File under sad but true: I’ve spent the last six months working diligently to idly daydreaming that I’d be able to lose enough weight to fit into my old suit for the July 12 wedding of some close friends. This past weekend, amid the sounds of a strained zipper and my internal sobbing, the dream finally died; I schlepped over to Macy’s and did what needed to be done to comply with the required dress code.
I know, you’re probably thinking "You’ve got no one to blame but yourself, Slezak!" But you’d be wrong. You see, I blame the folks at TNT, home of Kyra Sedgwick’s smash procedural drama, The Closer (click here to read Lynette Rice’s classic 2006 feature on the show.) Last month, in the midst of an American Idol/snack food detox, the network flooded EW.com HQ with boxes of cellophane-wrapped cookies, each one emblazoned with a blurb — "I TiVo General Hospital," "I shop online at work," "I ate the last cookie," etc. — that plays into TNT’s recent Closer ad campaign implying everyone has something to confess.
I had no intention of unwrapping the baked delights, that is until I popped over to PopWatch Food & Drink maven Annie Barrett’s desk; she, too, had received the offending treats, and lined them up around the edges of her cubicle (see photo), informing me that the macadamia-nut variety were especially delish. (Annie, I blame you, too!) Suddenly, just like a packet of Crystal Light On The Go being stirred into a bottle of water, my will power had dissolved; it was the beginning of the end of my weight-loss goal.
Anyhow, while you contemplate the pathetic quotient of the preceding three paragraphs, I invite you to watch an exclusive (and amusingly gross) clip from The Closer’s July 14 season premiere, embedded below. Actually, on second thought, DO NOT PRESS PLAY. I may not be able to expense my new suit to TNT, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t pay for what they did to my waistline, dammit!
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I do TiVo General Hospital. Send me one of those cookies!
Michael Slezak, you look great! Get a new suit, grab on to your husband’s arm and smile!
I feel your pain sle. I’ve had “sympathy cravings” for the last few months and have gained 10 pounds since June! Normally,my 5′9″ frame is at 170, which is right on the border between “average” and “overweight”. But 10 over is officially “overweight” and it shows on me. Looks like it’s back to walking every day and skipping breakfast for the rest of the summer now!
BTW Can I also blame Annie B for my recent weight gain? Have fun at the wedding dude!
I feel your pain sle. I’ve had “sympathy cravings” for the last few months and have gained 10 pounds since June! Normally,my 5′9″ frame is at 170, which is right on the border between “average” and “overweight”. But 10 over is officially “overweight” and it shows on me. Looks like it’s back to walking every day and skipping breakfast for the rest of the summer now!
BTW Can I also blame Annie B for my recent weight gain? Have fun at the wedding dude!
Bigger Slezak = more of him to love!
Quit your whining, Teletubby. You know you LOVE buying new duds!
And yes — everyone can blame me for their weight gain. It’s like the butterfly effect. Every time I flick chocolate frosting onto that desk, somehow, a P-Dub gains an ounce of beer gut. And, I think, an angel gets her wings.
You look better in that pic than I remember seeing. Shaggable. Or is it the famous “helicopter” angle?
Can I blame TNT for the fact that I’m likely going to have to order my wedding dress in size “muumuu”? If so, sign me up!!
Annie – if Kyra’s The Closer, does that make you The Enabler??
To: Annie B
SO YOU’RE THE ONE!! Thanks for the muffin top, babe. Gee, maybe you can send some adult acne my way, too. You’re such a giver.
BTW, Slezak, you look great in that picture. Enjoy the new suit and the wedding.
Annie Barrett IS….”The Enabler,” coming to Lifetime in 2009. It’ll be on right after Project Runway — and furnished by Twess-uh-may Pwofessional Haiw Cawe.
Acne for everyone!