No doubt you’re as thrilled as I am by the news that Guy Ritchie will be directing a Sherlock Holmes movie, one that, according to the Hollywood Reporter, will make Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s Victorian sleuth "more adventuresome and less stuffythan previous screen incarnations." I’m sure that the Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels director will move quickly to cast Jason Statham (pictured, left, in Lock, Stock…) as Holmes and Vinnie Jones as Watson in the flick, which I am certain will be called No S—, Sherlock. Here’s how I imagine the screenplay will begin.
SCENE 1: INTERIOR – 221B BAKER STREET
Holmes is in his living room, casually snorting a line of cocaine, when he hears a knock on the door. Suddenly alert, he rushes to his feet and hides behind the door as it opens. Watson enters the room.
Holmes, old chap, you there?
Holmes gets the drop on Watson, kneeing him in the groin and giving him a karate chop to the neck. Watson doubles over in agony and falls to his knees. Holmes whips out a revolver, holds it sideways, and points it at Watson’s head.
For f—’s sake, you powder-sniffing loony, it’s me, Watson!
HOLMES
Watson? Sorry about that, mate, but you can’t be too careful these days, eh? Besides, I’m coked to the bleedin’ gills, so I’m a bit paranoid.
He helps Watson to stand.
WATSON
Never mind all that, you crazy bugger. I’m here because Scotland Yard needs your help. There’s been a bank robbery. The thieves got away with £33,000 and vanished without a trace.
HOLMES
Fir’ee-free fousand? Bloody ‘ell!
WATSON
How the devil will you find the rascals, Holmes?
HOLMES
Elementary, you stupid git. I know an informant who knows everything.
Holmes grabs two antique shotguns off the wall, hands one to Watson.
HOLMES
Let’s go.
After the jump: Scene 2.
SCENE 2: EXTERIOR – NIGHT – THE THAMES RIVERBANK
Holmes and Watson trudge through the fog toward an encampment of mud-spackled tents. Holmes is wearing his famous deerstalker cap, rakishly hiding his bald spot.
HOLMES
Mickey the Gypsy knows everything that happens on the streets.
MICKEY
Like I knew ye were comin’, ye bald bastard.
Holmes and Watson turn to face the snaggle-toothed Traveler, who has suddenly emerged from the fog. He is played by Brad Pitt.
HOLMES
Good to see you, too, you tosser. What do you know about this bank robbery?
MICKEY
(chatters incomprehensibly)
WATSON
What the devil did he say?
HOLMES
I don’t know. When we get home, I’ll play back the tape at half speed.
WATSON
You have a tape recorder on your person? But they haven’t been invented yet!
HOLMES
Well, I invented it! I’m Sherlock bleedin’ Holmes!…
Comments (1-24) of 24 Add your comment
Bloody good screenplay, Susman! Bloody good, indeed!
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle is spinning in his grave like a top, I’m sure.
SUSMAN! Two thumbs up, ye cracked me up, ye bloody git.
Speaking of Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels….whatever happened to Nick Moran (Eddie, the main guy) in that movie?
I swear I would have pegged him for the breakout star from that film, not Jason Statham.
Coincidentally, I actually thought a “re-boot” of Sherlock Holmes was far overdue the other day….I really need to write these ideas down.
That’s really good but there’s no way Statham could ever drop Vinnie Jones.
I am the biggest Sherlock Holmes fan (my dog is NAMED Sherlock) so please, god let Guy not frak this up. Statham can do anything as far as I’m concerned!!
Statham can do anything? Did you see “In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale”? I guess technically he did do it, but I don’t think that’s what you were implying when you said he can do anything…
Bleeding ‘ell! That was right hilarious, Susman!
funny! I’m sitting here laughing. You should totally write the script for the movie. I’d def go see it!
BrandonK-
Hee! Point to you, sir. Maybe I should’ve said the majority (but not all) of the Statham oeuvre has led me to believe he can do anything. Thanks for the laugh.
Sounds fantastic. I hope it actually does open like that….and it probably will.
I think perhaps Guy Richie has a death wish or something, because his career is deader than a dead man in Deadville. At least he has his missus to pay the bills…
I’m guessing it will be an action/adventure comedy starring Seth Rogen as Sherlock Holmes and Shia LaBeouf as his trusty sidekick Watson. And it will be set in the future. And Holmes will have a jet pack.
Sign me up for the first showing of “No Sh*t, Sherlock” — love it!
Ah, so you ARE warren ellis. i knew i had a reason to hate you. well played.
While this was absolutely hilarious (bravo, Mr. Susman!) I agree with the HELL TO THE NO. This generated a WTF of epic proportions over at Holmesian.net, where we are all now commencing with the geek outrage.
As for the article itself, anyone who thinks Sherlock Holmes is “stuffy” has obviously never read a Holmes story or seen any of the movies in the last 100+ years.
The movie idea sounds great, but the script is lacking that cockney they’re-speaking-english-but-you-need-subtitles-anyway appeal that made the first two Guy Ritchie movies so popular.
For example: “He goes to the bar and orders a napoleon of the most ping pong diddly in the nuclear sub” was subtitled with “he orders a bottle of the most powerful liquor in the pub”.
Popwatch needs to have a new subcategory: ‘Don’t read at work or people will know that you’re F-ing around’. This was so funny!! Poor Jason Statham. I really like him but he just seems to enjoy making crap movies.
I’m really surprised by this; just who is this film supposed to appeal to?
ROTFL!
Well Sherlock Holmes just went to crap with Ritchie’s touch just like everything else he has anything to do with he destroys. The man is devoid of talent. He cannot write and cannot direct. He should stop while he is ahead. He better be thanking God for Madonna or he would have fallen off the board into obscurity.
You, are an idiot.
You can’t know movies very well if you think this. Other than Swept Away Ritchies movies have been amazing. He is lucky they got divorced, because SHE is the reason he made ONE bad movie. He will continue to write and direct good movies that everyone likes..everyone but you. i hope when you die the devil himself sits you in a room and forces your eyelids open with toothpicks and puts sweptaway on repeat for an entire lifetime, only to switch it with madonna’s ‘like a virgin’. Idiot
Madonna’s Marriage Mess
http://www.judiciaryreport.com/madonnas_marriage_mess.htm
love it love it love it love it. guy ritchie WOULD make this movie