Paula Abdul's 'Idol' finale speech to Simon Cowell: Pure poetry.

paula-abdulImage Credit: Vince Bucci/FoxHey, Paula. Paula, Paula, Paula. Last night, during your goodbye speech to Simon Cowell, you showed the world why season 9 of American Idol has been so lacking. Why the series this season hasn’t boasted the same spark and awe of years past. Simply, it’s because your mere absence has sucked the joy out of the entire show.

And if you think I’m joking, you’d be wrong. I have been yearning for Paula’s infectious presence all season long — Idol is not Idol without a good dose of battiness. So what better way to celebrate her appearance on the show last night than to revive The Poetry of Paula Abdul one last time? After the jump, read Paula’s final Idol-centric poetic masterpiece, which she performed on last night’s finale. Really, it’s like reading Walt Whitman reincarnated!

That’s So Paula.
(Alt. Title: Where’s the Hook, Please?*)

Simon, I’ll get to you
in a minute.
Thank you everyone. Thank you so much.
It’s fantastic being here tonight.
I really miss everyone. Hello judges!
Randy.
You look charming tonight. It’s great seeing you.
Hi Ellen.
I love you.
Wanna dance?
Kara, you look beautiful tonight.
Where’s Ryan?
Ryan,
wherever you are? You’re so –
you’re so cute, and I want my lip gloss
back!
And Simon.
That’s all I’ve got.
Goodnight, everybody.
Okay. Who are we
kidding?
Let’s face it: The only reason they wanted me back here
tonight
was so I could tell all of you the
real reason
why I left.
But I don’t think that’s what
tonight
is all about, is it?
Although
I will tell you this:
There’s a baby backstage with Simon’s haircut, and
sweetheart,
it’s your turn to feed him.
Look
Simon,
my darling
Simon,
I’ve worked with a lot of people over the years.
Hot cheerleaders,
big movie stars,
world-famous recording artists.
Even a
cartoon cat.
But if I’m being truly honest,
none of them holds
a candle
to you,
my friend.
Our relationship on the show,
and I call it a partnership, really,
Simon,
I do call it a partnership,
even though I know you’d like think of it as more of a
teacher-student thing,
right?
No,
it’s a partnership.
But it’s brought me
immeasurable joy.
I’ve loved all
the fun
we’ve had together.
I’ve loved all
the laughter
we’ve shared together.
No,
American Idol is not going to be
the same
without you.
But as only I can tell you,
it will
go
on.

*Alternate title created by Michael Slezak. I, for one, would never give Paula the hook — especially if it meant I didn’t have to listen to Lacey Brown butcher “Beautiful.”

Comments (52 total) Add your comment
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  • Agustin

    It was painful to watch. After an impressive and kind of surprising entrance, her speech was dumb and too flat. It was like a poorly memorized script, lacking just being funny. But hey, that’s Paula!

    • Jake

      Although I appreciate your freedom of speech I don’t understand why you have to be so mean and stupid. Tell me…is it the liberal in you that is making you so irrational and downright acerbic?

      • TankieGirlie

        wtf does politics have to do with anything??

  • California

    Love the dress!

  • AD

    She started out strong and I was rooting for her, but then she seemed to lose steam and looked a bit lost in her eyes.

  • TorontoTom

    She was an embarrassment as usual.

  • Madd

    I MISS HEY PAULA.

  • Ceballos

    Poor Paula…she looked great, but that speech went off the rails pretty quicky.

    Maybe Paula should’ve used a backing track (like Janet did) to deliver that “speech.”

  • Daniel

    I know Cowell,Paula and the show would have gone on forever..were it not for that Jungle rap filth.
    It demeans Black women. D

  • mommydearest

    Separated at birth?
    Simon’s girlfriend and Paula???

  • idolusedtobegood

    Paula: Nice job! Your tribute was lovely.

    Yep…AI will indeed go on without You and now Simon but TANK it will!!

  • Ceballos

    …also I just realized from this pic that Simon’s haircut makes his head look pretty much like a rectangle. Do people tell him that looks good?

  • Tyler

    Paula is great in everyway. We can’t all be perfect so stop bashing her. Idol has not been the same without her and now ofcourse it will not get the same attention and rating without Simon also. I love watching IDOL, but over the past few months, I have followed it less and less until last night just to see the winner and Paula. That tells me the show is drawing less and less interest from everyone. I hope to see Paula and Simon on another show together.

    • Tina

      I agree with you, Tyler, but I want AI to go on for at least another 9 years because it’s great to watch and discover new talent, with us, the viewers, being the main judges, as Simon rightly pointed out. What AI need to do is go all the way, meaning make the show not only be about discovering talent but also about putting the best record/album together for whoever wins, and we get to have a say in what records we want to listen to and buy.

  • coco

    She looked so hot! I have dres- envy.
    Other than that,Paula should shut up!

    • coco

      dress

  • mark

    If Simon were to judge her speech, he would say ‘that was like when your drunken uncle gets up to toast you at your wedding and you wish he’d stop speaking before he embarasses himself and everyone around him. You hold your breath and keep praying for him to stop talking and leave already.’

    • Mandie

      Actually, if you watch the video … And I mean ACTUALLY watch it. Simon is mesmerized by Paula. He loved her speech. Hint: “Glad to have this little one back.” He was smiling the whole time through.

      *Sigh* I love when people talk and don’t know the truth behind anything.

  • Katrina

    She looked foxy as hell and Simon couldn’t keep his eyes off her. When her speech ended ‘it will go on’ I’m not sure she was only speaking about the show – wink!

  • orville

    I almost expected her to appear with the back up singers during Janet Jackson’s performance of “Nasty Boys” since she choreographed and appeared in the original video. Would have been a nice little tribute to that.

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