Oh PopWatchers, dreams really do come true! Yesterday morning, I received in the mail a pair of MGA Entertainment’s America’s Next Top Model dolls! At long last, I, Michael Slezak, boys and girls of all ages can act out their megalomaniacal Tyra Banks fantasies on a series of four fierce plastic figures named Paisley, Sidney, Sienna, and Tascha. (I’m guessing that, true to Top Model form, MGA toyed with a fifth, plus-sized model, but cut her at the last possible moment.) After completing this week’s challenge — wrestling Paisley and Sidney from their boxes — I skipped the photo shoot and went directly to the elimination ceremony. Here’s how it all went down (yeah, those are my hands in the photo… and I am not hearing your judgment):
I have two beautiful dolls standing before me, but I only have one photograph in my hand. That photo represents the doll who is still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Doll. The doll whose name I do not call must immediately go back to the Top Doll house, pack up her belongings, and go… back to the manufacturer.
Paisley, the judges look at you and think, "Pretty girl." Well,except for the blue leopard-print bag you’ve so carefully attempted tomatch with your tragic gauzy minidress. You’ve overcome so much in thiscompetition, including getting some of your hair cut off when we triedto remove you from your packaging. When we reduced you to a sobbingmess tonight during your evaluation, those tears spoke to me, and theytold me you are a girl who has grown as a human being in the sunlightof Tyra’s wisdom.
Sidney, you came to panel dressed like an Aztec cocktailwaitress, but when the judges look at you and the way you hold yourlimbs in an uncomfortable, contorted position, they see a girl withedgy, high-fashion potential. Or maybe a high-class call girl. But thejudges question your drive and desire. Mr. Jay said that on set today,you did not show the required enthusiasm for Cover Girl Wet N JuicyTripleberry Lip Slicks. And it takes more than fierce photos to be aTop Model. It takes product placement and an emotionally compellingstory arc.
So who goes home? The girl who wants this title so badly shepretended to laugh at Miss Jay’s nonsensical attempts at humor? Or thegirl who’s not afraid of metallic fabrics or suffering a herniated discin the name of a good photo?
Sidney, the judges really want a chance to make you cry. Congratulations, you’re still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Doll. Paisley, we’re through with you. You’ve been spent like pocket change at the vending machine. Goodbye.
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Its only good if you can jack up the hair and it grows back. Will there be Miss J dolls too?
“did not show the required enthusiasm for Cover Girl Wet N Juicy Tripleberry Lip Slicks” – BWAHAHAHAHA!
Gayest. Post. Ever.
These stink, but I am so there for Tyra, Miss Jay, and Twiggy dolls. And don’t forget the Janice Dickinson doll with pump lip action!
OMG… you are SO funny! I’ve always had a little crush on Slezak<s writing, but now I truly am in love! So funny!
Slezak, your a genius! Best post in recent months. Thanks!
One word.
Yawn.
Blogs like this are why I have my Entertainment Weekly subscription. Can’t wait for the new ANTM show to start – enough of the clip shows, bring on the real stuff!
One of the accessories included should be “a photo of mah baby back home.”
Hahahahahaha! Now this is the way to start a Tuesday Morning. Slezak, you hit the nail right on the head, or is is the shoot was perfect! Can’t wait to read your TV watches on ANTM starting next week. Although I have a quick question, are you going to be writing the recaps for both Top Model and A.I seeing how they are both on on Wednesdays? Oh well, no worries, a Top Model and a great singer, always give great results, NOT excuses!!
Thank you, Slezak. Thank you.
I loved this!!!! You’ve got the TyraTone down pat. Can’t wait for ANTM next week..
10 percent of net sales will go toward printing Tyra Mails on a 4-color laser printer. The rest will be used to fund the weave budget.
Slezak, I know we’ve never met, but I think I love you. Another hilarious post! Thank you!
So wrong, yet so right. Plus, I love all the lines through the inappropriate comments and then you know, whatever else you felt like crossing off. Well played sir.
Slezak, you kill me. Remember the HX days. Don’t forget where you came from. One of Tyra’s mantras.
just as compelling as the real thing.
I hate to admit it but I’m excited for the new cycle to start…and isn’t it the tenth cycle? They better be pulling out all the stops for this season!!
After months and months of reading Slezak’s posts, I have come to surmise that I am in love with him. Is it possible to fall in love with someone just by the words he writes? Yes, in fact it is, and he proved it today with his hysterical post that has me laughing and swooning all at the same time.
PLEASE do doll makeovers!
OMG, the girls look so great in that shot. They’re more lifelike than usual…and so much more interesting. But why is Tyra holding them in her giant, oddly white hands?
This post was effin hilarious, but I’m not sure I understand the point of the dolls…
Now all you need to do is turn this into a weekly series, a la “Plastic!Winchester Theater” (the characters of “Supernatural,” acted out with Ken dolls): http://anteka.livejournal.com/tag/plastic%21winchesters
fracking hilarious post. I deem it Post of the week!
Slezak, you are clearly having a good day. And now thanks to you, so am I thank. Hilarious!!
Slezak, if you didn’t already have a husband I would so ask you to marry me based on this post alone! Well done, you’ve made my week!!
hey morgan426 hands off those pasty white hands belong to ME!!! LOL
have a grand day everyone!!!
Don’t you wish your fashion doll had a leopard skin purse like me, don’t you wish your doll had a gold dress like me? Dont’cha?
Wait, wrong show. Sle, I thought your send up was better than the real deal. If Denise Richards’ dumbazz can get a reality tv show, maybe Sle’s “America’s Next Top Doll” might be a winner. Or it would at least be worth a pilot episode.
that is the funniest thing i have read in ages. Reminds me of the stuff posted by Wil Wheaton when he does a recap of old ST-TNG episodes with a “twist” at TVSquad. I could hear the Tyra-esque tone when reading your AMTD dialogue. Holy crap – good stuff and so dead on.
Paisley was robbed!!!!111
Qel
Y a-t-il un détaillant “poupée Americas next top-model Troscha” en ville de Québec ou ai-je bien acheté toutes les 3 filles?
Amélie