'Jersey Shore': Last night's top 10 amazingly ridiculous lines

Aside from The Situation’s quipping, a lot happened in this episode. Despite only knowing each other for less time than it takes to mail a letter cross-country, Sammi and Ronnie’s tearful argument somehow managed to feel surprisingly genuine. Pauly D spent the episode as a supporting player in a Situation comedy, as he and Mike brought two separate sets of girls (four in total) back to the house and had to figure out how to juggle them all for maximum Jacuzzi time. It was so farcical, I kept expecting a bewildered Don Knotts to throw open the door and yell, “What’s going on in here!”

But of course, the most important element of this week’s episode was what they didn’t show, namely the punch seen ’round the Net. The cynic in me would say that MTV’s decision to show Snooki’s attack in last week’s promo but cut it out of the episode itself was just a blatant attempt to exploit and sensationalize violence against women for ratings without having to deal with the consequences. Luckily, that can’t be the case since we all know that MTV programming is the height of good taste and restraint. Right, Tila Tequila? Right?!

In any case, there were quite a few fantastic one liners this week.  So, without further ado, I present to you, in order of ridiculousness, this week’s Top 10 Moments in Guidocity:

10. “I was trying to put you in the equation. Like, you, in the equation!” – Ronnie, to Sammi

9. “You have to stay fresh to death.” – Pauly D, on his tan/exercise/hair regimen

8. “The friggin’ duck-phone” – Snooki, having difficulty replacing the receiver

7. “Pauly D. was with the grenade.…When you go into battle, you need to have some friends with you, so that just in case a grenade gets thrown at you, one of your buddies takes it first.” – The Situation, reflecting poignantly on a less-than-pulchritudinous girl

6. “I would so do your dishes, but I’m not even doing that right now.” – The Grenade, to Pauly, with absolutely no double entendre intended

5. “This little shrimp thing is, like, bopping around.” – Sammi, on Snooki’s dancing

4. “I’m hooking up with my girl. Pauly is hooking up with his girl. And we’re going to have sex, that’s the situation.” – The Situation, ostensibly meaning that he and Pauly were going to have sex with the girls and not with each other.

3. “I’m like, chill out, Freckles McGee.” – The Situation, on a girl who wants to go home instead of hooking up

2. “Mike would bang a Gatorade bottle if it had a pulse.” — Ronnie, on The Situation’s low standards and what is apparently the most frightening Gatorade bottle ever

1. “He’s a really good guy. That’s the kind of guy I need in my life. I think his name is Ron.” – Snooki, on her new friend, Russ

Any we missed from last night, PopWatchers? Are you still into the Shore three episodes in?

Comments (58 total) Add your comment
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  • Elizabeth

    I only caught/was subjected to a few minutes of this, but the details that Pauly needed to go into about why his chick wasn’t going to have sex were enough to make me flip to the Weather Channel.

    Honestly, I’d LOVE MTV to try and do a ‘dry’ reality show and give back to humanity a little self-respect. Give it a whirl, see if it works.

  • Tammi

    OMG! You guys come on this is the best reality show ever. What makes it so good, is I really think it’s real. These people are such characatures of themselves they need no “scripting” like the hills, city etc. This is pure entertainment. The only line you didn’t have was when jwow’s boyfriend called Pauly D the douche bag with the blow out. I almost peed my pants!

    • Alex

      Yo! LOL. That’s too funny. He said that dude had a blow out. Dang, LOL.

  • LT

    As a full blooded Italian American, I am totally fascinated with this show. It’s like they came from a Lost World. They are every Italian stereotype rolled into one huge pepperoni ball. People need to lighten up- everyone knows Italians that are like this,and everyone also knows Italians aren’t ALL like this. That’s the situation. Oh, and Pauly’s hair should have a show to itself. Actually all of them have hair that defies sensibility.

  • Joe

    “It was so farcical, I kept expecting a bewildered Don Knotts to throw open the door and yell, “What’s going on in here!””

    ROFL!!! I smell a YouTube video…

    • OldD

      LMAO, now THAT’s my favorite quote. Sadly, I think some of the young readers may not know who the heck is Don Knotts!

  • Dave W

    ‘pulchritudinous’ are you serious, must have had your word for the day for Intellectual snobs out today! ps i always look up words when I don’t know the meaning.

    • jo

      I thought the same thing! You’re writing about an MTV show centered around idiots and that is the word you choose to describe a butta-face?

    • wooster182

      That was the point of using the word. He was calling them all stupid.

    • steve

      Pulchra, pulcher, pulchrum… Latin for beautiful, good-looking, fine, etc… I’m sure you can figure out pulchritudinous.

    • Katja

      Dave W, are YOU serious? My god, is it really that terrible that you actually had to spend 5 seconds looking up a word and expanding your vocabulary? Seriously, I had to google it and it could not have taken more than 5 seconds. And maybe it’s just me, but I actually like learning new things sometimes. Also – why does Keith have to dumb down his writing just because he’s writing about a show full of dumb people? My apologies if I misunderstood your meanings, Dave and jo, but it sure sounded like complaining about using a big word, which is just so lame.

      • Maret

        I have a master’s degree in English and I had to look it to remind myself. JS is my new guilty pleasure.

    • BlackIrish4094

      They even used that word in Bugs Bunny cartoons so it’s no big deal.

  • Jen

    I love this show so much. It makes me happy. I am not sure what that says about me as a person.

    • Mr. FAMU

      It says you think Rock of Love is so 2000 and late and Jersey Shore is so 2000 and the future of reality TV lol

    • Nounou

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  • mike

    How did you miss Ronnie saying – ‘Yea we smushed’. Referencing Sammie and him hoooking up.

    • LT

      We SMUSHED!!!!!!LOLOLOLOL!

  • Diggity

    Hey- Flavor Flav is VH1s responsibility, not MTV. Youc an’t blame them for everything!

    Love Jersey Shore.

    • Karen

      Viacom owns VH1, BET, MTV and a few others so you can blame them.

    • Oprah’s Minge

      @Karen, then blame Viacom not MTV. Flava Flav is on VH1. The point is moot anyway, because Jersey Shore is probably the absolute nadir of this type of entertainment (if you can call it entertainment). I thought Chance of Love was as bad as it gets but this show set a new low.

    • Keith Staskiewicz

      You are, of course, correct. The sins of the parent company shouldn’t be visited upon the son. It’s been fixed.

  • Sina

    I just love this show. This is MTV’s first good reality show in a long time. But I wonder. MTV decided not to show Snookie getting punched in the face but showed Jowahh(whatever her name is) getting into a fight next week. I LOVED seeing how Jowahh(whatever her name is) whooping that dude that punched Snookie. She grabbed him and started going at it. Loved it. That whole grenade thing was just too funny. Although it was so embarassing to watch that girl be embarassed on tv. That was awful to watch people calling her ugly on tv. Just imagine what happened when she watched that episode last night. Loved Snookie dancing. Ronnnie and Sammi are so cute. The Situation had some game last night but Ronnie was right, all his women have been ugly.

  • terry

    You know, I remember years ago watching Walker Texas Ranger and just laughing at the ridiculousness of it. But you guys would go out of your way to ignore it because you felt it was lame. Then conan comes along and Walker becomes hip. So why do you continue to promote such crap like this and the kardashians. i’ve never seen this show but caught your clip of Leno. Junk like this makes me glad I don’t have cable.

  • SLB

    That punch was the only reason i was going to watch these idiots.

  • nick

    “Yea we Smushed” def belongs on there

  • jocelyn

    Oh man, the quote where the Situation says something like, “You gotta be in the gym for at least an hour a day. Because, I mean I’m in there for an hour and a half, working on my fitness”

    • TheCHIMP

      +1 on that one!

      The way Sitch used “fitness” as a noun was grammatically correct yet still very funny. ie: I work on my spanish vocabulary, work on my photoshop project, and work on my fitness.

      • BP

        Um, it was a play on Fergie’s song, genius.

      • Nat

        Fitness IS a noun, moron. What do you think it is, a verb?

    • michelle

      That’s good=)

  • Ceballos

    Nice recap, Keith.

    However, you missed the true top quote of the evening:

    1. “My girl was f—ing busted!” – by the fantastically direct and succint Pauly D. I almost literally fell out of my couch laughing when he said that.

    Also, when I heard your #10, was I the only one who thought “the equation” was a new cast member brought in to replace Angelina?

  • diana

    it’s like a bad wreck…. I try not to watch…but I keep turning back!! This group is funnier & funnier every week…I’m hooked

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