We’ve already seen popular ad campaigns (Geico’s Cavemen) give birth to woeful TV sitcoms, so I guess it shouldn’t surprise me that a ubiquitous advertising slogan appears to have spawned a big-budget feature film. Still, if the trailer for What Happens in Vegas is any indication, it’s time to slap a toe-tag on the Hollywood romantic comedy, and send it down to the basement for cold storage.
Seriously, some insane producer thinks I’m going to shell out $11 to see Ashton Kutcher urinating into a kitchen sink? And, of course, for that price, I’ll have to buy that after two hours of huffing and snarling, Cameron Diaz’s uptight harpie will realize the Neanderthal who shoves his hands down his pants before reaching into the popcorn bowl is the man of her dreams? I could write another paragraph wondering possessed Queen Latifah to continue wasting her Oscar-nominated talents in yet another low-rent production, but I’ve decided it’s time I channeled my rage into a more productive enterprise. And you can help, after the jump.
Let’s all band together and brainstorm the perfect romantic comedy, right here, right now! Here’s how we’ll do it: I’ll write the first sentence of our pitch, and then all of you have to continue the brainstorming session â contributing one sentence and one sentence only! â in the comments section below, building off your fellow PopWatchers’ comments. It may be a hot mess by the time we’re done, but I’m willing to bet it won’t be any worse than What Happens in Vegas. So without further ado…
Brenda Patchett, a mildly cranky 33-year-old singleton working in the admissions office of a small, liberal arts college in Seattle, gets mowed down by a bike messenger on her way to work, and breaks her ankle…
Take it away, PopWatchers!
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Upon the advice of her crazy cousin, she sues the bike messenger as well as the company where he works…
The bike messenger has no money or insurance, so the judge orders Brenda and the bike messenger (whose name is Chase McHuntersonville) to switch jobs for one month…
Before people start posting complaints about the error in logic that she couldn’t be a bike messenger with a broken ankle, I’d like to say that ridiculous errors in logic are the cornerstone of the modern rom-com.
Her lawyer, played by Matthew McConaughy, is an upcoming, boys boy rising fast through the law firm who only takes the case because she is the daughter of one of the partners and could not care less about her plight…
but unbeknownst to her, the bike messenger, who out of guilt attends to her while she recuperates, stands to inherit a large fortune if he can find a suitable wife by the end of the month.
Brenda spends time with Chase learning about the joys and trial of being a bike messenger. In a sweet montage we see them falling for each other while a pop song plays in the background. But wait! There is still Brenda’s spark with her hunky, and emotionaly underdeveloped lawyer.
Brenda and her crazy cousin Jennifer go together to meet Matthew McConaughy at the law firm…
They are both impressed with his handsomeness but Brenda finds him obnoxious, while Jennifer is smitten.
Lawyer Matthew listens attentively (we know this by his easily identifiable squinty-eyed coy smile, pen in mouth) to Brenda, telling her he’ll look into it further after he returns from a lunch hour wedding cake taste-off with his fiance, who arrives outside his building, coincidentally, on her bike….
But Jennifer and Matthew cannot be together because, unbeknownst to her, Jennifer’s mother had a fling with Matthew’s father, and they’re actually half-siblings.
But they decide to keep the sibling thing a secret, for now…
But the Bike Messenger who happens to be an ex MIT student discovers the half sibling secret…(my god this storyline is practically writting itself)
And admits to Jennifer that he has secretly been attracted to her all along and only been kind to Brenda to get Jennifer’s attention–which cues a flashback to the Chase-Brenda romantic montage in which Jennifer is revealed to be on the sides of every shot….
And out of guilt for running Brenda over with his bike, MIT guy decides to get DNA samples from both Brenda and Matt M. to see if they really ARE half-siblings…and lots of salty misunderstandings about cheek swabbing and bathroom samples ensue…
(sorry, Jennifer and Matt! Oops!)
The Bike Messenger (Chase) hurries to tell Brenda (who is now related to Matthew since her and Jennifer are cousins)the secret but becomes a victim of Brenda’s clumsy one-footed biking and loses consciousness.
A few people posted while I was writing. sorry.
I don’t know, guys, most rom-coms don’t include potential incest. The half-sibling storyline seems out of place.
But wait! Brenda and Matthew don’t have to be related by blood…only by marriage…so of course, when Jennifer and Matthew’s relationship comically flames out (moments before consummation!) it re-opens the chance for Brenda to see this hapless bike messenger in a new light. But does she?
Meanwhile, Brenda’s lawyer’s partner (played by James Brolin), has a secret of his own, and is motivated to sabotage Brenda’s case in order to kill the potential romance between Brenda and/or Jennifer!
James Brolin’s secret is that he faked the paperwork making Jennifer, Brenda and Matt related as part of an ongoing feud with Matt’s (sadly deceased) father. Now that it’s discovered that the girls don’t share DNA with Matt, whom will he pick? Whom, I say?
Jennifer, of course, will be played by Jennifer Garner. Who will play Brenda?
If we’re going by rom-com tradition, Renee Zellweger, Kate Hudson or Sandra Bullock for Brenda. If she’s slumming it, Naomi Watts.
Brenda, forced to choose between hapless, ex-MIT down-to-earth bike messenger and hard-partying, wealthy lawyer Matt, calls upon her parents (Dianne Weist and Christopher Walken), who live on Long Island, for guidance who reveal that she and Matt are not related and remind her to follow her heart, while best friend Jennifer has comically fallen asleep on the train and ended up in the Hamptons where she disappears for the remainder of the movie, coming back only in the final moments with a new, crazy-accented European boyfriend played by Hank Azaria…..
id rather pay $11 to see Amy Poehler urinating into a sink..soo thats why i’ll be passing up “what happens in vegas” and seeing “baby mama”
As Matt talks with Brenda about her case, his secretary comes in. To Brenda’s surprise (and Jennifer’s when she finds out), the secretary is pregnant. And guess what?! Its Matthew’s.
This is beginning to sound more like a daytime soap than a rom com.
But bike messenger guy is leaving to pursue some…um….unspecified math job in Italy. You know what this means–a wacky run through the airport for Brenda!
I love the plot thus far–it’s much more unpredictable than “What Happens in Vegas.”
On a separately related note, am I the only one who–every time words pop up in that trailer–is reminded of “Think Outside the Bun”? Seriously, same marketers as Taco Bell?
Which only occurs after she has kissed Matt, realized there was no chemistry between them, realized that she loved Chase (cue love song sung by pop tart of the moment), and dashed off to the airport…