'America's Got Talent' recap: The season premiere!

Americasgottalent_lPiers Morgan, Sharon Osbourne, and ”the legend that is David Hasselhoff,” (see: Knight Rider, Baywatch, and uh, YouTube) were back last night to judge another season of America’s Got Talent. Or: Some Americans Got Talent; Most Got Too Much Free Time. Finding a rare gifted gem amongst the sea of untalented masses is no easy feat. For every Neil E. Boyd, the insurance salesman/opera singer/future winner, there are a couple thousand like Bill B. Curlee, the Tom Jones impersonator otherwise known as Serious Mysterious. Don’t let the awesome nickname fool you. His voice wasn’t so much a voice as it was a noise violation.

America’s Got Talent reaffirmed the following American truths:

* We are suckers for slow motion music montages.

* We don’t care if kids have talent or not. Kids are adorable so itdoesn’t matter. During 4 year-old Kaitlyn Maher’s rendition of”Somewhere Out There,” I was so nervous she’d forget the words that Iwas mouthing them along with her. And how freaking cute was that littleaccordion player who, after getting booted, told the judges ”I did mybest”? If that didn’t make you "AWwW" out loud then you’re missing asoul.

* We got very poor grammar. Luckily it’s summer, the glorious time whengrammar rules are null and void, when reality programming hits you likea wall of humidity and you have no choice but to sit paralyzed in front ofa TV and a fan and let the record-breaking temperatures and new networkprograming make you a little insane.

I don’t know if it was the heat or Jonathan Burkin twirlingfire-shooting batons, but I thoroughly enjoyed last night’s two hourseason premiere extravaganza. Even host Jerry Springer was fun –his legitimate concern that 80 year-old Mary Bly would tap dance rightoff the stage was both heartfelt and hilarious. (Don’t go near theedge… don’t let her go near the edge…someone get her away from thatedge?!!) The bad acts were horrifically bad: Nick stopped by toshow off his freakishly long tongue. Harold painted his face white andhad a seizure. A Singing Santa Claus and a dance troupe of zombiesanxiously waited for their chance to waste the judges’ time.

But thereal deals were there, too: Nuttin’ but Stringz (violin playin’,beat boxin’, R+B brothers), Extreme Dance FX (psychedelic Riverdance),and even Jonathan Arons (toot-toot beep-beep dancer disguised as aboring trombone player) were all entertaining, or bloody brilliant, orbarking mad to watch.

Note to women planning to try out in the future: Give yourself or yourgroup a provocative name (i.e. Slippery Kittens), wear as littleclothing as possible, rip off what little clothing you’re wearing whileon stage, and you will undoubtedly get the Hoff’s approval. You’regoin’ to Vegas, baby!

So who were your favorite acts? Does America have talent? And riddle methis: If Piers is the Simon and Sharon is the Paula, what would be theHoff’s American Idol equivalent? You’d think Randy, but I’d say more of a Simon/Paula hybrid.

Comments (76 total) Add your comment
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  • DanOregon

    It’s nice to see people’s talents appreciated, liked the baton twirler and Opera Man (Very Paul Potts if I do say so myself) – but this show is produced within a hair of its life. Jerry “People are standing up!” Judges reading bio about tough life (“What have you gone throught to get here?”) It would be better without the constant cutaways to the judges and Springer (and a lot less “zanyness.”

  • Stephanie T.

    The Brit impersonater looked like Ashton Kutcher as Brit.
    Opera guy was amazing. Jose Carreras, look out!
    I am concerned about the four year old girl. If anyone has seen An American Tail, the girl sang the song exactly the way it was written for Fivel and his sister. The girl was great, but at the same time, she had to have been coached.

  • Aditya Liviandi

    baton twirler from britain’s got talent 2007 – craig womersley
    little girl from britain’s got talent 2007 – connie talbot
    opera singer salesman from britain’s got tallent 2007 – paul potts
    THREE similar acts? i think the show’s scripted.

  • Aditya Liviandi

    and Piers Morgan is a judge on BOTH britain’s got talent and america’s got talent.

  • whoa

    The Hoff is definitely Paula. I see no Randy there at all, dawg. It’s all Simon and Paula on this judging panel.

  • MsDaisy

    I would much preferred to be able to listen to all of Neil Boyd’s performance than to have the constant cut-aways to Jerry Springer. Is Drew Lachey not available for hosting duties?

  • Sally

    The dancing trombonist was funny as he***….I kind of liked the 4-yo, she was a sweety, but I don’t think she belongs with the grownups. Her parents are definitely pushing her into show business – maybe commercials or the “Annie” cast…other than that it was entertaining and silly and corny and I’ll probably watch bec. there’s nothing else on this summer. Piers is the only “real” judge (Simon?) who tells the truth. Betcha the finalist ends up being a singer…that’s my probl. with this show…it’s another Amer. Idol, because the winners are always singers.

  • Stephanie T.

    Yeah, but they had this last year with that dancing saxaphonist who sort of looked Elvis Costello.

  • Jana

    Umm, the winner last season was a ventriloquist, so singers don’t always win.

  • Preston

    Neil Boyd wasn’t that great. There are hundreds, if not thousands, of opera singers out there with far more talent and skill.

  • Lola

    I see I’m not the only one who doesn’t think Neil Boyd is the second coming. I mean, hard luck story and good voice — yes. But if you think he’s all that, please go directly to youtube and look for Paul Potts’ British America’s Got Talent audition — he sang Nessum Dorma and it was spectacular. Neil barely got a couple phrases before falling apart. Granted, there’s potential, but dude needs to pull it together and work on his phrasing and sustain the notes.

  • BW

    Yes, agree the Hoff is Paula! I think Sharon is Randy – she’s not loopy like Paula and her comments actually make sense.

  • Spiritdancing

    Seemed very contrived to have Neil, the insurance salesman opera singer close the show. He’s okay as a singer, but there are better aspiring opera stars out there. Also interesting that he chose the same song Paul Potts did on the UK show (Nessun Dorma). Potts is by far the better of the two. I cried each and every time I saw clips of him. And he was just as amazing post CD release and extreme makeover when he appeared on Oprah. I hope Neil does well. He has a sweet back story, but he can improve a lot.

  • Crystal Phantom

    I think that the “Slippery Kittens” should NOT have won; they were just ‘skanks’ flailing around showing their panties and cleavage to an audience that probably had young members in it, those sickos… I hope they get voted off.

  • Julianne

    Jonathan Arons was absolute fun…a breath of fresh air!

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