Dudes. If this wasn’t straight-up the worst episode of Top Model ever, I don’t know what was. Really and truly: I think this was rock bottom. Which is maybe good, because that means next week (and next cycle, I guess? hope?) will have to be better, and that gives us all something to look forward to. But for now, we’ll have to do the difficult — the nearly unthinkable, really — and look back, back, back into the bleak abyss that was this week’s episode. I call it H-to-B recapping: head to barf.
On the way back from last week’s elimination, Erin’s Wisconsin accent takes steroids and becomes a helldemon sent here to warn us of the danger ahead. But do we heed this warning? We do not. Instead, Nicole tells us solemnly that Erin “does not have the mentality” for modeling, too concerned is she with others’ opinions. Nicole says she sees herself in the final two with Jen; I wonder if her Bloody Eyeball can see into the future! (Spoiler: It can’t.)
Laura again mentions her history of bull castration, which is getting a little boring, and Jennifer complains that she doesn’t “usually succeed” in what she tries. Uhoh, Jennifer; there’s about to be a new page in your shame journal. Sorry.
This week’s challenge: hula hip-hop. As a faithful follower of America’s Best Dance Crew, I have seen many a dance genre combined with other genres, but I can say with confidence that hula hip-hop is just hula dancing followed by hip-hop dancing. It’s not much of a blend, and I’m convinced that there’s no actual music playing while that group of cheerful women dance. Where would the music be coming from? They’re standing in a park. I did not see any kind of boombox (OMG I’m so old) or speakers or anything. [Note: I think we were all more interested in where this music could possibly be coming from than we were in the actually dancing, right? Right.]
The contestants are asked to learn a short routine and then do dance solos, because dancing is super important in modeling; in years past, I’ve never heard Tyra criticize a photo for looking too dance-inspired, or to tell a girl to think more like a model or less like a dancer. Never, never. Just kidding! Ugh. Erin boasts about her “semi dance background” as a high school cheerleader, which she then tries to rub in everyone’s face by “tuh-RIII-eng” (whine translation: trying) to help them. I’m the worst dancer ever — just ask the bartender of any bar I’ve, oh, ever been to — but even I would not accept Erin’s sulky, obnoxious instruction. Also, it’s tough to learn a dance not in front of a mirror. I’ve seen A Chorus Line! I know things!
Jennifer is up first, and she makes faux sexyface the whole awkward time; Erin is gawky and skeletal; Laura is ebullient if somehow off; and Nicole is just plain awful. Laura wins, and as a prize gets a five-day trip back here to lovely Hawaii, and she decides to bring Jennifer. When they said “bring a friend,” I thought they meant a friend from home, which would be a vastly superior prize, no offense Jennifer’s paralyzed eye. There’s a valuable lesson here, Model watchers: If you gently rub aloe on a friend’s legs when she’s so sunburned she could credibly go to an emergency room for treatment, she may return the favor by taking you on a paradise vacation. Suck it, French braids! Suck it.
At the photoshoot, Mr. Jay and his surprisingly muscular legs tell the ladies that two of them will be eliminated this week. Drama! (Oh, if only.) Nicole correctly calculates — without the help of eliminated mathematician Brittany — that that’s half the remaining girls. Don’t worry, Nicole. Don’t you worry. This week’s theme is Pele, the Hawaiian goddess of volcanoes according to the show, and of volcanoes, fire, lightning, dance, and violence, according to other sources. The shoot embodies this by putting the girls in, er, flowy dresses and having them stand on a rock at the beach. Because it’s about timing! Wait, what?
Jennifer bombs because she insists on retaining the “Barbie feet” lesson from last week, which apparently does not translate to this week’s shoot. Nicole crushes it (even the photographer says “Jay just peed his pants”), Laura looks much blonder than she did at the beginning of the episode, and Erin sings a song in her head. She says it’s a “pop song like teenagers listen to,” which I guess would sound disparaging had she not spent so much time reminding us that she’s 18.
At judging, the ladies can’t seem to agree on how formal they’re supposed to dress. Nicole is wearing like, a cocktail dress, while Erin is in schlubby shorts, and Laura is called out for dressing badly, even though she’s wearing a plain t-shirt, Tyra delivers the news while wearing a blousey beige jumpsuit. If there’s a more unflattering, hideous garment on Earth, I can only assume that’s what she’ll wear next week. (Please not jeggins. Please…not…jeggings…). Anyway, modeltestants, it’s called a consensus, please feel free to reach one.
Erin’s photo is very pretty, though the judges find her “disingenuous.” Jennifer’s photo is kinda bad, and in addition to her paralyzed eye, it seems she has a paralyzed lower jaw. Laura is deemed Sports Illustrated, but she just looked stunned to me. And too shiny. Nicole’s photo is gorgeous, obvs, and she looks a little bit like Becki Newton to these tired eyes.
Tyra then confuses “easy” and “hard.” Or maybe she just doesn’t know what “editing” means. She complains that Erin’s photos weren’t easy to edit, because they were so crappy except for the one really good shot. Which actually means that they were incredibly easy to edit — no muss, no worry; you know exactly which one to pick. That’s easy, Tyra. To be a challenge, there would have to be too many good options. Maybe if Tyra spent less time coining and trademarking meaningless phrases and more time focusing on what the phrases we already have actually already mean, we’d, I don’t know, find the rainbow connection or something.
This week’s winner: Nicole! Tyra claims Laura is “not amazing” in person, which is a dirty lie, but she emerges victorious — and weepy — anyway. In bidding farewell to Erin and Jennifer, Tyra promises she’ll never forget the photoshoot where Jennifer asked “‘can I breath?’,” which is great, except that she asked if she could scream, so Tyra has clearly already forgotten it. Ahaha, that Tyra.
I was a little sad to see Jennifer get autotune yodel’d off (not you, Erin!), but then her montage of sadness was atrocious: Her mouth hangs open in every single shot, and we all know that paralyzed eye was going to slow her down eventually.
So here we are with the final two: Kenneth the Page and Fake Julia Stiles. Who are you pulling for, PopWatchers? And are you with me on this being the worst-ever episode of ANTM?
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Although I love Laura and this is the first time in the history of my watching that my fav gor into the final two, HER “photo” was awful. There had to be a better one!
er, GOT, not gor. Sorry
Got, not gor. Sorry
I, too, was very happy Laura made it to the final two, but I think there is very little chance she will win. Nicole has been on top too many times. I totally agree that this episode sucked, though. These girls are definetly getting short shrift (pun intended) – no go sees, no international location, etc. And I seriously wanted to kick my tv everytime someone said “Smeyes” – seriously, folks, STOP IT! It will not catch on, just let it go!
And the irony is that “smile with your eyes” DID catch on, even if it was usually used ironically or at least in a goofy way among the people I know. Leave it to Tyra to try too hard to muddle things up when they are working fine as it is.
The did go on go sees, but it was early on
I, too, HATE the term “smize”, especially since smiling with your eyes is not neccessarily what they’re called to do. What the judges are really asking for is just that the emote with their face rather than looking bored or dead.
Margaret, from your previous comments, I don’t think you would have been satisfied unless one of the contestants drew blood from another. The instances of Tyra-think that you reference are standard Top Model. I hope you move on to another EW gig next time — maybe one of those vampire shows.
Naw, I think she was (like most of us) not taking this “contest” seriously. I think that Margaret, like me, enjoy watching the show for the reasons that it is so bad.
1. The self-promoting useless word vomit from Tyra.
2. Seeing girls with no make up on get gorgeous like the rest of want.
3. The over the top outfits, which no one in real life would be caught wearing for anything less than 50,000$
I think the recapper in her inner most secret soul has the same self loathing that the rest of us have for watching this show and that’s why she writes the way she does. I for one like it. Funniest recapper now that Josh Wolk has flown.
It may have been the worst episode ever, but your recap was the funniest ever! So, it was worth it. And I love Laura so I’m happy that she gets to be in the final with Nichole.
Does anyone remember the Weekenders clothing line? That’s what Tyra’s jumpsuit reminded me of. Hideous!!
This is by far one of the funniest recaps EVER. I think I peed MY pants!!
I did not hate this episode. I laughed several times. Watching the girls try to dance was great. Even Erin, who thought she was the best, was so bad. But Nicole, how does she even walk?? I was crying laughing at her. And my favorite part was when the fake and annoying Erin was kissing the photographers butt, and hit her head on the light. Great TV! I love Laura. Modeling will ruin her sweetness later, but you just want to hug her right now (except when she talks about castration)
Did anyone else think that Tyra purposefully chose a not-great picture of Nicole? After all the awesome stuff we saw in the episode, Jay peeing his pants, etc, she chose THAT picture? In my opinion, Nicole is about as much of a slam-dunk as I’ve ever seen on this show.
I totally agree with Jen. I did think that Tyra chose a bad pic to possibly give Erin a chance as it is obvious she was given preferential treatment throughout the comp.
I agree but I thought it was just to not make it a clean sweep for Nicole when she wins next week. They’ll compare Nicole’s and Laura’s pics and they’ll say Laura’s pic was better to create a little “suspense” as to who will actually win. Then again they may pick Laura to win because for that same “dramatic” affect.
So true Jen! I was thinking the same thing when they showed that picture! You know there HAD to be way better photos…that’s something that constantly irritates me-why is Tyra the only one who can choose the picture? Why can’t we have a couple of times where the girls choose their own photo or when Mr. Jay chooses since he is the director on the shoots?
I definitely thought Tyra pulled a fast one with Nicole’s photo. But I also think this isn’t the first time she’s done it. There have been countless times Mr. Jay has given a model praise on the set and predicted she would have a fierce photo, only for her to go to judging and her “best” shot was bad and they picked it apart. You’d think that since we see Jay looking at the images as they’re being taken and he presumably knows what he’s doing, the producers would know that the viewers are gonna catch on to their shenanigans.
I think if Jay is in charge of the shoot, he should be the one doing the editing. And I concur that Tyra has picked some really crappy shots. And does anyone think Tyra really slogs through the couple hundred photos to pick the “best”? Wouldn’t that make her judging a little, um, I don’t know, biased? Yet another reason for Jay to edit.
We said the same thing when we watched it. Jay should definitely be choosing the photo, not Tyra!
this season’s final two remind me of Ana and Whitney with Nicole being Ana and Laura being the Whitney. I have a hunch that Laura will be the surprise win since Whitney won.
I agree, I wouldn’t be surprised if Laura won. Top Model in a little predictable in trying to be unpredictable.I knew Whitney was goign to win because Tyra really wanted a plus size model to win and Whitney made it further than any other Plus size on the show. On the other hand,I don’t remember a red head ever winning the show so Nicole will bring something different to the collection of winners.
the other nicole that won against nik, wasnt she a redhead?
I’m so glad that Nicole got through… She’s my fave and should definitely win the whole thing but just because she’s in the Top all the time doesn’t mean she has a better chance.
E.G. Britain’s Next Top Model had a girl called Jade in the last series. The photographers loved her and she was never in the bottom two until two weeks before the final. Her photo was great but they eliminated her because she was….too Skinny. I didn’t care who won after that because whoever won over Jade didn’t deserve to win at all.
I’ve actually enjoyed this season, but yeah this was a bad episode. I like having three in the finale. It would have been nice to see a Cover Girl shot of Jennifer
In judging, Jennifer recieved Tyra’s critique that in many of her photos she stood like a little girl pretending to model – holding out her skirt showing ‘look, I’m a model’. Tyra stated she couldn’t choose those, yet Erin’s photo is exactly that – holding out her skirt showing ‘look, I’m a model’. This only proves once again, how inconsistent and nonsensical the judges are. They say one thing to one girl only to negate it when speaking to the next. How is a wannabe model supposed to keep things straight? Jennifer was probably wondering the same thing…
Concerning the clothes at panel: I’m fairly certain Nicole has been wearing the clothes she won at the go-sees challenge to panel. That’s why her outfits look so different from the others…they’re actual designer clothes. And I’m sorry, but Laura does consistently look awful at panel. Yes she was wearing shorts and a T-shirt, and individually they may have been fine, but they didn’t go together at all (which is what the judges said). As a finalist and (theoretically) a long-time viewer of the show, Laura really should know what’s appropriate at panel by this point.
That being said, I love that Nicole and Laura, my favorites all along, made it to the top 2. It’ll be interesting to see how they fill the hour next week without the extra elimination panel in the middle of the episode.
maybe its because the clothes are their own and they have little money. its always pointed out lauras grandmom makes her clothes, so that supports my theory.
Laura is the least attractive person left…by far. Her pic was off-putting and the panel gushes over her. So it’s no wonder she’s a finalist. Jennifer is gorgeous. So it’s no surprise she’s gone.
Huh??!! Laura is the most beautiful girl out of the 4 that was left, she is real, and has a wonderful personality. she has never whined, or put any of the other girls down, she has never been “catty” about anything and is so happy to be there. jennifer is pretty but not gorgeous….sorry
dudes(how old are we?)… this show is getting stale.
I was rooting for Laura and expecting Jennifer. They’re both nice girls and I wouldn’t have been disappointed with either, as models. (I’d have been disappointed if Laura lost based on her personality.) But in Jennifer’s montage, it’s painfully obvious she suffers from trout-mouth.
hehe, “shut your month Jennifer” Even Jay had to tell her with the suprise double elimination news
i love jay, but he can sure be a thorn in my behind sometimes if you know what i am saying hehe. but i do have to say i agree with jennifer that whole double elimination stunt was messed up i mean how can they cut my favorite show short by double eliminating i now do not get to watch my favorite show in two weeks on wednesday. Robin now to comment on your comment. hehe is never to be followed by shut your mouth that is just mean and my hero tyra would have nothing to do with that kind of language. at least now i will get to watch my second favorite show on wednesday nights DESTROY BUILD DESTROY!!!!!!!!
Trout mouth – so true! Sort of like porn star mouth (Brittney Cycle 3)
i want you to remember that in the final episode of last seasons’ finale..naima didnt do so well all through the season.. and the girl we went up against rocked it all the way through..but naima rocked the runway at the end.. and the other girl made a couple of slight mistakes.. and naima won it all.. so dont discount laura winning it. but my hopes are pinned on nicole. she has the type of qualities that stand out. and that red hair is on the top of the list.. she does everything shes told to do in direction .. she stands tall and proud.. and stretches her body to maintain that long look that the judges are searching for.. so i look for nicole to win it all..itll be close… but watch out.. anything can happen..
wasnt last seasons finale teyona and allison?
I have so much to say about this episode, but I’ll just try to hit the highlights. Why all this dancing? Why isn’t Miss J (can someone please make him go away, the puffy sleeve thing is – and never was – funny) doing more runway coaching? I don’t get it. Here we are down to the final four (soon to be two) and they have hardly done any runway at all. When the final judgment depends mostly on runway performance, you’d think they’d be doing more of that and less hula dancing. That was pretty darn cruel when Miss J imitated Natalie, I felt sorry her her. Also, I don’t get why they (Tyra-nt) chose that photo of Natalie above all the others that Jay came close to peeing in his pants over. You mean to tell that ghastly pose was her best photo?
i think you mean Nicole not Natalie.
Probably because these shorty models won’t be doing much runway. Did you catch the fashion show at the beginning of the season where they had to walk alongside the “normal sized” models? It looked like a mother-daughter fashion show!
The photo that Tyra pick for the Nicole was the best picture of her. Jay from the beginning was telling her how great she was and Tyra pick that stale photo. Jennifer looked scary and Laura did not look like a supermodel, more like a deer caught in the headlight shot, but I’m glad that she made to the final two, not Erin. It was like Tyra was trying to get her in the finals but I thing the last three weeks cost her. As for Jennifer, I did think she had a chance, but anything was possible in this epidsode. I wonder how they are going to make a one hour thing since last night episode was a double elimination.
Seemed like there had to be so many better shots from the film we were watching, but I think the problem was that they could only have shots that had the crashing wave???
ooh i loved how they added in the crashing wave part of the challenge. when i was on the show in cycle 7 they never had something that interesting. all i got to do was be in a pool and show my eyes
can any one tell me how to smile with my eyes
i think tyra is full of flower petals hehe when she tries to teach people it is so impossible
Wait, Lauren was “just wearing a white t-shirt”? Ohhh, honey, I shudder at the thought of looking into your closet if that cheap, poorly constructed t-shirt didn’t scream to you “trailer trash”. Please EW, dont send Margaret to cover project runway…ever!
ooh WD yeah i have to agree white t shirts are the hottest thing out there, just get them a little damp wink wink and the guys are all over you
I don’t care who wins but will always have a special place for Kenneth the Page so would like to see him scream like a…ummm…girl? LOL
This cycle’s final two reminds me of the Caridee/Melrose final. Melrose got all the kudos through the cycle, but Caridee won. I would be happy with either one and am rooting for Laura.
As much as I love to laugh at this show, I must admit that Nicole is a very decent model and worthy of that title. She has a “look”, and I can see her doing faily well. Actually much better than most of the “regular” ANTM winners.
I agree I think Nicole is awesome. I think she could really make it as a model
I have to say, I really don’t miss the petty drama from past cycles, but I do miss the drama of not really knowing who the top two would be. I knew (hoped) from week two that Laura and Nicole would be the finalists. Pretty much have believed from week four that Nicole had this in the bag. The only excitement came in the past two or three weeks when it looked like Laura was slipping a little and Jennifer was improving, making the final two line up a bit less certain.
I had no doubt that Nicole was going to make it to the final 2. She is a very beautiful girl and her photos are great. Even though I think she is a nice girl, I find her personality to be a bit bland.
I LOVE Laura. She really is my favorite. Great pictures and great personality. But I think Nicole will still win. Which is okay by me. I’m just glad Erin is out!
I love Nicole and Laura both but my favorite is Nicole. She’s so opposite the conniving Erin. She does make some dumb comments but really genuine.
have not watched ANTM since 2004
Then what is the point of leaving a comment?
So, so happy with last night’s episode! I couldn’t be more pleased with our finalists and more happy to see Erin leave.