'Melrose Place' recap: Jane's back in black(mail)

melrose-place_lJane Andrews is back, announcing: “I’m ready for a comeback.” Seemingly, she was referring to the fashion business she’s ready to relaunch. Don’t worry, Michael Kors, Jane seems to be stuck in the 1990s of Melrose 1.0, judging from the horrible peach bridesmaid style of her new signature look.

But her real comeback is to the famed apartments of Melrose Place, as Michael ex-wife and Sydney’s sister moved into her old turf as landlord, declaring “I inherited this building” (huh? Who owns this place?)

Within four minutes of her arrival, Jane revealed that she also inherited Sydney’s secret files – including some incriminating emails from Ella. So Jane blackmailed Ella to get that peach dress on a hot starlet at a red carpet premiere. Thank god we’re not getting the boring sweet Jane of Melrose’s first season.

Jane did play nice when Violet revealed that she was Sydney’s daughter – there are hugs and chamomile tea all around, until Jane called the police to come pick up this “fugitive” (Violet stole money from her folks to come to L.A. to find Syd). Violet and her horrible jean shorts were soon in the slammer, but Riley bailed her out (leaving behind Jonah, in his adorable skinny tie, at his friend’s big movie premiere). We’re just glad Riley left the party so we didn’t have to hear more of her golfing small talk. Zzzzz.

David, of course, has his dad’s files on Jane (David’s would-be ex-stepmother) – so he stepped up to her, threatening to expose her secrets about that suspicious boutique fire years ago if she doesn’t leave Ella alone (no chance). Ella even swooned a little: “Wow. I don’t think anyone’s ever offered to destroy an enemy of mine before. David, that’s almost romantic.” Double-blackmail seemed to be very effective foreplay. David and Ella did make a pretty hot couple – I hope we see them together more often this season.

Lauren also got some action, but not in a good way — she picked up a new client who stiffed her on the bill and then shoved her around. Just when we were shouting “GET A PIMP” at the TV, in walks Miss Mattison, or should we say Madam Mattison, Lauren’s new mentor on how to work it as a working girl.

Now with Jane back, and news that The CW has ordered more Melrose episodes and Heather Locklear is returning, I expect this show to keep getting better, and hopefully bitchier.  Meanwhile, I beg the show’s writers: please, please no more “dramatic” speeches from Auggie (“My world doesn’t work like yours”) or Violet (“My parents who adopted me weren’t exactly Brad and Angelina”). These moments are painful to watch. Give us more David having sex in his car, Lauren hooking up with clients, and Ella doing absolutely anything!

Favorite dialogue of this episode?

Riley: “She [Violet]‘s in jail”

Jonah: “Okay, and is that a bad thing?”

So what did you think of Jane? Did you agree there was chemistry between David and Ella? Why was cute Lauren wearing the world’s ugliest bikini?

Photo Credit: Michael Desmond/The CW

Comments (71 total) Add your comment
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  • Brooke

    I LOVED tonight’s episode. LOVED LOVED LOVED. I squeed when Jane came on screen for the first time. The show’s really getting better, I think, I just hope it doesn’t get as insanely zany as Original Flavored Melrose did back in the day. Also? We need more shirtless Auggie, please.

  • Jeremy

    I think Serena on Gossip Girl wore that dress that Ella is wearing in the picture in Season 2 of Gossip Girl that took place at that Yale party.

    • Sheree

      Yep, just in a slightly different color combo. Good eye.

  • Annette

    It’s getting there!

  • davidsask

    Auggie and Violet need to be the first casualties from the show!

    • Sheree

      Add Riley to your list and I’ll sign that petition.

    • amj

      Violet’s story could get really interesting though..

    • ZeeZee

      I agree..get rid of Violet (creepy and disturbing – yet boring) and put Auggie in the background until craft services runs out of food.

  • Danny

    That was not Jane! Period! I was excited about her and Michael coming face-to-face after all these years. It was unlike Jane to barly ackowledge her relationship with Sydney. The dialogue is bad and this show doesn’t even compare to the original. I can’t believe what they did with Jane here. I am done watching. Maybe when Amanda comes back…but probably not.

    • Jenny

      Did you not watch season 4 of the original?

    • Alan

      But you have to admit, the original Jane was boring, always a victim, goody-two-shoes dullsville. You really want Old Jane back?

      • Mandi

        Soooooooooooo boring!!! I always hoped for an accidental (or not) death for her, but never happened. Sad thing…

  • Keith

    The show needs MORE scandal. Its boring otherwise. I love seeing a more evil/bitchy version of Jane. Maybe Amanda can stir stuff up, she’s good at that. If it doesn’t get interesting soon I am gonna stop watching.

  • DW

    Jane was absolutely amazing, and this was easily the best episode yet. So much better than last week!

  • Fatima

    Said I’d quit watching after the awful first three, but somehow I found myself watching again and not completely hating it this time. It still needs work, but I may keep my secret viewing going for a while.

    However, this recapper needs a better sense of quality if they think that dialogue is ANYWHERE close to reprinting, let alone hailing it as inspired. I’m not sure anyone besides her wants more David car sex either.

  • Ben W

    The show is definitely getting better. This was the juiciest episode yet. I agree that Auggie needs to shut the ef up. And why is his boss, who looks like every other Californian, named Marchello? Do they think that sounds especially fancy or sophisticated? I feel like they say it about 10 times a show too. Has anyone else noticed this? lol

  • Sheree

    It’s getting better. And what else is there to watch on Tuesdays anyway? ASW still can’t act, so hopefully she’s featured less and less and then eventually, not at all. Ditto Riley. David and Ella were pretty hot together last night. Still not worthy of my DVR, but I’ll keep watching.

  • Robbyrob

    There was absolutely NO NEED to bring back Melrose Place. The old version had run out of steam and had become too campy and not in a good way. None of the characters of the retooled version are sympathetic to me…I just don’t care. I don’t know if Heather Locklear will be able to help much.

  • ken

    the chemistry is between ella and victor,, they should straighten that guy out.

  • FumI

    Was I the only one that noticed that the guy who stiffed Lauren was Sam page who plays, Dr. Rapist aka, Joan’s bastard husband on Mad Men?

    • addy

      THANK YOU! i could not place him!!!

      • pop

        NO! i noticed this too. i wondered about him picking all these roles where he basically demeans women.

    • Keith

      He also played Trey Kenyon on All My Children.

    • Ryan

      Thank you! I knew I recognized him! What a great role to be typecast for haha.

    • Dominique

      I am so happy to see I’m not the only one who watches both Mad Men and MP :)

      • Jennifer

        So funny, I thought the same thing…seems that MM and MP are on opposite ends of the “class” spectrum, yet I watch both every week!!

  • jake

    Is Sydney really dead? If so, that is such a waste of Laura Leighton’s talents.

  • bajanbratt

    Can we get rid of Violet and Auggie already? I have never seen two more boring people; when are we going to find out whether or not Violet is Syd’s kid? I am ready to delete this show from my Tivo schedule, this is a snoozefest

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