Look, I wasn’t a huge fan of Adam Lambert’s now infamous American Music Awards set — the groping and kissing and simulated fellatio seemed more cynical than sexy to me, and Adam admitted himself (in the video embedded below) that his vocal was “kind of a mess” — but from the subsequent fallout at ABC, you’d think the guy had crushed a trio of baby penguins under the heel of one of his fabulous platform boots. I mean, it seemed a wee overzealous when the network pulled the plug on Adam’s Good Morning America concert a few days after the AMAs, but yesterday’s news that the network has now canceled Lambert’s Dec. 17 Jimmy Kimmel Live appearance, and according to Lambert, a slot on Dick Clark’s New Years Rockin’ Eve, has advanced the situation to the point of the ridiculous. (“We decided not to move forward with the booking at this time,” a network spokesperson said of the Kimmel cancellation, while declining comment on NYRE, which, incidentally, has yet to announce its lineup.) Let’s keep in mind that ABC is the home of allegedly family-friendly Dancing With the Stars, where popular pro Derek Hough celebrated a win this past season in the “Group Mambo” round by forcibly thrusting partner Joanna Krupa‘s head into his nether-regions. (Lambert fans are also dismayed that their man has become a possible FCC pariah despite the fact that Pink and a male dancer executed a similar “please come closer and examine my zipper” dance move — with tongue! — during the 2004 Billboard Music Awards on Fox.) Lambert, for his part, is remaining philosophical and chipper — “Yes, sadly friends, ABC has canceled my appearances on Kimmel and NYE. : ( don’t blame them. It’s the FCC heat,” he Tweeted yesterday — but I can’t help but wonder if ABC hasn’t devised an entire 2010 public-relations campaign based around snubbing the American Idol season 8 runner-up. If they intend to go this route, here are a few sample press-release headlines they can use to get started:
* Adam Lambert to join ABC’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve telecast live from Times Square — in stocks! Local school children will “teach that gay a lesson” using eggs, jeers.
* ABC scraps special SuperNanny episode featuring Adam Lambert. “There’s not a naughty step in the world big enough for that petulant young man!” gasps exasperated Jo Frost.
* Dancing With the Stars bans Adam Lambert tunes from show. “I wasn’t sure about some of those high notes anyway,” says a relieved Princess Sparkle.
* Ugly Betty revokes guest-starring role for Adam Lambert. “See? Some things are actually too gay for this show,” huffs spokesperson.
* Adam Lambert to play key role in ABC’s FlashForward. Main characters will see a future where his career ceases to exist!
What do you think of LambertGate ’09? Is ABC justified in spanking the polarizing singing star, or is the network seriously overreacting? Has the situation changed your feelings toward Lambert and/or ABC? Sound off on those thoughts — and brainstorm some additional anti-Adam press release ideas — in the comments section below. And for all my Idol coverage, follow me on Twitter @EWMichaelSlezak. [Related: A track-by-track analysis of Adam's For Your Entertainment CD; Idol's Allison Iraheta sings an exclusive, acoustic version of "Don't Waste the Pretty"; and Kris Allen discusses writing and recording his self-titled debut disc.]