We resume our America’s Next Top Doll series with judgments already in progress…
Tyra: Today’s guest judge is Benny Ninja, who taught you all about movement, product placement, and how to be fierce… at Target!!!
Models: [Unenthusiastically.] Whooo!
Twiggy: Where on Earth did Benny Ninja go?
[Benny Ninja leaps out from underneath Twiggy's seat, like a deranged Jack-in-the-Box.]
Benny Ninja: SURPRISE!
Twiggy: Good ‘eavens!
Benny Ninja: [Crawling across judges' table.] House of Tarjay is in effect!
Tyra: So this week’s photo shoot was all about selling Target stemwear, and we had you posing in groups of three, draping yourselves across giant, fabulous cocktail glasses. And I have some exciting news: The winning photograph from this week’s shoot will appear in Target ads running in local Penny Savers nationwide.
Benny Ninja: [Taking his seat with a flourish of jazz hands.] A Benny saved is a Benny… Ninja!
Tyra: The first group up for evaluation is Hawaiielle, Hellaciouse, and Audrexinia. Ladies, here’s your best shot.
Miss J: More like here’s your best shot glass!
Nigel: Hawaiielle, you naughty little monkey. The body positioning is very, very provocative.
Twiggy: It’s truly incredible the way you just hurled yourself backwards over that tumbler.
Miss J: But if you take away that incredible pose, what are you left with?
Tyra: Hellaciouse, what’s going on with your booty? It’s looking all kinds of scrunched up in the bottom of that martini glass.
Hellaciouse: Well, it was a really awkward shape to sit in.
Tyra: You can’t overthink these situations. Sometimes you just haveto let go of your mind and your muscle control and just let your bootybe, you know what I mean?
Hellaciouse: Yes?
Tyra: Do it now. Let your booty be.
[Hellaciouse sways uncomfortably in front of the judges' table.]
Tyra: Let your booty be!
[Hellaciouse goes limp from the waist down and falls to the floor.]
Tyra: Very good, Hellaciouse.
Nigel: Audrexinia, I really don’t understand what you’re trying to do in this photo.
Audrexinia: The photographer had me standing on my head for 45 minutes.
Tyra: That’s not any excuse for losing your focus.
Miss J: And we know from experience that this isn’t the first time you’ve found yourself at the bottom of a wine glass.
Tyra: Let’s take a look at the closeup.
Twiggy: Hellaciouse, when your eyes catch the light and go sort of translucent, I don’t like that. I find it very disturbing.
Nigel: I agree. I have a problem with your eyes, too.
Benny Ninja: So does the House of Ninja!
Tyra: You need to make sure the light is coming out of your eyes, not just going into them.
Nigel: And Audrexinia, whether or not you’re feeling dizzy andnauseous from a rush of blood to the head, you have to make surenothing gets between your face and the camera’s lens. Not even Hawaiielle’s sensational legs.
Tyra: Thank you, ladies.
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Ninja: So will I be the guest photographer next week?
Tyra: NINJA PLEASE!
The girls certainly do have the “smiling with their eyes” down cold though..in a vacant, brainless sort of way..but still smiling!
Where’s the dialogue when Jay hands them the Target bags and tells the girls to fashion the dresses themselves, using only the bags and the plastic tag gun that the price tags are attached with? I’m sure we lost at least one of the models in a freak accident that way.
Oh Michael…thank you so much for making my morning. that was truly delightful…
Ep Sato…man, that was just brilliant, absolutely brilliant.
“A Benny saved is a …Benny Ninja” – I can imagine him saying that!
I didn’t think it was possible for these to get any better, but this is the best one yet! The Tarjay dresses alone…. And Ep Sato, that was brilliant.
You, Slezak, are a cracked genius. The only way this could get any better is if you had video of this in addition to the photos/transcripts.
You really need to start doing two of these a day they are so entertaining!
Makes the work day go by quicker
Audrexinia’s been gaining a little bit of weight. She needs to watch herself.
I need backstory. Is it possible Audrexina finds it hard to focus because her three children are home and she is worried her boyfriend isn’t giving them their ADD meds? Or maybe Hellaciouse is having booty trouble because of some horrible booty trauma in her past. Where are the tears?
Slezak, keep ‘em coming. Love this stuff. I only wish it could entertain me for six to eight hours, so I don’t have to struggle to find something else to do at work all day!
OMG I am crying right now! That was incredible!
Chants- Pulitzer!, Pulitzer!, Pulitzer!
I don’t know; this seems awfully catalog. I was hoping for something more FIERCE.
Thank you, Mr. Slezak. You’ve made my morning.
You made my morning!!!
I so want Slezak’s job
AMAZING
“Good ‘eavens!” Best yet. You show keen photo-shoot art director talents at every ANTD “session” Mr Slezak, alongside the hilarious writing.
How you will top this, I don’t know but I’m hanging out here to find out. Please keep it going.
The booty comment killed me. I love when she gives them random tasks at panel like, “Smile with your eyes”, and they just give her a sort of scrunched up face. Perfection.
Tears! tears! My coworks think I’ve gone crazy. Slezak you need to get this whole series published into a coffe table book at the end of it’s run. Suggested title “Plastic Dreams”
I love how these posts are very deservedly filed under the category “art.”
I can’t remember which doll is Hellaciouse and which is Hawaiielle, but it just doesn’t matter. Awesome stuff…I hope this continues on over the next few weeks so we can compare ANTD to the real thing (favorably, no doubt).
Michael, one question: do your children know you are playing/staging dolls like this? The pictures are disturbing yet freaky funny as I can picture grown ups, sans cocktails I imagine, setting up the ’shoot’. What did you do before writing for EW? We all want to know…..
Michael, you naughty little monkey. Thank you!!!
Haha Selzak, this is the best thing ever written! I try to stop watching Top Model but again and again I get drawn in by the lunacy of Tyra and Co. And now you’ve just replaced that show and any other … with ANTD as my favorite guilty pleasure. Thank you Selzak. Love how you and Annie are always willing to go that extra mile to make PopWatch even more entertaining and fun.
I love telling my friends it’s Tarjay not Target.. Hilarious!
I have been back everyday all week looking for the next installment. Keep ‘em coming!!! After cycle 9 disappoint and the first couple eps of cycle 10, I am thinking these are going to be so much more entertaining than the real thing.
I was flipping through the channels and I came to America’s next top and there was this guy (Benny Ninja) that I swear I went to school with or he could pass as his twin. The guy I went to school happens to have the same first name and same mannerisms. I he use to vogue like crazy when we were in school. He was absolutely sweet, funny and had a huge heart. Is it possible that Benny Ninja went to school in Westchester? If so, as to a hint of who I am…I was the smallest cheerleader who hung out with a very good friend of Benny’s! I hope I get a response if Benny Ninja is my Benny!