pair! And get an editor that will do her job, instead of massaging your ego! You’re not writing the next War and Peace, for goodness sake!

      • Ambient Lite

        #1 on Twitter means…what?? I hate Twitter.
        Anyway, I totally agree, Dee – people can pick apart the writing, the characters’ relationships’, the writer’s religious influence…and while some of those arguments have SOME degree of merit, the BIGGEST problem is that the series completely fizzles out at the end. Breaking Dawn is a dud.
        The story ends for me at Eclipse, and the movie really was fantastic, it did not disappoint.

      • Emma

        Love it or hate it (I hate it, personally), Twitter is still a fairly accurate gauge of what’s currently popular or creating a lot of buzz at the moment.

      • dee@Ambient Lite

        Honestly, the pacing issue is a problem in all of her books. I really think that if the editor would’ve taken every pertinent thing from all four books and combined them, you’d probably have two long-ish books and a shorter one. I really think she should’ve just stopped after the first one, but nooooooo, Meyer HAD to have Renesmee in there, didn’t she? lol

      • Ambient Lite

        Ha, totally. I could hardly get through BD after devouring the first 3 very quickly – second place in the slow race would have to go to New Moon.
        You know, I don’t want to crash the hater’s guide or anything, but I will say that one of the most obvious improvements on the movie side with Eclipse is that it kept pace beautifully. Never a lull, never a dragging dialogue.

  • Kiki

    Thanks, that made me laugh! However, not sure why we needed the disclaimer, as there aren’t any disclaimers before the mindless Twilight praise that is usually posted. Just saying.

  • Zoey

    Honestly, why is there a disclaimer? So the Twi-hards don’t flay you alive?

    • Emma

      But didn’t you know? They don’t read or comment on articles for things they don’t like! I mean, they’ve proclaimed it so many times on other articles. If that’s the case, I doubt Clark would have anything to worry about, since, according to what they say, this article probably hasn’t even slid across their corneas. lol

  • Mike

    OMG, barbed-wire enima. Absolutely Brilliant!!! I can’t believe this dang movie grossed 30 million in midnight ticket sales… Oh well, just wait until Deathly Hallows has its midnight showing. That trailer is epic and there is no way that movie is not going to outgross this one!

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