Welcome back to the Pop Culture Club, where every Thursday we get a movie, TV, or DVD assignment, and then meet back here the following week to discuss it. Last week I assigned the bad-seed thriller Orphan; at that point I hadn’t read any advance reviews, and little did I know that this movie is why the term “bats–t” was invented.
Before we go any further, let me say that this post will have SPOILERS APLENTY: If you haven’t seen the movie yet, back away slowly. Because really, there’s no point in seeing this movie at all unless you’re freshly stunned by the craziness as it comes at you.
Okay, are the spoilerphobes gone? Then let me take a deep breath and say WHAT THE F—? Sorry — that’s two dashed-out profanities in as many paragraphs, but how do you describe this movie without tossing four-letter-words around like confetti? This is the kind of movie that defies politeness, as your jaw can only sink lower and lower as it goes on. Here is a short, time-lapse reenactment of what was going through my increasingly flabbergasted mind as the movie progressed:
Wow, this miscarriage scene is going on a bit long. And now we’ve gotta see the bloody baby, too? All right, I’ll chalk it up to their trying to start the movie with a bang.
Wait a minute, why is Vera Farmiga’s character Kate regularly taking brown pills the size of rat turds? Okay, that’s a bit odd, but when in Connecticut…
Esther just cut short Kate’s birds-and-the-bees lecture with a curt, “I know: they f—.” Not to be a prude, but isn’t the actress who plays Esther, Isabelle Fuhrman, only 12?
Hey, now she’s pointing a gun at her tiny deaf sister? That just doesn’t seem…
HOLY CRAP, NOW SHE’S BEATING A NUN TO DEATH AND SHE AND THE LITTLE MOPPET ARE DRAGGING HER BLOODY BODY OFF THE ROAD!
Oh dear: “If I find out that you’re lying, I’ll cut your hairless [let’s say, "weenie"] off before you even know what it’s for.” Again: 12 years old. Well, can’t get worse than that, right?
Hold on, what’s she doing?…Why so much makeup? Esther’s looking a little tarty…and she’s sitting a bit close to her dad…and, wait, what’s she doing with his hair? Oh my God…
I need some bleach and an eyedropper, stat.
By the time deaf tyke was aiming a gun like the preschool version of Reginald VelJohnson at the end of Die Hard, I had lost the ability to be disturbed.
I’m not saying I wasn’t entertained, mind you. Sometimes a movie is so absurdly over-the-top that you can’t help but be carried away with it. And Orphan’s unapologetic lunacy even trumped the fact that the movie was a grab bag of evil-tot clichés: Some were broad tropes, like A) having one obligatorily oblivious parent who thinks the other is crazy for suspecting the child, and B) having the little girl repeatedly warble an innocent old song like her theme song until it becomes as eerie as if she were humming the theme from Jaws. (And what an odd choice, “The Glory of Love.” Don’t creepy tots usually gravitate toward nursery rhymes, rather than old Dean Martin hits?) And then there were the very specific homages, like Kate’s imprisonment under the ice, straight out of Damien: Omen II. (It’s all for you, Esther!) But even with all those familiar touches, it still managed to out-wack its predecessors and reach new heights of insanity.
It’s a tribute to just how bonkers Orphan is that I still had a shockingly good time, even though I have so many bad things to say about it. Like, how did such an exploitative script get indie stalwarts Farmiga and Skarsgaard involved? And what made Farmiga want to make another bad seed movie? (Check out 2007’s creepier yet less violent Joshua, which is, perhaps, the only postpartum-depression horror movie ever made.) And finally, I understand why adoptive parents were insulted by the film’s insidiously threatening take on adoption. But why cast such a limited net? There’s something for all parents to get creeped out by here: What kind of mother or father read this script and said, “Sexual come-ons and violence? Now this is something I want my daughter to be a part of!” When it was over, I went right to IMDB, hoping to find out that Fuhrman was actually a very young-looking 18. Nope, she’s 12 now, which means she might have been 11 when she filmed this. I kept thinking about that scene in Bruno when he asks all the overeager stage parents if their children would be comfortable doing all sorts of awful things for a photo shoot, and they all say yes. “Would my daughter Isabelle be all right stabbing her movie father repeatedly in the chest, soon after coming on to him? Phew, is that all? I was worried that you’d want her to French kiss a goat. Which is not off the table, mind you.”
And yet even as I stand here on my high ground…I liked the movie. So the hell with my morals.
So what did you think of Orphan: were you repulsed, entertained, or did you multitask by alternating between the two? Did you see the twist coming? And did it bother you seeing a preteen actress put in these situations? Oh, and one other thing: Wasn’t that treehouse unreasonably high? I’m no architect, but they were just looking for trouble with that one. I don’t even want to know how high they have their swingset jacked up.
Before we open the discussion, a point of order: the next Club will not convene until August 20th, as I’m out on vacation for the next two weeks in a land where the internet can’t reach me. Now, for the long-range assignment. We’ve done comedy, reality, and horror, so why not sci-fi? Let’s all check out District 9, which I have high hopes for. (And which was also recommended by a Club member.) It doesn’t hit theaters until August 14, so it’ll be fresh in our minds when we reassemble on the 20th. See you then!
Photo Credit: Rafy
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I loved it! It was a lot of fun and WAY over the top and, yes, I was a little worried for the 11-year-old actress, but I’ve seen children have to do/see worse.
I didn’t see the twist coming and thought it was amazing after that how she looked much older in her face — so creepy. Lighting? Makeup? I honestly don’t even remember the ending because it was so irrelevant after that. SO glad it didn’t turn out to be anything supernatural.
By the way, I thought Joshua was terrible — laughably bad. (I laughed at this one, too, but it obviously wasn’t taking itself as seriously.)
Dang, it’s the one time I happen to miss an assignment, and of course it’s the only item so far where you’ve gone out of your way to say that there are “spoilers aplenty.” I hate having movie surprises spoiled so I guess I’ll have to read this once I get a chance to see the movie.
Wojo, please do. All through the movie, I kept imagining what Josh would have to say about certain scenes, and I also thought that you would have a few zingers too. I’m not trying to pressure you, of course – believe me when I say that smart alec remarks will come to you fast and furious as you watch “Orphan”.
Yeah, it seems like the kind of movie that would lend itself to a lot of jokes and fun comments. I could have gone to see it last night, but I just couldn’t muster the energy to go to the theater. And seeing that the running time was over 2 hours inspired me even less. I would have assumed this would be one of those 90-minute deals. I’ll try to see it some time this weekend since it’s sounding like it’s worth my time.
And you also would have missed “Big Brother”. That would be unthinkable. The Chenbot would never have forgiven you.
Mark, I would never want to be on the Chenbot’s bad side. I posted that response on Thursday though. For some reason, it wasn’t always showing. So when I said “last night,” I meant Wednesday night so “Big Brother” wasn’t the issue. It was just me being lazy. Anyway, I saw “Orphan” on Saturday, and it didn’t disappoint. The main thing I loved, which Josh touched on in a response to you further below, was how they kept talking about Esther within earshot of her. Though I must admit that I was disappointed to see that there weren’t any Luke-esque Cochlear implant jokes in Josh’s column.
Gotta love the old “one spouse is COMPLETELY incredulous of the other” cliche.
Where does this come from? I’m not married, but I’ve lived with my girlfriend for two years! I’ve gotten genuinely mad at her for totally dismissing “Lost” after the pilot, and she got po’d at me because I thought Ginnifer Goodwin was horrible in “He’s Just Not That Into You.”
These are minor agreements that happen to every couple. I’d like to think me and the girlfriend would see eye-to-eye on the whole “Is our child evil or not?” question.
By the way, I also missed this assignment, but this write-up has officially elevated this movie to “Must-See” status. Ok, maybe not “Must See”, but definitely “Sneak into it after I’m done watching something I REALLY wanted to see” status.
By the way, it should be said that my girlfrien eventually came around on “Lost.” However, I still think Goodwin (while adorable and overall great) was absolutely terrible in “HJNTIY”
I know what you mean. My wife and I have come to loggerheads over many things, but I’d like to think that we could really come to terms with whether or not our child was devil spawn. Although, now that I think about it, I can kind of picture us bickering about that, too. That is, until the child started coming at us with a knife; that, I believe, would trump our respective desires to be “right.”
Wow. Defensive, anyone?
I don’t think Wolk was saying that intra-couple bickering was “obligatory” in a real-life relationship; I think the point was that it was a horror movie cliché to have one parent blissfully ignorant of the impending doom.
Jill…I totally got what Josh was saying. Sorry if it got lost in my response, but this is a ridiculous horror movie cliche I actually enjoy particularly BECAUSE it’s so ridiculous.
Obviously, horror movies aren’t typically meant to reflect real life relationships. That’s what makes it funnier when, in a horror movie, seven people are murdered, the only person in the vicinity of the body is their kid (who is holding a knife) and the hubby STILL acts like the wife is crazy.
My reaction after leaving the theatre was that I had been “Fatal Attractioned” again. That’s a term I’ve been using since 1987 for any movie that has me in the palm of it’s hand right up until the last sixty seconds. I had loved this movie right up until (don’t know how much I can reveal here)the child picked up the gun on the pond. Suddenly, every glaring plot hole that I would have gladly tolerated looked ridiculous. All the way home I felt manipulated and angry that the filmakers had ruined what could have been such a memorable movie. For shame, “Orphan”!
August 20th!?! Noo! Thats far to long to be without your quick wittiness. Also what about our Big Brother friday recap?
After tonight, I will have able-bodied subs filling in for me the next two weeks over at BB. But I assure you, they know their Jordans from their Lydias.
Josh, a suggestion for next year: when you take your well-deserved two week vacation and the club goes on hiatus for two weeks, would that not be a good time to assign a book to us? You made some good points earlier in the year about why you are reluctant to give us reading assignments. But I think two weeks is enough time for us to purchase, read and form opinions about a (reasonably) short book. After all, we want to cover all areas of the pop culture realm, don’t we?
Just a thought for next time.
That’s a good point, Mark. I’ll definitely keep that in mind for next vacation. (Boy, writing that makes me feel like I’m constantly flitting from tropical isle to tropical isle.)
I hate horror movies, but I sometimes will read spoiler sites to get the gist of them and I have to say the plot for Orphan is the most ridiculous thing ever.
You should never hate anything, you should always keep an open mind about everything. And…horror movies are the best…even the awful ones are worth watching (you can’t say that about any other genre).
Many of Josh’s points are valid (especially regarding the opening nightmare sequence which is beyond disgusting) BUT all of his wtf points regarding Esther are easily explained by the twist regarding who and what Esther really is, and as twists go this one is pretty good (vaguely within the realm of possibility and it explains everything AND it’s very creepy–imagine bringing THAT into your home once you know who she really is). I liked it.
I have not seen the movie, but is the twist that she is actually old?
I go that from the commercials.
1) she played piano very well
2) no record of her at any agency
I also got what the twist was before I saw the movie. I saw the shot of her standing in front of the shattered mirror and I knew she looked older.
This movie is beyond hysterical, but like Josh said, I loved it. A friend and I were the only ones in the theater and we very much became Waldorf and Statler. What a great time!!!
My husband and I were the only ones in the theater as well and we loved it. I was surprised by the ending.
ok at first glance when i saw this trailer i said “no thanks”… not because i have no stomach for horror- quite the opposite actually- i just have no stomach for BAD horror which is pretty much the norm nowadays… The movie comes out and Ebert gives it 3 1/2 stars and I was confused but still not interested… Now i read this and all the spoilers and still my interest level only elevated a fraction for a point. so i wiki’d it and read the whole synopsis and everything and now I just wanna see it for a good laugh… Seriously, a psychotic russain orphan with Hypopituitarism is just too damn funny to pass… i’ll make sure to take my friend who screams at every little thing for extra pleasure…
One more quick point: remember the scene about halfway through the movie (when it has been already established that Esther is evil) as she opened the refrigerator door and the canmera zoomed ominously onto the pitcher of Kool-Aid? Was anyone else thinking that little spawn was about to spike recovering alcoholic (sorry, “dry drunk”) Mom’s kool-aid with vodka and destroy her two year sobriety? Why did the producers choose to ignore that bad seed cliche?
The list goes on and on with complaints like that. For example, at one point she went into the fridge to get some milk and took out the ye olde style of glass milk bottle, as if their milkman had just dropped it off. It was as if her Little House of the Prairie wardrobe caused everything she touched to get backdated.
And also I loved how she always managed to have silently entered every room so she could hear everything anybody ever said. Really, the Kate character should have learned to make her “my daughter is crazy!” calls from outside the house. Take the car to Starbucks while the kids are home playing, THEN start calling Estonian insane asylums.
I thought the movie was very entertaining. I’m usually pretty tolerant about stuff happening in movies that couldn’t happen in real life, but every now and then something is a little too far fetched even for me, like getting the finger print off a shattered bullet in The Dark Knight, so when that adorable little girl picked up the gun all I was thinking about was how there was no way she was going to be that good of a shot. I was glad to see she wasn’t. Sarsgaard was great in it by the way. I loved how oblivious he was, but I was creeped out when Esther was hitting on him.
Did anyone else laugh at the end when the father broke down? The entire audience was howling at the showing I attended. He’s the only person in the movie who wasn’t traumatized by Esther, and yet he’s balling like a baby!
I loved the over-the-topness of the movie, but was a little disturbed at its graphic depiction of violence against children. Didn’t there used to be an unwritten rule against that.
That got the biggest laugh in our theater, too! His weepy monologue couldn’t even be heard over the audience. Hilarious!
I loved the movie for what it was, I do agree the fact that Esther was played basically by an 11 year old girl is a little much, but to me the movie was creepy, twisted, and so f–cked up that I really enjoyed it and would tell my friends to go see it…..