'Real Housewives of New Jersey' finale recap: Worth the price of admission

Who has time to mull over the strange appearance of Bernard Kerik, or Lexie’s growing bubbies, or Danielle’s sad daughters forced to relive their mama’s glory days with Vivienne Tam and Third Watch, or Jacqueline’s darling father Jerome? Who has time for Teresa’s new bathtub-sized sink or Dina’s decision to retire so she’s never blindsided by stuffed animals under her daughter’s bed again? WE MUST IMMEDIATELY SKIP TO THE MAIN COURSE.

The Last Supper was perhaps the best 10 minutes in all of Real Housewives history. Teresa, sporting new tennis balls under her tube dress, was prattling away over appetizers about Joe pawing her for sex post-op. To be honest, I’m almost ashamed to admit that this dizzy broad has kind of grown on me. She’s an authentic ding dong, innocent of guile. Danielle, however, was not amused by someone munching on her airtime so, with the smugness of one of Dina’s hairless cats, she slid her ex-husband’s book onto the table and took a lusty swig of champagne. (Is it just me or is the real winner of this finale the ex who may have finally moved a few copies out of the remainder bin?)

Now, Danielle is crazy as a chicken wing, but I will give her credit for staying on point throughout her monologue. She admitted to two things: She got arrested and she changed her name. But she insisted the other allegations in the book were false, and irrelevant to her present life. Her beef was entirely with Dina, who she accused of trying to muck up her reputation for her own petty amusement.

Caroline. Caroline! Caroline, who I would want on my side in any confrontation, personal or professional, took over. After shutting Dina up, and sternly maintaining some form of order at the table, she slowly turned to Danielle and dropped a bomb. “Can you do me one favor?” she said, enunciating every syllable. “Look at me, because I’m the one that told them.” Thickuh as thieves, protectuh my family, passuh the pasta. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Jacqueline burst forth with finger-waving and accusations that Dina was a big fat sneaky liar. (Cut to the kids table where everyone was snickering except for Danielle’s youngest, who just nibbled her dress strings sadly.) I’m not sure if I agree with Jacqueline turning on Dina, but the sheer look of relief on Danielle’s face that someone in the room was on her side was sincerely moving.

Enter Teresa, who — maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was being fresh out of a casting director’s office — seemed surprisingly cogent when breaking down Danielle’s transgressions. But then Danielle called her an airhead and Teresa’s face kind of slo-mo melted into a stunned mask of rage. It was visceral! She went atomic, oysters shooting out of her orifices, as she flipped over the dinner table and started shouting “whore! slut!” (I know, it’s awful that this counts as good TV to me. What can I say? I’m a tramp when it comes to reality shows.) Joe pulled his wife off the linens and smacked a kiss on her lips. He looked so turned on by her hot Italian temper that I wouldn’t be surprised if they conceived stage baby #4 in the restaurant bathroom that night.

“I’m going to pray for you,” Dina told Danielle, tapping her noggin, “because you are a little cuckoo up here.” But in the end, it wasn’t Dina or Danielle who got the last word, and it wasn’t Caroline who returned order to the evening. Jacqueline’s calm and oddly sexy husband Chris insisted the Housewives were all acting like a gaggle of fools. The book is bulls—, he insisted. Danielle is welcome in their home; let’s all be lucky for our good health and happiness. And that was it. On her way out, Caroline told Jacqueline that she had hurt her parents with her betrayal, but the happy coda to their family strife was that Jacqueline had finally successfully conceived and the pregnancy had re-bonded the women.

Danielle did get in a strange parting shot, one that seemed perfect for this show of molls. In her final interview, Danielle warned that if Dina ever starts acting up again and spreading dirt on her, she will come knocking on her door. And she won’t come alone. Atlas, sic!

P.S. Caroline’s bubbies are real???

What did you all think? Did the finale make up for a rather lackluster season? Did Danielle win you over at all in her defense of herself? Tell me that none of you went out and bought the book…

Comments (118 total) Add your comment
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  • Rachel

    I can’t believe I’m commenting on this but yes I think Caroline’s are real. She has the body for it – that’s why she is bigger on top than the bottom. I unfortunately have the same problem.
    Oh – LOVED the show. Will definitely be tuning in on Thursday.

  • Thad

    Low class at it’s highest! Jacqueline is the only one I believed fully. She should be on any witness stand. Best finale yet. Bring on the ladies of ATL!

  • Florida Prince

    The never ending indicted criminal Bernard Kerik is now training dogs? This is the guy who ran the police dept in Iraq(and then ran away) and who was the Chief of Police in New York City? Has he no shame? No dignity? The women screaming at each other have more dignity than he has. He will do anything to be famous. His mother was a prostitute. And the fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree.

  • DJ

    I watched the last 15 minutes with a mix of horror and delight…it was terrific drama and comedy at the same time.

  • GoldenGirl

    LOVE THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY. They are far more enetertaining than the ones in NY. Bring them back for another season.

  • Betsy

    I think this is all put on. Acting at its finest. People would never act like that in real life. Ratings anyone?

  • aj

    Yes, it was staged, yes, they were fed alcohol to fuel the fire – but it was highly entertaining!!! Didn’t Danielle say earlier in the episode that she had stripped, but then later denied it?! I will have to watch the reunion special. Too funny.

  • GeeMoney

    The last 15 minutes of the show was well worth the wait all season long! These ladies were all off the chain! I think in the end, Danielle was somewhat vindicated, Teresa shouldn’t have chimed into the conversation, and it was rough to see Jacqueline, Caroline and Dina all argue with each other, but it sounds like they’ve somewhat made up since then. With that said, I will DEFINITELY be back for season 2. Bring it on!

  • mandy

    They are the best Housewives! Dump Orange County to the side because the East Coast has it going on! Danielle had a lot of balls brining this up in front of all the children and a family meal. That was very rude to Teresa and Joe. They should have kicked her out as soon as the book was put on the table.
    Jacqueline is the sanest person in the room and I am sure she was telling the truth.

  • dani

    i just thought it was so inappropriate to accept an invitation to a dinner party (thus insinuating that everyone was putting water under the bridge) and then BRING UP THE BOOK YOU WANT EVERYONE TO STOP TALKING ABOUT. seriously, when she pulled out the book—most uncomfortable reality show moment ever. Loved it!
    also totally loved the moment when theresa just goes completely crazy spouting jibberish and getting pulled to the side with the face of a crazy woman.

  • wendy

    Danielle totally out of line with the book at Teresa’s dinner. But oh well that’s what good Tv is made of. Team Dina and Caroline all the way.

  • GeeMoney

    Oh, and I just want to say that I thought that when Danielle brought the book out at dinner that she was stupid to do so (and it was ridiculous to do so), but then again I do feel as though she deserved to have her side of the story and her feelings about the matter heard. Perhaps a dinner party wasn’t the best place to talk about it, but hey….. they had to give the finale a little extra spice, and since it was sooooo awesome, I couldn’t complain!

  • AngieLam

    Who cares if they were acting? It’s was pure entertainment genius!

  • Meg

    The fact that Danielle did not remove her children from the room while confronting these women speaks volumes. She is an insipid, vile parent.

  • snarkythismorn

    Yes! It was definitely worth wading through their short season for the last 15 minutes! And you’re so right about baby #4 getting a chance to watch the night she was conceived. I thought Jacqueline was foolish for turning on her sisters in law, but understandable. She must have to bite her tongue ’til it hurts at most family events. It shows she cares about “truth” more than any of the others. And, yeah, I think Caroline’s are real. The ladies of NY will always be my favorite housewives, but NJ always gives NY a run for the money.

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