Introducing R. Kelly's 'Rapt in the Courtroom!'

Rkelly_lI just finished reading a story about some R. Kelly courtroom drama that was just ridiculous enough to sound like an outtake from the "Trapped in the Closet" sessions. Apparently, an attorney named Mike Roman (of Mike Roman and the Tellstars, natch) accosted the embattled R&B superstar in a Chicago courtroom last week, trying to pass along the demo for his CD, Cha Cha Time, while Kelly’s attorneys were in a closed-door sesh. (Yes, I said sesh.) This, of course, prompted me to channel my inner ‘R’ (as I have done in the past) and pen a song about the entire sordid affair. And it goes a little something like this…

Man walks into a courtroom
Tryin’ to get through his nine-to-five
About to give up on his dream
Sees a man who’s signed to Jive (Records, records, records…)

Man walks up to a superstar
While he’s waiting on the docket
Asks "Sir can I trouble ya briefly?"
Then proceeds to pop and lock it

"Oh Mr. Kelly!
The man named R!
Please take my demo,
Back to your car!
Then play it softly,
Or blast it hard!
You’re gonna make me
A superstar!"

[Verses 2 and 3, plus the bridge… after the jump!]

addCredit(“R. Kelly: Paul Warner/WireImage.com”)

Man sits alone in a courtroom
His attorney’s in the judge’s chambers
He’s thinkin’ about his future
And these clear and present dangers

Man looks up from his daydream
Sees a lawyer-cum-Grammy-winner
Singing a joint called ”Cha Cha Time"
That’ll pay for a lot of dinners

"Oh Mr. Kelly!
The man named R!
Please take my demo,
Back to your car!
Then play it softly,
Or blast it hard!
You’re gonna make me
A superstar!"

Selling his wares on CD Baby
But he ought to be on a major label
Playing the smallest clubs in Chicago
When he ought to be on basic cable
Cranking out the tunes and ditties
There’s a track called "Tsunami 911"
Well you know sometimes this life ain’t pretty
But maybe this Mike Roman is really the one

Two men lock eyes in a courtroom
One sings for his supper, one sings for life
Suddenly they hear the gavel
It’s a sound that cuts just like a knife

"Oh Mr. Kelly!
The man named R!
Please take my demo,
Back to your car!
Then play it softly,
Or blast it hard!
You’re gonna make me
A superstar!"

Comments (3 total) Add your comment
  • Anonymous

    As a resident of the Chicago area, can’t tell you how sick I am of hearing day-to-day reporting of “Rap/R&B superstar R. Kelly’s ongoing trial” in which the details of his 3-way with his 14-year old goddaughter and another woman (who swears she knew her) are being “splashed across the media”. It truly reinforces my belief that they’ll let anyone cut a “song” – and that term is used loosely – with some sort of gimmick. Yo, nice gimmick, nice image, dude! This has actually made him more popular in this city? Hah!

  • Winona

    And I heard Mike Roman & the Tellstars are playing Taste of Chicago – I’d love to see the hecklers in that audience!!!

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