Can't wait for the new 'Top Model' season? Act it out with dolls!

Antmdolls_lOh PopWatchers, dreams really do come true! Yesterday morning, I received in the mail a pair of MGA Entertainment’s America’s Next Top Model dolls! At long last, I, Michael Slezak, boys and girls of all ages can act out their megalomaniacal Tyra Banks fantasies on a series of four fierce plastic figures named Paisley, Sidney, Sienna, and Tascha. (I’m guessing that, true to Top Model form, MGA toyed with a fifth, plus-sized model, but cut her at the last possible moment.) After completing this week’s challenge — wrestling Paisley and Sidney from their boxes — I skipped the photo shoot and went directly to the elimination ceremony. Here’s how it all went down (yeah, those are my hands in the photo… and I am not hearing your judgment):

I have two beautiful dolls standing before me, but I only have one photograph in my hand. That photo represents the doll who is still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Doll. The doll whose name I do not call must immediately go back to the Top Doll house, pack up her belongings, and go… back to the manufacturer.

Paisley, the judges look at you and think, "Pretty girl." Well,except for the blue leopard-print bag you’ve so carefully attempted tomatch with your tragic gauzy minidress. You’ve overcome so much in thiscompetition, including getting some of your hair cut off when we triedto remove you from your packaging. When we reduced you to a sobbingmess tonight during your evaluation, those tears spoke to me, and theytold me you are a girl who has grown as a human being in the sunlightof Tyra’s wisdom.

Sidney, you came to panel dressed like an Aztec cocktailwaitress, but when the judges look at you and the way you hold yourlimbs in an uncomfortable, contorted position, they see a girl withedgy, high-fashion potential. Or maybe a high-class call girl. But thejudges question your drive and desire. Mr. Jay said that on set today,you did not show the required enthusiasm for Cover Girl Wet N JuicyTripleberry Lip Slicks. And it takes more than fierce photos to be aTop Model. It takes product placement and an emotionally compellingstory arc.

So who goes home? The girl who wants this title so badly shepretended to laugh at Miss Jay’s nonsensical attempts at humor? Or thegirl who’s not afraid of metallic fabrics or suffering a herniated discin the name of a good photo?

Sidney, the judges really want a chance to make you cry. Congratulations, you’re still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Doll. Paisley, we’re through with you. You’ve been spent like pocket change at the vending machine. Goodbye.

Comments (34 total) Add your comment
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  • Elizabeth

    Its only good if you can jack up the hair and it grows back. Will there be Miss J dolls too?

  • Strepsi

    “did not show the required enthusiasm for Cover Girl Wet N Juicy Tripleberry Lip Slicks” – BWAHAHAHAHA!
    Gayest. Post. Ever.
    These stink, but I am so there for Tyra, Miss Jay, and Twiggy dolls. And don’t forget the Janice Dickinson doll with pump lip action!

  • Marc

    OMG… you are SO funny! I’ve always had a little crush on Slezak<s writing, but now I truly am in love! So funny!

  • TSD

    Slezak, your a genius! Best post in recent months. Thanks!

  • Anonymous

    One word.

  • Vanessa

    Blogs like this are why I have my Entertainment Weekly subscription. Can’t wait for the new ANTM show to start – enough of the clip shows, bring on the real stuff!

  • JillS

    One of the accessories included should be “a photo of mah baby back home.”

  • new yorker

    Hahahahahaha! Now this is the way to start a Tuesday Morning. Slezak, you hit the nail right on the head, or is is the shoot was perfect! Can’t wait to read your TV watches on ANTM starting next week. Although I have a quick question, are you going to be writing the recaps for both Top Model and A.I seeing how they are both on on Wednesdays? Oh well, no worries, a Top Model and a great singer, always give great results, NOT excuses!!

  • Anonymous

    Thank you, Slezak. Thank you.

    • Kartini

      Good – I should ctiaernly pronounce, impressed with your web site. I had no trouble navigating through all the tabs as well as related info ended up being truly easy to do to access. I recently found what I hoped for before you know it at all. Quite unusual. Is likely to appreciate it for those who add forums or anything, website theme . a tones way for your client to communicate. Nice task.

  • b

    I loved this!!!! You’ve got the TyraTone down pat. Can’t wait for ANTM next week..

  • Sarah C

    10 percent of net sales will go toward printing Tyra Mails on a 4-color laser printer. The rest will be used to fund the weave budget.

  • Nancy

    Slezak, I know we’ve never met, but I think I love you. Another hilarious post! Thank you!

  • Rachel K

    So wrong, yet so right. Plus, I love all the lines through the inappropriate comments and then you know, whatever else you felt like crossing off. Well played sir.

  • Matt

    Slezak, you kill me. Remember the HX days. Don’t forget where you came from. One of Tyra’s mantras.

  • vh

    just as compelling as the real thing.

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